paint it black.

i want paint.

red paint.

and i want to splatter it everwhere like blood.

and then sit in the middle of the room.

and eat a sandwich.

and just stare.

well that sucks.

I want to go to dairy queen.

it's cold. it's winter.
but I want to sit, stirring ice cream
prolly just moping over things I can't change.

-sigh-

that is my mood. :P

Townsperson.
that is my life.

maybe if I didn't fumble over my line at first.
maybe if I didn't stop for a minute when they asked me to dance.
maybe if I didn't run in late.
maybe if I just was better.
:P maybe I just sucked.
and I wasn't as good as everyone else.
I'm not really good at alot of things anyways.

whatever.

obviously i'm dissappointed.

I just want a burger.
and some ice cream.

There's so many things i should do.
I don't really know if I deserved anything better anyways.

I should try to sit down and practice my guitar today.
but I'll prolly clean again, and do laundry instead.

BE HAPPY >:[ ! BEHAPPY! please. be happy.

i'm a party pooper.

phrased pete ever so elegantly.
and i am.
"sometimes we all are"
"sometimes"
"sometimes alot of the time"

:P well.
apparantly that doesn't mean "alot of the time"
that woulda been my next guess in the pattern.

i think me being depressed.
interferes with alot more things than i thought.
and i'm starting to worry about the effect it has on my relationship.

so i've been sorta depressed very recently.
grey mattter says it's kinda weird when i get depressed.

"
Greykiller: It's kind of unexpected
Greykiller: And it's like
Greykiller: I can do things
Greykiller: It makes you feel better for a bit
Greykiller: But
Greykiller: There's always something else
"

:S

he makes me feel better than anyone else could.
but i think i look for reasons to be sad after that.
just because i'm not quite over the initial feeling.
i have a hard time letting things go alot of the time.
and it sucks.

i need to learn how to make myself just be happy.
i'm worried i'll just turn to alcohol.
it seems easy.
it's not that i'm UNhappy.
just that i get sad.
i just want to stop getting so sad.
it's always about dumb things too.
stuff that i know the logical answer to.
stuff that i know i shouldn't even worry about.

either that. or i'm afraid i might just close myself off again.
i started opening up.
and people started to see that i was sad.
but if i close myself off.
people might think i'm always happy.
which is also a bad thing.
that means i'd prolly have to lie to GM.
lie to myself.
and i just can't put up that smile on command anymore.
not to GM. or the people close to me.

i just wish it would magically go away.
and i'd just be cheery and energetic all the time.
i'd be perfect all the time.

i'm just selfish.

i want to know your plans.

i had this spell.
the seven days.
a whole week.i just. couldn't control myself.
my emotions.
it sucked.
i was so happy. when it didn't turn to eight.
it's over.
that's over.

but now, two days after.
i'm kinda scared and freaked.
i had such a good time with him.
and i've been so much happier.
but he was sorta spacey.
today and yesterday.
mainly yesterday.
he wasn't really paying attention.
and i'd say his name, and he'd jump and come back for a bit.
i dunno.

i'm kinda freaked out.
and getting scared again.

i don't want this to be April all over again.
i want him to talk to me and tell me how he's feeling.
cuz before.
i kinda knew something was up.
but. maybe for like a week or something.

not like. almost a month :S
it totally blindsided me.

..i don't want that to happen again.
i love him so much.
he's perfect. with all his flaws.
which aren't many. i couldn't name one.
i can't lose my best friend.

I'll fake it through the day, with some help from johnny walker red

I don't really remember what happened in the begining.
excpet how we just fell in love.
we were friends for a little while. not too long. but long enough.
and it was wonderful.

one day.

well. he and his best friend are a little different.
here we are richer.
money rich.

his best friend has very wealthy parents.
"sophisticated".

but the boys like to play in the dirt.

he. his family. is upper middle class.
but it seems like they are poor.

but we are all. more moneyrich than we are now.


his best friend had just gone away. far away.
it is my belief. that his parents forced him into some college.
or something of the sort.
far away.


he told me of how he first met his best friend.
how they wen't camping on the sandy beach in a tent.
think Miami or something.
and how they were so close.
and one day.  they saw this dog in the store window barking.
they went to a pet store, and saw some strays that were caught.
they were on pedestals. Trying to make the sad beasts look glamorous.  anyways. they saw this black cat that looked familiar.
and they looked at it, and asked where it came from. she said Ontario. so no. it couldn't be theirs. and they picked it up. and there was a different sorta white patch on it's chest.
ha. his best friend made a joke
of how "naw, it hasn't got it's pussy removed"

because. backwards, like another whole story, it was like a school.
and this girl. applied this cat. which was then a boy. to get neutered. and put his name down instead of hers.

back to story.

they also found a dog. which they took. it must have run away quite recently. they knew it. part of one of their families. part of their family.

i don't know where they put the dog.

but they are back at the tent.
and they are talking.
of how they could go around
just rescuing strays.
and they'd be like heroes.
they'd be heroes.

we are on steam. sort of like msn.

and he tells me of how him and his dad went on this camping trip.
the same like his best friend and him did.
same tent.
same spot.



he tells me..
"My ex came there while me and my dad were camping."

I respond, "oh yeah?"

and i think he talked. about how it was nice seeing her.
there's a flash to them talking. and then of them in their relationship
arguing and yelling.
but then calm.

he tells me.
"I think I want to marry her."

i'm sort of shocked.
but i take it well so far.

and he says sort of quickly
"This doesn't mean I never fell for you. And that I don't still care about you"   or something along that line.

and he says
"but I'm going to be away for awhile.. to think about this."

I think I start to get scared at this point.
it starts to hit me.

he continues
"don't save a message on the forums."

I tell him
"but then how will you know how I feel?"

"Greykiller is watching YouTube"



^Dream

everything looks perfect from far away

thriller

i went to the halloween concert tonight.
to support grey and pete ye kno.
XP but i got there late.
like. five minutes.
it was PACKED.
i see them right by the door :P
but they have to leave right away.

anyways, XP well..>> it was okay.
my feet were KILLING me.
i had to stand. the entire time.
but later, this chick was playing the piano.
i thought she was pretty good.
ahem. cept for one part.
but i saw grey and pete come in.
and i turned and smiled.
but i was gonna wait till after this one song
till i went and said hello and stood by them.
-COUGH-
the song ends. i turn,
and they start walking.
AHEM.
they walk right by me.
>:'
THANKs.
no tap to say hi.
BLEHHH
didn't even SEE me. i was RIGHT
beside them as they walked by XP
and i was about to say HELLO
but they KEPT WALKING.
to their seats.
THEIR SEATS.
so i sent grey a text.
says "pshh, you guys get seats XP"
i get no reply of course.
i think he didn't bring his cell.
or something.
i've sent him likek five texts.
anyways. i'm okay.
but my feet are really hurting.
i can't stand .. well. STANDING that long.
in just one spot.
so i go to sit outside.
:S there's annoying kids in the halls.
running around being loud.
and i find an empty bench by the band room.

it was kinda lonely.
surrounded by people,
but they can't even see you.

a couple people i knew didn't even see me XP

this chick from my socials did though :P
like, WHAT?? HER OF ALL PEOPLE??
:P it was funny... not really.
she commented on my hair.
--it was intermission when i got back :P
i was like WHAT'S GOING ON??--
her and her friend left really quick.
XP i think alot of people just left.
i think grey did.
i didn't even SEE HIM LEAVE :S
i was looking for him too.
his cousin came up to me
AND HE RECOGNIZED ME :P LOL
and grey's DAD came up XP
flashing the camera..>>
i kinda had a headache..

his mom even talked to me XP
she said, grey left with his cousin,
and her and his dad were leavin :P

XP i went back out.
kinda. sneakily checked the band room.
i saw pete.
and aMAN.
XP she was coming out the door.
:P why am i invisible? lol XD
everyones' busy.

it's their night.

i really wanted to see the jazz band.
but i was cold.
and alone.
everyone was leaving i think.
but there were no seats.
i could't STAND anymore :S




i think.
what if i stayed.


uhh. i just got a text from grey.
:S he says, ya see you here.
XP fuck my life.

Whatever.

"Whatever" stings like a rusty knife.

:S

i ate three burgers and a bagel when i came home from school today.

sometimes i think i have a problem.

you're the one for me, fatty. you're the one i really truly love.

i like when people pay attention when i'm trying to say something.
but sometimes i grab unwanted attention.
but maybe i'm trying to get that.

i dress with too much cleavage sometimes.

or i'm extra radical sometimes.

i think maybe it's to grab attention.
to grab his attention.
and like, snipe it from everyone else :P

maybe he'll get jealous when they pay attention to me.

maybe he'll stare, and know that that's his.
not that i think i'm great looking.
but..>> guys and boobs.
you know. LOL
and maybe when he knows that's his.
he'll stare. and maybe he'll stand next to me.
bein all possesive XD :P or something. maybe just standing even.


i try hard to impress people.
then i relax after a bit. if i think they like me.
then i say dumb stuff. and do dumb stuff
:P and then they think i'm a freak.

XP somebody giving you a slight smile
and like, nodding hello in the hall.
doesn't mean start waving your arms up and down
and cocking your head in weird directions
going "what? WHAT!?" because you think it's cool or funny >>
<<
apparantly.


of course it comes back to this but.
on saturday i went out.
with girls.
and like, ones brother and friend and ones friend.
they weren't expected though.

but anyways.
maybe he thought girls night.

grey COULD have come.
but i didn't ask.
because he always says.
how he doesn't want to hang with those people.

he's even said no before.

he'd rather not hang out with me.
than hang out with those people.
and that really sucks.
he'd rather not be around me.



lol :P i basically feel like i'm talking to you.
XD nobody else really reads my blog anyways
:P so i thought i'd say
I love you katt :)

jungle love, it's drivin me mad, your drivin me crazy

i got all dressed up to go out.
and i did.
i even got dressed up for you. and i went out.
but you didn't want to go out with me.

but i pretended i was waiting for someone.
by the way i was waiting for someone.
. i was waiting for something.




sometimes i think you don't want to go out with me.
sometimes you don't.

... you could still play video games.
i don't mind watching.
i don't mind waiting.

as long as you come.
as long as i know you'll be there.

another has been found, another ocean on the planet, given that our blood is just like the atlantic

there is a mouse. and this was yesterday.

well. lately. i have been getting a little down again.
i went a wholeeee week. :P
but i haven't really gone off the handle yet.
i'm trying this time.
i'm too busy to be doing things like that.
i looked up stuff.

positive thinking/telling myself positive things.
that didn't really work.
:S
XP

exercise.
-cough- well. if i'm really cold and can't move.
and my legs are killing me.
>> that's not always gonna work.
plus i'm lazy.
FAIL.

spending time with people.
well.
everyone seems busy.
maybe i need to try harder. :P


on this day. i woke up and watched two episodes of south park.
Berdie texted. :) he doesn't not like me. that's nice. :)

school kinda sucked. XP it was cold.
but all we had to do in ICT was play video games.
cuz we were done the stupid gif animations XP
I thought this was a grade eleven course??

at lunch i watched I.W. (band grey, pete, and _____ are in)
grey got his pedal the other day :)
he was so excited and happy :)
it was lovely. :) i love seeing him so happy.
XD it was like Christmas for him.
they were good. they've decided not to keep looking for singers.
because no matter what.
the singer won't feel part of the band.
or share the same ideas.
and also XP they can't find someone
that can actually sing.
at least not with their style.
so they are singing.
together.
and they learned the blitzkreg bop :P
I love that song XD
and their learning breed(nirvana)
and i think i few others.
:P i like their songs they've made.
they don't have lyrics.
but i think they sound awesome.

mr.B. apple's bf.(for now.. :S it's complicated XD)
XP he always rags on everyone. like.
he sounds serious but he's kidding usually.
but when he is serious even. it's kinda rude.
i unno.
he kept saying to turn down the bass.
i thought it sounded worse with the bass turned down XP
everything drowned it out.
>> I like the bass high.
cuz in the songs they play.
the bass is more dynamic usually.
so i like to hear the difference.
and how it comes together.
also his new pedal sounds sweet :P

apple is havin problems. XP it's effed.like. weird.

after school grey asked if i wanted to go to a movie.
the nick and norah's infinite playlist.
then he got told it was more of a chick flick.
so he was like
uhhhh. nevermind.
we'll see.
i unno.
ya i was kinda disappointed when said he didn't want to.
i mean. that movie wasn't playing. but two other sucky ones were.
and i just don't like going home.
but i also just like spending time with him.
so my plan was to freeze my ass off for two hours.
then maybe go see a movie anyways.
or go eat.
and get a taxi home.>>

i unno. he just didn't feel like going downtown.
:S but i didn't care where.
i just wanted to spend time with him.
even if it was at a crappy movie.
we could talk all through it?
i don't care. oro get something to eat.
but he likes his home more than i do..>>

i was all weird. and sitting on a bench across the street from Dairy Queen.
people stare at the yellow pants.
XP native guy said some comment.
that's why i chose that bench.
away from everyone.

i was just about to text grey.
and tell him that i kinda wanted him to come.
because it's not about what we do.
i just want to spend time with him.
and that, it sucks that he's not gonna spend time with me
or hang out. just because the movie isn't that great.
it's about being together. and it kinda made me feel
like he just didn't want to hang out.

XP but THEN before i even got past the first sentence.
he texted ME.
and asked if i wanted to come over. and bring a movie or something.

XP it made me happy to hear.
but i feel bad. because it's like
i guilted him into hangin out with me.
just cuz i'm all sad.
and he knows it.

XP so i didn't show alot of excitement.
cuz. i was too busy being guilty.

anyways. we went to movie gallery.
and we had a tough time choosing movies.
cuz.
i unno.
XP he doesn't wanna see a chick flick obv.
cuz he didn't wanna go to that other movie.
and he doesn't want a horror. cuz we looked at one
and he was like.
"no, i'm gonna save the horrors for halloween"
and i'm like "well how many movies do you think we'll watch?"
and he's like "probably like, one."
-cough-
well..>> this blog isn't about halloween. so i won't go on about that.

so i unno. i didn't really wanna choose something.
and now that i think of it XP
eternal sunshine of the spotless mind is kinda a chick flik XP
so. >> he asked me if I wanted to watch that.
and i felt dumb. and i said (which i honestly felt)
that it's kinda pointless to rent it.
when i have it downloaded and on a memory stick
at home XP
why waste the money?
i did see a couple movies that looked interesting.
but.>>
he's not as much of a beetles fan.
and i'm a chick.
like.
i saw something called
the assasination of john lennon.
i think it was called that.
and under it said
"i was a nobody, until i killed the biggest somebody in the world"
or something..>> XD
and thsi one called "2:47" i think.
and i think a coupl eothers looked good.
but i'm me.
and i just want him to be happy and enjoy the movie.

we got superbad.
and Big Fish.

we went to pick his sister up from the college.
cuz it's late enough.
and grey commented on how i was sad.
and he asked if it was because he didn't want to go downtown
and at that time not really.
but i contemplated telling him how i felt about it.
i can't remember if i did at one point.

after the college.
i got happier. i unno why.
:P i'm just like that.
XD he drove the jeep to the entrance :P
even though he wasn't supposed to.
and he phoned his mom to see what was taking so long
and she was like "i'm just STANDING here"
and there was laughter in the background. :P
and he wanted to ditch and drive up to mcDonalds.
and when she called. he'd be like "i'm just DRIVING"
and hang up. :P
anyways. they came up.
and he was gonna drive up a bit.,
but then there was this other car.
so he thought he might hit it XP
and was like ""SHIT"
and then it turned.
and he did it.
and then we all went to our seats.
his mother driving.

we went to mcDonalds after.
XD :P i used 12 of my dollar cupons.
-cough-... i coulda done a better job..>>
they bagged my food weird.
and my cinnamon melt had icing everywhere :'

>> the food was kinda gross.
i usually like it.
but.
it got cold.
and then you notice how bad it is XP
wel..>> it was kinda warm.
and i did like my snack wrap.
and i kinda liked my cinnamon melt.
XP but the burrito's and fries were sick XP

i threw most of it out.>>
and GM threw like, half of his out too surprisingly.
even he thought it was bad :P


we weren't able to finish either movie XP
the bass on his subwoofer. or whatever. :P
it was like. XP traveling through the house.
and we couldn't turn it off.
he was like "i'm gonna get bitched at"
and his mom came in once.
and we tried a couple things.
so we switched superbad with big fish.
that was pretty good as far as i saw it.
still bassey XP
and his mom waslike
"the taxi's leaving!!"
like..>> she is.
and i had to gooo.
i hate leaving.
if only i could stay foreverzz. :P
overall.
the night ended well.
i really wanted to go out that night.
and i had a great time.


reminding you we used to be three and not two,
and that's how the world began.
and that's how, the world will end.

and the flower would give it's offering of love to the dessert.

I take things too seriously sometimes. XP obv.
 :P repeating myself. like always.

found something.

Cognitive behavioral therapy, which teaches depressed people ways of
fighting negative thoughts and recognizing them as symptoms, not the
truth about their world


ha.

:P i found it kinda funny.

kinda sad.

mother mouse said how I get manic and depressed when I don't take my vitamins. I always thought i might have manic depression. But because I didn't take my vitamins. :P sounds silly.
also. I'm stubborn. so. XP I don't really buy it.


and the rattlesnake said,"I wish i had hands, so I could hug you like a man."
and then the cactus said,"but don't you understand? My skin is covered in sharp spikes, that will stab you like a thousand knives. a hug would be nice but hug my flower with your eyes."

i will be your ferdinand and you my wayward girl.

this weekend. was a 4 day weekend for me.
i was gonna go to over the hill and haf fun.
XP but now. i only get one day.
:S the worst day too.
it like. broke my heart.
cuz i've been waiting so long.
i've planned this forever.
i saved JUST enough money.

made me really sad.
just.
like my world shattered XP

me and my mom had a talk.
and she didn't take it well.
when i said iw atned to leave friday morning.
instead of thursday night.
cuz she wants me to spend more time with my dad.
but there's nothing to do.
and.
i don't like him particularly.
and.
she was smug and bitchy about it.
said crap.
but now. i can go friday morning.
and.
grey is comming too.
kinda makes me happy.
makes it not so horrible.
but my week is still beeped up.
XP
i just.
i was just so excited. and happy.
i was looking forward to it so much.
:(

but grey matter will come keep me company.
it'll be okay.


it'll all be okay.



oh elope with me in private, and we'll set something ablaze
 a trail for the devil to erase.

i eat MY candy with pork and beans.

i want my computer to die.
the only thing i like.
is my blogger.
and talking to a couple people.
even if it's not all the time.
other than that.
i wish it would break.
i have like, this need for it.
and i hate it.
i just. need a life.


i almost started bawling my eyes out the other day.
like. not like normal crying. i was in a normal situation too.
i was sitting on the couch and i was watching "extreme makeover:home edition"
with all the fam.
and like.
you know those pre-cry breaths.
just randomly XP
i did that.
and i thought i was gonna burst into tears.
:S it wasn't even that sappy.
and like. usually the show jus annoys me.
XP
strange.
i'm fragile and weird :S
XP sucks.

:P lol

and i AM borring.
otherwise.
we wouldn't need money or anything to have a good time.
really. with anyone.
you can't jus hang anymore.
or jus sit and talk.
it's dumb.


can i go back to being invisible?


everyone likes to dance to a happy song.
with a catchy chorus and beat, so they can sing along.

He says "unlikely"

i'm horrible at positive thoughts sometimes :P

maybe i am too attached... but i still think it's worth it.

my mom only pays attention when something bad happens.
at least that's what i think.
or when i have to ask for something.
which usually results in something bad happening XP
somehow.>>

i'm not doing so well in my classes. i've got below seventy in almost everything.
that's failing in this family. :S

i hear alot of chat.

apple is always sad or angry beneath the surface.
and talks about troubles in her relationship.
and of other men sometimes.
which i find kinda sad. well.. disheartening.

pony. her troubles with indecision.
and now it's too late to get out.
the hole is too deep.
she's got to stop worrying about other people.
about her decision.
if she picks what she thinks is best.
everything will work out how it's supposed to.

i always hear chats. about.
how this and this are going to happen.
they're gonna go to these places these times.
they  are going to do this.
see this band.
do this thing.
leave.

i just feel left out.
leaving me behind.
it's all about them.
and it is.
in reality it really is.
i don't know why i should be included.
but.
it's like, i'm not considered.
am i not expected to be around that long?
i guess. people make plans they don't complete.
but they're driven and determined people.
so maybe i'm just not going to be there.
cuz. i'm not supposed to apparantly.

two months.
a part of me doesn't want it to happen.
a part of me wishes i didn't support you.
but i have to. because i know it makes you happy.
i just want you to be happy.
but it's gonna be hard.
really hard.
it was tough.
with just two weeks.
even though.
afterwards.
you looked at me like i was a freak cuz i missed you so much XP
but i'm going to.
cuz you're like my world.
and i'm kinda scared.
because i know that there's a couple of girls.
who want you.
and i don't know what they'd do.
but i think.
two months.
maybe it would be good.
because. even though i'd be worried sick and miss you so much.
i'd know. that we could do it.
that we could get through that.
that you'd come back.
and you'd still be you.
lol funny.
how this is supposed to be in the summer.
but as soon as i heard.
just. :P i'm afraid.
:S i've never been two whole months without you.
longest was two and a half weeks.
and that was hard.
to you only cuz you didn't have video games XPP
but i just. i couldn't stand not seeing you for so long.
i just really missed you :P
caz i'm dumb like that XP


I love you.
always will.
never forget.

rest your bones. i am feeling weak again so please rest with me.

first.

nobody was gonna know. it was a secret. for a year even you said. and it felt kinda cool. our own little secret.

then.
you told someone. and okay. she lives in vacouver.
and someone else found out. and she lives in vancouver too.

and then you told some friends.
and ironically i found out the morning after i struggled with a lie.

and then it was okay if your friends knew.

and i knew.
that it would change too.

and like. other people would find out and it would spread.
caz you gots alotta friends.
it did.

and. i knew.

you changed your mind again.
because you realized that people laughed. and said things. and wanted too much.
and it's okay if your friends know, but no one else? XP that doesn't work.

everyone.
or no one.

like i said.
i don't even know the rules anymore.
they keep changing.
it stresses me out.
i don't think i like that people found out in the first place.

and i hate.
how you said.
you wouldn't do what he did.
you wouldn't.
and that it'd be different. you didn't want it to be like that.
but it did happen.

i wish you'd tell me more sometimes.
i hate being the last to know things.
especially when you're my best friend.
and i know i'm second best.



i did not ask, who's been helping you fall asleep. 

Derby. Daphne loves you.

this band. called the matinees. they came to our school (cool indie band.) and this slam poet. ( badler.ca) and they came with reach out or something. "psychosis sucks" :P they talked about it. it was cool.

this morning.
like every once in awhile.
things start to go really fast.
and get like. loud. ish.
but i know that everything is the same.
but it doesn't feel like it.
like everythings speeding up.
and i used to.
hear like.
this woman screaming.
and you know taz's voice/growl??
well. something like that too.
and it would grow louder as things went faster.
and i used to look for ways to make it stop.
and sometimes it worked.
sometimes it lasted awhile.
after it almost climaxed it would die down or something.
like. i'd forget about it all of a sudden.
i don't really hear the screams.
but it still happens sometimes.
and it bugs me.
even when listening to music. like.
the music wouldn't go faster.
but i it felt like it. and even listening to it.
the music felt faster too.
i always thought i might be bipolar.
with how i'm happy and sad in seconds.
and like. i unno.
:P
or like. maybe i have depression issues?

but.
i don't take it seriously.

i don't think i have psychosis.

but it's funny.

that it happened today.

i can't beleive that you would send your love to me now
even though i don't deserve it.

i'll sing the last song for you

morning. i wake up. i'm so stiff i can hardly move.
when i do at almost seven.
my knees shake.
and my arms are weak.
i'm weak.
and getting to the laundry room was a chore.
let alone turning on the dryer.
and it was so loud.
i then realized i might end up with a timeline to do my LAUNDRY.
i already had one for my showers :S
it took forever. and all today. i just.
pain? XP kinda.
i sat down alot.
tried not to move.
i was a b****.
maybe i am in a mood. i hope it's not permanent.
caz. i'm always in a mood then it seems :S
and when i hear that.
my mood gets sad. and i feel horrible.
anyways.
my knuckles are bruised.
i couldn't punch things today.
but i did.. a lil.
i have a new problem.
i punch things.
it's not good.
it's just.
hurting myself. without much damage.



today i had a detention.
today i skipped the first block.
first time. EVER.
i sat on the sidewalk. on a corner. and i just sat there.
waiting for it to be over.
and i was happy.ER.
than i would have been if i went to class.
god i hate that class.
i speak English. not french.

people ask me if i'm okay.
people ask me if i'm depressed.
people say that i look sad.
but i'm happier than i've ever been.
with some things.
just.
not my mother.
and not that class.

some people. can just bring you down with a word.
and some people. make it their job to tear you down.
just cause they can.
(the latter. is the worse i've come to find)

i don't have time for anything. yet i have too much alone. and like. i need to do more.
i need to fill up the space where i can sit and think.
i can't think. it's not good.

i need a trip to over the hill.
i wanted to go up with Grey.but.. XP i don't even know if he's interested.
and we both don't have money :S
maybe we'd hang wif berdie.
i hope he'd like hangin wif katt too.
pete would come. caz he's been talking forever about goin to pg with him.
but.
:S
i think i'm jealous.
i think i'm jealous of pete.
sometimes i feel he gets all the spotlight.
i get the kiss.
but he gets everything else sometimes XP

but mice are dumb.
you ignore those rodents.

kay?

mom freaked at me.
not cuz i missed class. (told her i was jus late though)
caz i wanted to drop french.
even though i'd take it up in grade 12.
and randomly she brought up piercings and tatoo's.
ahem. i want some. of both.
like. nothing major.
cept like. a lip ring i guess is kinda major. XP
everything else would be acceptable and small.
but she says.
she sez.
"you want it for the attention? you think it'd be cool?"
and i thought about it.
and maybe i do.
maybe that's why i color my hair and stuff.
i always tell myself that's not it.
that it's because I wanted to do it because I liked it.
but maybe it's deeper in my head. and like.
subconciously. maybe down there.
i want to be noticed.
i want to be liked.
i want to be loved.
even though. :S i get all weird when people compliment me.
and gifts too XPP.

nobody can do anything for me.
i must be aiming for self-misery.
because i can't do it alone.
but i don't think i deserve more.

am i as good at pretending as i seem?
or am i believing my own horrible lie?

when i smile. it's usually honest.
but sometimes. it's to make everyone else happy.
but it seems that i'm not as good at it anymore XP
or maybe i want people to worry.
maybe i want them to know.
maybe i'm one of those people. who cry out. and then start to cry out so much. everyone just hates them. caz they so whiney. i'm whiney. hate me?


i'm not ready for my guitar lesson tomorrow.
i'm not ready. i need to practice more. i'm not perfect.
i'm never perfect.
i need to be perfect.

i have to grin and bear it.
i hate it.

i hope i cut myself shaving tomorrow.
i hope it bleeds all day long.
our friends say it's darkest
before the sun rises.
we're pretty sure they're all wrong.
i hope it stays dark forever.

if you don't like the movie then quit acting

only you have the recipe for your own happiness.

a famous quote.
cuz i say it's famous.
a good friend told me this.

it made me happy.
it made me feel confident and proud.
it made me feel like everything would be okay.

but then.
what if you don't have the ingredients?
what if someone forgot to pick up the eggs?
(to this bacon)

i was happy and proud.
that day was supposed to be "a perfect day" :)
:S then i got detentions. TWO. because of a misconception and rediculusness.
and probably some other things.
but that was most prominent.
just. that smile faded away.
and this new ugly face took it's place.
just. that was supposed to be a good day.
and how, he has the AUTHORITY to do that.
to just take it all away.
anything he wants.
just.
makes you feel helpless.

hanging on for hope?
when it's just to hard to cope the road out?

i have hope.
i hope i have hope.
sometimes i feel like there's none.
but then i find it.
a flake.
that's slowly melting.
even though the ground grows colder.

i just want to be happy.
like. not for just a few hours.
or minutes.
but days?
please?
it's not even big problems.
it's just too many little things to cope with.
i'm so stressed out.
and scared.
i'm scared...


the perfect day.
being taken from me.
maybe by myself in reality.
but still, being taken from me.
hasn't just happened once.
i think three or so times.
i told myself.
how i was going to be better.
how i was going to try harder.
how i was going to be happy.
because i would start making the things i wanted happen.

but then something happened. or i heard some comment.
and so.. XP it's a work in progress.

by the time i'm old enough for family and teachers to stop telling me
 how to live
how to breath,
it'll be a new game.
and that dye i wanted?
that external harddrive?
that xbox?
that trip?
that will now be controlled by bills. and debt.
and work.
and things will get pushed aside.

i've been thinking about the future alot lately.
but not at all at the same time.
i just feel helpless.
and like my life is over after it's hardly begun.
i feel like i'm in my dying days.
but i can't just be happy.
and smile and make it the best.
and i want to.
and i'll keep trying.

people like it when you smile.
in general. people like when people smile.
people like when people are happy.
people like when they don't have to deal with you.
but i understand.
it gets repetitive.
and annoying.
i suppose.

i miss just lying in the grass.
just staring.
and just it feeling like home.
but i moved away from that home too.
this year. i can't lie in that spot. and feel the same peace,
the same welcoming as i did the summer before.

some days i want to chuck my computer out my window.
then i won't feel disappointed when i sit here for hours.
not doing a thing.
and making myself invisible.
but still expecting someone to just say to me
"hey?" and for them to tell me all their problems.
to tell me all their secrets.
not just trivial stuff to make small talk.
and i could help them.
and i could listen to them.
i was really good at that.
i might still be.
and i'd feel accomplished knowing that,
i helped.
i made a difference.

maybe i'd forget about myself again?
i'd be more self-sacrificing.
with all my complaining.
and all my whining.
and all my crying.
i feel just. pitiful.
it's sad :S
and it's selfish.
i feel very selfish.
it's dumb.
and i used to be more quiet.
but now that i voice my opinions.
i also complain alot more.
:S
ALOT.

i hate being pissed off. it's not like me at all.
I hate it.


selfish.




oh mr. pitiful, who let you down. who let you down?
you still don't believe, and you're grievances show.
...
please come down from that cloud you're sitting on.

i look at pictures of myself as a small child

this morning i woke up.
and i felt really guilty.
because i said some things the night before
that would probably be better left alone.

and i woke up. and i was sick for one.. minus one point.

and after i felt guilty.
i came to a disappointing realization.

i think i only have two years to live.
three years tops.

i don't really mean ilterally. though maybe.
but also figuratively.

i don't have a dream.
i don't have direction.
and i started too late on so many things.
why couldn't i have gotten a guitar when i asked through now to 10 YEARS ago?
why did i decide to go into certain classes NOW.
i'm a senior.
and after highschool.
i don't know if i'll have anything left.

i used to want to be a graphic designer.
or a struggling artist down in a big city.
working as a waitress to pay rent,
and buy food.

but i don't draw as much as i used to.
and i hardly know the basics of design.
except a bit of flash.

i get frustrated or uninterested in things after awhile.
and what used to be my passion.
or my direction is more like it.
is now something i hardly touch base with.
kinda like people in my life.

i don't want to be struggling all my life.
i don't want to work hard at something i hate
and have no time for things that i love.
for people i love.

i've been pissing around with a guitar for about ten months.
and i'm nowhere.
something i could have done in two or three.
i need lessons.
and i tried.
but it just failed.
and i started thinking.
after highschool.
what if i want to be in a band?
work on projects?
and just.
everything would be so much harder.
this is the time that people start those sorts of things.

this is what i think will happen after graduation.
it might start slow.
but.
everyone will get full time jobs.
people will move away.
people will lose touch.

i think i'm afraid of being alone.
of having nobody.
not like in the sort of community that surrounds a school.

i'll probably try and have a buch of fun.
with the people that choose to waste their life away
or the people that stay for the summer.
i'll probably drink and party.
maybe become an alchaholic.
pretend that everything will last forever.
enjoy the life of living at home.
and not going to school.
until september.
and then.
everyone will start their life.
and i won't know what to do.
and i'll be too lazy, and unmotivated to
WANT to do anything.

i'll end up working at a dead end job for years.
and then realize.
i wasted too much time.



maybe i'll pull an Elliott Smith??
maybe i'm wrong and everything will be okay?




after i thought about all this.
i decided.
if i only have three years.
i may as well make them damn good ones.

i put on my smile for the day.
and i already felt a bit better. :)


ahem... then i realized i had french first.
and that i had a detention.
and laundry.
and that i'm sick.
and that i have no plans or money.
so i'm stuck at home.
with family.
and a sleeping mother all weekend.
oh. and that womanly thing.
you know.

..i hate women. they suck.
acidddddd XPP yuckk


kill me now. -rolls eyes-

all control is now spiraling

you don't like to touch me in 'public'. so i'm trying to learn how to hold myself.

i ammmm a lizard.
in the sun sweating,
and shivering in the shade.

i like to walk in the night.
but rarely do i have the opportunity.
and now it's getting colder.
and that tiny window gets smaller.

and i say stupid things lots.
so don't mind me.
and i cry for no reason at all.
so don't mind me.
when i tell you i love you. (and only you).
well. :P you can listen then, okay?

everything i complain about.
and everything i get down about.
i wish i didn't say.
because.
after awhile
i realize.
that it's my fault to begin with.
XP
caz i'm jus dumb.
and now.
i just suck at being amazing.

So if i seem a little out of it, sorry. But why should i lie?

i always have less to say when things are going right.
:)

well.
today.
it was photo day. and i had fun in socials. attempting to get a fudgcicle. :P and joking around with Mr PM cuz G-lolz stuck hand cream up his nose XD :P i was nice to himmm.. when this girl called him a loser. and he was mean :' he's like "OH, so you were sticking UP for me" and i said, "i can be nice!!" and he's like, "sometimes" XP
freeking stephen harper (prime minister). cuz he's the leader. in socials. and we're the conservatives. we're gonna have to do a debate XPP that sucks.
when pictures were supposed to be taken. i was done early. and sat in line for forever trying to get a fudgcicle with AppleChimp. after awhile. we agreed at the end of ten minute break. we'll FINALLY get ours.



anyways. so when we're standing infront of class waiting for the break to be over.
mr. Grey stood up fer me. which is nice. and MANLY. LOL :Panyways. this kid Earnest, who's in mine and GM's ICT class, walked by me and SMELLED ME :Swhich is weird. REALLY weird... :' i don't smell badd...and so. G. Matter got him in his placeand then Peter(z-kcus) cracks a joke and kills the atmosphere. :P




after that. Grey was all p-o'ed :P and all, in the corner, by Pete, so. like. i was standing by that kid. that sniffs people LOL.
and i see Apple walkin down the hall wif RumpleStiltzkin, her bf, and i rememberz that we have a fudge date :P and like, GM's doin his thing, and the situation seemed to calm, no one'll miss me :P it'll be like 3 minutes, lol :P i leave with them quickly, and yell over my shoulder
so we get there, and Meowboy is workin consession :P and he asks me what i'm want. and ahem.. apple already payed. umm. ya.. nothing >> .....
XP but NO FUDGCICLES, so we got frozen yogurt.



i go back to class.
and i can't quite remember the mood GM was in.
if he was back to joking.
or still pissed :P



at lunch. i went home for once, and AC came with me,
and we had food.
and she's like the second one of ANY of my friends to set FOOT in my house XPP
it was weird.
and the dog didn't bite her. or bark much.
which is good.
that dog i think, jus hates men :PP lol.
anyways. we had food.
and we went back to the school.
:S there was almost a fight.
i had fun.
it was kinda nice.


my most remembered thing of the last couple days though.
was how he kissed me on the cheek.
just the cheek.
inbetween last two classes.
when i was at my locker.
i hardly had a chance to see him fly by.
and it seemed out of his way. a little. not much. but still.
and it was nice.
just.
nice.




But why should i lie?
Everything reminds me of him.
everything reminds me of him.

you put the sun to shame.

someone today.
someone special told me.

"I think you should make the most of it.
Something nice will happen to you,
and you have to treat every day like that."

and i think something nice happened to me today.
:)

and i think i'll try my best.

i think i'm gonna be okay.

i'm okay. :)


i think the funk is over.
i hope so :P
it was dumb.

i'm eating rat poison for dinner.

you ever just feel relatable to older times?
i was staring around the classroom and
i noticed a poster of the Hitler-Nazi
regime. and i thought.
if i was living in that area
in that era
i would definitely be part of the
Hitler youth.
or try to serve Hitler in some way.
though i don't have natural blond hair,
or the right color of blue in my eyes.

but i bet.
that, that sense of purpose,
of fulfillment,
and the feeling
that i did something 'right',
worth of praise
or gratitude.
those boys must have been
at least happy.
satisfied.
or accomplished,
with being part of that.
something bigger.

it's like. why people join teams.
or why they join the army.
or become part of a stereotype or group.
religion.
so many things.

I'm not saying that i support
the persecution of the Jew's.

just that.
those people.
forced into the Hitler youth.
even though they were forced.
they probably were happy to be part of it.
even though they were basically brainwashed.
i think anyone is happy. when they're
part of something bigger.


I Heart Hitler

ya..
i know i keep linking to ian(chicago)
XP but
they are REALLY GOOD.
his writing could make a book.
and he might be a millionaire one day.
because i helped link to his brain :P

and hey.
XP it just reminded me of this. OKAY.

chocolate cow alive??? what???

man. i've been thinking about all the BEEP i eat.
and put into my body. like XP those
"chocolate covered coffee beans"
nudge nudge everyone :D :P even if you don't remember
and like. how i've been stuffing myself lately.
and with what.
and i'm really unhappy with my new habits.
i should have been named claire.
:P
"CLAIRE?!?!. that's a FAT girls' name."
" >:[ i'm NOT fat."
"well.. not yet. but you'll squeeze out a few puppys then
-makes bloating noises-
you see. there are two types of fat people in this world.
people who are fat their whole lives...
and then there are the people who were once skinny.
so when you look at them. you can still see the small
person inside of them..."
(BRKFST CLB)

:P

i need to stop procrastinating.
and stop complaining after i procrastinate.
and stop complaining that i'm a procrastinator XD

i don't have the discipline or anyone to support me
if i started to go to the gym.

options i thought up:
belly dancing
yoga
swimming
jogging
biking
ashamed to say that i SLIGHTLY .. possibly JOKINGLY
thought up getting an eating disorder. XP but the side effects
and unpleasantness... and lack of food. and discipline. XP
was just too much. i like food. :P
doing nothing and wishing it away.



well. XP there are downsides and unlikelyness to all of these options.
belly dancing - nobody would support it, i'd be alone, "people in it are retards", XP well.. i probably wouldn't relate to them and have annoying aquaintances :S, money :( (i hope that can be fixed soon) XP

yoga - people from different generations would be in the class, i'd feel dumb and alone, i'd feel like a condescending beephole for saying i go to "yoga". even though it seems kinda cool, money.

swimming - i'd get bored, i'd be alone, i'd smell like chlorine all the time, i'd slack off and probably not do what i set out to, moneyyy >:[

jogging - need good shoes, likely to ruin my joints/foot, XP i'd slack off easily, oh, and winter is comming soon :S

biking - winter is coming soon, i'd slack (like i have all summer)
doing nothing and wishing it away. - get lazier, might not work :P, costs money actually XD

any ideas?? choices??





groups of people intimidate mice. :S

i wrote this the other day.
"i felt like an obligation. or an afterthought. more than i did a priority.
and at parties. i felt like i'm being babysat. especially because.
i'm not good at interacting with people really. i've always been a loner.
i want to talk to people. i want to be ABLE to talk to people.
and i want to WANT to talk to people in a way too.
when i open up to anyone. i just. feel like they don't wanna hear it.
because nobody really does. nobody wants to listen to someone so pitiful.
nobody want to feel obligated to help. or get drawn too far into it.
and nobody wants to see that you're sad. nobody wants to realize there
isn't a sun.
mann i'm an oversensitive little ****."




ever notice when someone is politely asking you to leave?
or you think they are?
:S it's weird.
especially if you don't know.
and it probably would hurt if they just plain asked you to leave.
like being thrown away.
but when they're polite. XP then it's awkward. because you're not sure.
is there a way to tell someone that they should leave nicely?
:P i don't really think so.
and i suck with hints XPP



forever competing for that moment of self-grandizing glory.

wait to grow old, like we've been told, go bald go west and crazy

it gets better.
you know.
as time goes on.
she was right :P and i believed.
and i smiled. and i think it will
come true
you'll notice it.
if you look back.
usually
and you learn from your mistakes.
and i have no regrets.
none at all.
everything is worth it.

i thought for a bit. that life was at it's greatest.
in the sandbox.
with my two best friends in the world.
XPP basically my only ones.
but still.
and almost every day.
we'd hang. and play.

and i realized.
i wouldn't trade the heartache
for anything.
(:P the boys didn't really break my heart.
it was the girls.
the big people.
and the "lovely's".
ahem.. before i called them lovely's.
like i now do.)

and the older i got.
the more intelligent.
the more cultured.
and the more opinionated i got.
and the more knowledge i gained
the better i understood people.
and i'm still learning.

and i learned of love.
and i love, love.

i wonder sometimes.
when i'll learn to be the initiator
if i will.
if i really want to.




and he told me, "if you want to live.
you've got to start breathing."
and i did.
and i was human.
and we walked together until the sun came up.

september 4th Social Studies 11

I love history. I find it fascinating. Today is my third day in this class. I can't stand it. Every other class is at least attempting to start the curriculum. I still don't have text books in both Biology 12 and this one. In Bio I at least got an excuse.there wasn't enough books for the kids. And she still found a way to start us on something.
If I just had the resources I would definitely have a better chance at learning. We have a provincial this year, and from what I've witnessed, I don't feel confident about teaching methods. I also don't feel like an equal...
and I know that in a classroom I will never gain full equality, especially because of the heirarchy, but I don't respect people who won't respect me. The different generations of upbringing is really noticeable. 9times out of 10, teachers who are younger (I find) are more easily relatable, and I respect them more. I usually get more out of the course too. I understand the position of authority, but I don't appreciate people (teachers or people of authority) who are arrogand or rude towards me, and I especially can't stand people who put up a transparent facade .



Express your opinions with confidence and truth.
if you want to be heard.

don't deconstruct and the fill me in.

this post.. here is by ian. ian is a cool guy. ian is a friend of a friend.
and this post is really.... relatable.
read it. because. it says things perfectly.
it's kinda cynical.
and i couldn't say it better.
but it better suits my mood for other days.
but i had to find it today o course :P


I can drive myself

i'm an emo kid non-conforming as can be :'

:'( i think i'm emoooooooo
i'm gonnna go BLAST MY DASHBOARD CONFESSIONAL IN MY ROOM AND CRY NOW
XD LOLOL
:P right now it's more like moneen and gob though.... :S
XPP
still love me? :'

well now the blow's been softened since we are our own damn coffins.

today is Self-Pity day however.
or maybe my calendar is wrong.
i will celebrate anyways.



i'm not sexy, i'm not that pretty, i don't think i'm that fun. i'm not perfect.

and whenever i try i just fuck it up.

maybe if i just sat there. and didn't do anything. there wouldn't be anything worth noting.
nothing good. but nothing bad.
in a conversation. i'd only listen.
durring a movie. i'd just watch.
in school. i'd do both.
in human interaction i'd just smile slightly.
when someone touched me. i'd be still. or like an action figure.

then. i wouldn't make a mistake.
then maybe, i wouldn't have to worry.
then maybe. the only thing i'd have to think about in these times.
is the things that I made myself feel. or think.
the things that I caused to bring me down.
then when blaming myself. it wouldn't involve other people.
it wouldn't be an incident.
it would be me.
my imagination.
my paranoia.
my lonliness.
but not anything tangible.

i put myself down enough without any outside help.





i beleive it was said something like this.
"why are you so worried about your esteem around me?"
and i didn't know then. not really. i didn't think much of it.
i thought maybe i shouldn't be.
but i care too much.
i care too much about what he thinks of me.
i could care less about most of the rest of the world.
he is probably one of the only people whose opinion i care most.
care absolutely.
and i probably shouldn't take things so seriously.
but when someone like that. says something.
i know they're kidding. but. i think.
maybe it's true. even if they don't know it really is.
and when i do something stupid.
it always comes back to bite me in the ass.
for months at a time.
and it never goes away.
and so i can't try anything.
new or different.
because i'm so afraid i'll be dumb.
and screw it up.
or get myself hurt.

:P physically or otherwise.

some phrases i live by.

it is always my fault.
I am always wrong.
and
"i'm just a sensitive girl"


today sucks.
i'm cold.
i was sick this morning.
pudding is a killer.
so i'm gonna blame it on that.


oh. and those shoes you showed me Blooze, :) kickass!!
i saw those, WORK OF ART.

look at the earth. it's just so green. perhapse it's envious of all the galaxies it's seen.

i was just thinking.
i expect so much out of things. and so i always get disappointed.
and so maybe if i started to expect to be disappointed more often.
i would have a better time.

point in case.

i hate birthdays.
i hate my birthdays.
and Christmas too i guess.
for one.
my birthdays always suck.
and i never had good parties.
and i never had alot of friends.

and nobody cares about birthdays.
so i learned not to care about birthdays.
i learned to try and not care about my birthday.
because i hate it.

i hate the holidays.

and i'm probably going to get really depressed around christmas time too.

and it's going to suck.

because it always does.

my family is annoying.

someone died today.

some kid didn't come home from his friends house till an hour late. and it was dark. and we live on the west side. FUN.

and i don't like gifts i prefer gestures .

gestures CAN be objects. but i just think they have more meaning.
sometimes not as much thought. but more meaning.
at least. what i consider a gesture.






gesture

Noun

1. a movement of the hands, head, or body to express or emphasize an idea or emotion

2. An act or a remark made as a formality or as a sign of intention or attitude: sent flowers as a gesture of sympathy.

or in what i'm thinking.
as an attitude of appreciation or generosity.




i think it's different.

and i should go to bed. i have to wake up early.

my mood.
UHG.

-mouse.

when you're living in a dreamworld.

we went to go get some food.
i assume this guy, that girl, him, and her were all there
but there was kaitlin :S
and then cashew and turtle shell.
(cashew is an old friend. whom i don't really talk to often anymore.
XP turtle shell. is a friend of hers. i don't know how close.
but i don't really like her particularly much.)
and of course Grey Matter.

so we wanted some food, so we went to dairy queen.
it was in a weird location though.
so we go to sit down. and the first set of people (whom i didn't ACTUALLY see)
go sit down. and kaitlin sits down at a table next to them. and GM
i think is across from her. or a table down and across. and then on the next
table. it's pretty long. could sit like 6 people
and cashew and turtle shell are relaxing with their feet on the seat.
for some reason i go to sit down at the very end. sorta near cashew against the wall.
and she moves her feet and i say "i can sit somewhere else if you want to put your
feet up?"and she smiles and puts her feet up on the other direction.

and we went to order (surprisingly small line though)
and kaitlyn was ahead of me. a dn she ordered some tariaki thing :P
without sauce with CINNAMON XP so i helped the guy look for cinnamon.
and there was a bit left. but we told her there was none. because he needed it.
and she pouted then turned to her cherry self and sat down.

(i was apparantly going to start work there, at the now "subway." the monitors
for ordering were exactly like mcDonalds except bigger. and kaitlyn ordered
from a kfc menu :S which magically appeared.)
i ordered a poutine and sat down.
(a DAIRY QUEEN item XP)
i was kind of sad. and felt left out.
well..
not even left out. more like.
i didn't belong.

i saw bberdie accross the highway (cuz in my dream it was by a highway)
(he looked exactly how i last saw him in the distance, because apparantly
i just got back like, the day before, and i only spent one day in "over the hill".)

so i was like "heyy! That's berdie!!" and i was happy. because i thought
maybe i would feel better after seeing him. because if i didn't
feel like i belonged there. then maybe i would feel more comfortable and like
i belong hanging with berd. even just for a few minutes. jsut to be reassured.

so i got up and said "hey, i'm gonna go out and say hi to berdie, :), i'll be
back in a few minutes" and grey was the only one that looked like he cared
and was like, "okay -insert nervous/concerned/perfect/iloveyou smile-"

so i ran out, because they were walking, and i had to run accross the highway.
and then XP they went up it. and then crossed at a different part...
i'll show you what it looked like.



^
^
| | |(towards the hill)|
| |
| | | (where i saw berd)
| \____.________
| | _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
| _____________
| | | | restaurant |
| | |_._________|






and so. i ran upwards. and i could hear danroth's voice. and Beaver was there :S
i saw him.
and i assumed then. that they could be high when i meet them.
but i kept running up the highway. and they were accross it in the trees.
but i could hear them.
and it got really steep.
and at the end. i couldnt reach the peak. like i JUST slid right before it.
but. so i sat down. right by there. and i didn't mean to. but i pivoted.
and XP i ended up sitting right on top of the peak.
and i had to get down now. they were heading back.
and as i got down. it was steep both ways behind me.
sorta like a corner of hill around me.
and i hung onto the grass to keep from falling.
:S and i see like. my desk. and my belongings from that square of my room. just sitting there. bye the highway.
at the base of the slope, right beside me.

anyways, i head back. and when we're almost into view of "dairy queen" there are some fences.
and they're back on my side of the road. and Berd's jumping fencess XP and getting over them... but well.
looking pretty dumb. and like he doesn't have alot of motor skills. but is trying to look cool..

so i whistle and call his name to get his attention.
(he's blonde now... XP and he's not wearing a hat. or a shirt :S
he's all sweaty. and . so you know. it wasn't attractive :S it was
kinda gross... just because. he looked really grubby.. i think it was his
eyes.. from being high.)

i was sorta disappointed. because he was high. but he was berd.
and he smiled and laughed. and i did still feel better than the gloom
of the restaurant.

XPP

so we walked into view of the restaurant. and so i reluctantly hugged him XPP
cuz he was sweaty. and smelled bad. because he was high.
and so i went back to the restaurant. and i took longer than i thought.
because i had to chase him. like a dog :S. it was kinda pathetic.
but i still did it.
and so. i get back. and then.
i wake up.
i suppose that they were all done eating.
i suppose that my poutine was sitting cold. on the corner i sat.
and i suppose they stared when i walked in.
and were ready to leave.
i would want to stay though
if they left.
i would want them to leave.
and stay.
i would hope that Grey would stay.
or even that berd would come in.
but. i wouldn't want Grey to stay. for only the fact.
that he wouldn't enjoy himself.
and that i'd be forcing him into my anti-social habits :P

that was a weird dream. :S
and I WAS EXPECTED to work at a dairyqueen/subway/KFC???!! INSANE.
AND THERE WERE POPCORN TOPPINGS IN THAT CUPBOARD WITH THE CINNAMON! XP

everything looks perfect from far away

there is no beautiful garbage, they cleared it up already

i feel like i need a cigar.


i don't think the comforting part about a cigarette. is that it simply calms you down. because of the nicotine and stuff. (proven that i actually makes you more nervous in the long run. XP but like people can believe that.)
i really think.
that it's the act of smoke.
filling your lungs.
ya.
it's s***.
and it's gross.

but when you feel like you can't breathe.
or like. you've gone through something like something that scared you
or shook up your nerves.
even a non-smoker will light one up.

my point is.
its the feeling of tangible substance filling your lungs.
because. when you feel like you can't breathe.
the air seems really invisible.or even when it's like. hot out.
you can't feel the air fill your lungs.
so it's comforting to know that there's something there.
and it's actually doing something.

and that your going to be okay.




(from another post i read. it was beautiful. but it's true. after you cough. or inhale smoke :S, the air. it tastes sweet. and beautiful.)





i don't smoke.
i don't plan on it any time soon.
i don't like this feeling.
i feel better now though.

wanna go to the movies or link arms as we skip down the sidewalk anyone?

no?

... ya. i thought as much.

you're a part time lover and a full time friend

we sure are cute for two ugly people.

[ D A Y O N E : C O N T I N U E D ]

okay so :P upon arriving at the fair. mouse(TRAP)'s PARENTS were sitting on a blue bench waiting beyond the gates XP.
it was weird. because. my parents look funny in contrast. my mom medium sized and native. and my scrawny cowboy dad. :P

anyways, i got popcorn that i didn't want XP we ditched it at the horse place. lol :P
well, that was after. ahem, so we get there, and i chat up about my plans of action that night, and then, Katt and Berd and I can't find the ticket line up :( we didn't know where it was!!.
well XP Quiche beat us to the punch. while i chatted and we scavenged, he was almost at the front of the line. :S i always feel bad when i budge. because. i hate it when people save spots for their friends in line and they're right in front of me..

so we got our wristbands. :P and then Blondie and Gameboy show up XPP JUST when we get ours XD, so we meet them and sit in line again :P,
and miss Pony(TOEZ) comes out of her day job to see us :P she was busy with well... ponies XD all through the fair :P, she had some time so she hung with us for awhile.
okay. now the FIRST RIDE we went on :) (well.. together XP i went on a ride with Pony's brother before that :P) it was AWESOME XD me katt and sam i beleive, we went on it again laterz XD. :P we watched it in the line, and were like, "what the heak? it only drops you once?". see, it's like the Hellevator at the PNE :PP cept... not so high. and. not so long XP. but it was TOTALLY WORTH IT. :D twas awesome. suspence kills you! and it's not tooooo long like some rides XP.

omg XPP mouse and Quiche went on the zipper :( , it was CRAZY XD. okay :P now . i was kind of dumb. and had things in my pockets... so XD we were on there. and :P Quiche is screaming like crazy lol, and my tic-tac's fly out of my pocket and bounced around the ENTIRE time XPP, and MY NEW CELL PHONE! it and it's case unclip from my pocket! it starts bouncing around AND QUICHE CATCHES IT! XD, and so he LOST GRIP!! it lands on the floor! and he WEDGES IT UNDER HIS FOOT. we are flipping :' and i feel something fly off me!!! :(, well, the phone flips to the top again, and quiche catches it again, THEN i grab it :P and i shove it in my shirt so that i know it won't go too far XDD THEN. the ride is basically over..... XD lol. :P it was a blast. then. i realize. my ipod nano. third gen. :( eight gig. :'. it was what flew out. MY TIC-TAC's EVEN MADE IT THOUGH! :( the carny guy found it. it works though. has like, a crack running through thefront and it's eternally on shuffle. until it runs out of songs..... :PP but.. it works :'

oh. either before or after i met sam :P
... well.. sam hung out with us. but mr Roberto and Cornelius showed up too :P but Blondie and them kinda disappeared lots.

(LOLoL! i just got a txt. said "No, your a horrible f***!" LOL :P and because of T9 it said that. and i got another and it's like "er... liar.")

ANYWAYS XD. :P we went to see Pony's pony :P, and Katt doesn't like ponies. and :P Pony chased her wif the pony. and Katt and Berd said sick things. and then Katt called ME the perv >:S
and pony had a show at 330. :P and we wanted to go on rides XP, so we left :PP for awhile. oh. XD and before that. KATT accidentallY STOLE A BALLOON FROM A CHILD XD!!!!
:P Gameboy ended up wif it. gameboy's funny. i never really hung out with him. he's pretty cool.

gameboy lent sam ten bucks so that he could go on rides :P, and THEN XP sam gives his bracelet to a friend :PP lol. silly sam.

(i had a stuffed poodle from my great aunt. :P his name was Sam-boy. lol.)

OH. we went on the spinning strawberries XP, mannn. i love those. those must be right up there with the ferrace wheel. and SAMM!!! XD he THROWS A WATERBOTTLE! INTO THE STRAWBERRY!!! XD WHILE IT"S SPINNING!!!
silly sam.
:P it just kind of flew in. kind of random. XD and when it was over the ride guy was like, "you guys alright?? i wanted to punch that guy!" AHAHAHA!
:) it's good you were with us Sam-boy.

:P we saw these awesome dudes. they were like, old ragtime guys. like, golden age music :P stuff you'd hear in saloons. jazz? ya :PP, it was awesome though. they were great. :) we sat for awhile. got some pics :P. they old. LOL.

IT RAINED SO HARD FOR AWHILE!!!! XP was right after Pony's show. only me and Katt were able to go XPP, Gameboy was disappointed that we weren't going on more rides :P.
PONY GOT FIRST! :P then she got second in the next one!! :) she's very good.

OH. :P we sat in teh bus for awhile. XD and ate mini donuts :P Gameboy bought so many XD LOL. i got a snapshot of him stuffing his face so that i can sit and giggle :) gonna post it on facebook. :)

oh, i gots Katt a Katt In The Hatt hat. :) it's awesome :P loloL! don't even know if she still has it XD, i basically just payed for it :P since i didn't get ANY of the darts in :S neither did Berd..

i MUST note. that. "SAM IS A PERV" because. he is. and he was showing off that fact >:( just because he LIKED being called that ):<

:) mouse and Katt got face painted as a mouse and a cat. :) :P mice have triangle noses and cat's have circle noses XP DUHHH :P nobody seemed to REALIZE that. can't make EVERYONE see when you let down your façade. i GUESS NOT. :P

saw DERBY. :P daphne loves derby. but not that fa(mouse)..... :P he buds wif sam. :P LOL we accidentally ditched him :P he said he'd be right back... and.. we kinda left XD lol, oh well we found them later :P(his brother and this chick with blue hair... it suited her :), she was pretty cool :PP, i guess. :P she was nice).

well. we missed the PG idol XD LOLOL :P that woulda been funny. i saw the commercial XD AHAHAHAHA. :P
and there was a cool ABBA cover band we passed :P they were RLY good from what I saw.

LC34 didn't play on the day we were there :P they decided to pick two nights with really good times instead of all of them with crappy ones XP oh well.

well LOTS HAPPENED.

last ride was teh ferrace wheel :)
mouse and Quiche
and Berd and Gameboy went :)
i love the ferrace wheel :P
took a bunch of pointless pics XD :P
and my MOTHER was down there :PP
yellow and all.
so XP
my time was up.
and SAMBOY! in GLASSES :P lol he funny.
silly sam.
so i hugged and goodbye'd
XP and just when we thought we got away with the whole day wifout her.
theres this miss _______ that came up and hugged me XP.
she's biking up to my villiage.
XP
and she's doing bad things. with fromented apples ...
and i don't like her.
and so. i'm going to try and get a job before then :P LOL.
it's bad. but. :/ i like to be as honest as i can without hurting someones feelings.


other than the last part.

:P hell, even with that last part.



:D that day was pretty radical.

:) -mouse at the fair. 2008-08-09

everything looks perfect from far away

see next blog for day at fair. :P this be book talk 'round 'ere

i am in a pretty good mood.
for once i am so glad to be in this room.
usually this isn't my favorite place, more like my only place.

i just finished another annoying book that got passed off to me by Anna Faye.
I think that i started to go into it. but i forgot halfway. well. this series. i just finished it. it at least caught my attention for that long. and got me up till two thirty in the morning. so i can't call it horrible. and i found that as i got through the book it got less and less annoying. XD and it got more and MORE annoying for A.F. though.
i made a point on my writings to talk about this.
well. by about 3/4 of the way through this series. and hell. mostly through the rest. i felt a likeness to the protagonist. but in a bad way. because i had always thought her as pathetic, needy, and of course, a stupid klutz. and what was worse. I didn't just feel a LIKENESS. but i felt that she was yet better. I felt envious to her self-control. and some situations she handled that I feel I would make more of a deal out of than necessary.
well. towards the end of the last book. I kind of stopped thinking like that. because. well the whole story changed XP the author did some weird stuff. and so. I ended up admiring her. and. I guess really relating to some stuff. well.. in a better way than before. ANYWAYS.
book was stupid.
made me feel good.
made me feel bad.
made me cry :S ONCE. for like TWO SECONDS.
<<
>>
.........
it was still dumb.
so. i'm not going to refer it to anyone.
caz it sux majorz.

GROW /-up-/

mouse came to write on zee blogzz here.
but. u know. good ole auto sign in. and i had a message.
now mouse is being a freak.
it was such a sweet thing to come home to. and now i can't keep my focus.
mouse has to leave the comp for a bit.
(million yearz later. after mouse is focuzed. ...
... okay. billion yearz.)

okay. well. my day just turned from shit to rainbows.
and now that kind of makes it hard to recount my days.

well. i will start off with the beginning. then skip some :P and come back to it. cuz let's leave on a happy note.

well. this day was the ninth of august 2008, and mouse had to walk to the bus depo.
(there's really nothing else to call it.)
there was a young man drinking what i believe to be orange juice. people in this town are generally nice. with generally good intentions. so it pleased me when he said good morning. and i back at him. because. sometimes it's nice to know that the world doesn't hate everyone so much as to be rude.
the night before i had almost four hours of sleep, which helped me wake up for my crisp walk. it was nice. foggy. but kind of like a dream. alone. but not lonely.
well.. cept for that guy on the bike. :S what the hell WAS he doing at six in the morning riding around town??? ... ANYWAYS.
took the bus to "over the hill". and. T O B E C O N T I N U E D lol.

i made NOTES :PP .
that night. (cuz i'll talk about the good day later.)

ahem. [ D A Y O N E ]
(setting. father(TRAP)'s house. mother(TRAP)&mouse(TRAP) visiting.)
" i'm right back where i started.
in a trailer.
he gets drunk.
they fight. (about the stupidest things.)
... i'm waiting for the part where she cries..
and also. i can't really hide in my room.. 'cuz that doesn't exist here."
"went to bed early. exhausted. tired. alone. bored.
.. no service sucks.."


[ D A Y T W O ]
(setting. same as day one.)
"not quite alone.. last night i had my cuddle buddy Newt. he cheers me up with his smile.
when my mom told me that the place was closed on Sundays, I realized that I could have went to Pony's.
I almost didn't leave the bed today. after I ate, it was too cold to stay in the company of them . as a unit they shouldn't be mentioned. They fail horribly. and I think it's sad how they pretend their marriage still exists. It's only a piece of paper still saying so.
It's hard to stay in bed all day. but it's about 3:15 pm. not long before I can come back for sleep at night. maybe i'll take a shower. that'll use up my 2 hours."
.... and then. mouse was a freak that night. BUG ON COMP.. ew. XD. sry. :P ,
well, i wrote alot that night. and now mouse is mad at self for being dumb. :P mice arent that smart. that's why they're common in labs. no one cares about... NVM.
well anyways. mouse droned on about stupid stuff that doesn't matter anymore. and then worked herself up. and was sad. cuz her cuddle buddy didn't come that night.
well..
" (lalalalalalaalalala)... ends 11:15 pm.
okay I lied., like, a half hour later (from that time). Newt finally came to see me."

[ D A Y T H R E E ]
(setting. the same. morning. leaving soon.)
" so far. i feel better. more neutral.
I just am excited to leave. but. not excited at where i'm headed.
upside.
I probably won't -beep- again till i'm gone."(XD everyone who reads that beep will take it the wrong way.)


okay. and for days. that's all i wrote down. but other things i noted on my way out.
kay... ninth is day one. tenth.. eleventh.
okay. so the eleventh, twelfth, and thirteenth.... :/ and fourteenth.
i spent at Anna Faye's .
she always gets me to read stupid books. that i don't really want to read 19 times out of 20. and I always come back with about half the books completely untouched. and worst. if i DO read the book. it's usually part of a series. usually a LONG series.
well anyways. this time. it was a book that I actually no longer MINDED reading. but. i mean. i didn't really love the book. and it's hard. because. she kept asking me my critique on every. single. LITTLE. aspect. and scenarios. and who vs. who.
and then her OWN stories that she writes. which aren't half bad. but they're like the book she READS.. so i'm not totally into it. and then. it's a rerun with the questions. even though i don't know anything. and BASICALLY. its. exasperating. and quite. annoying.

i. have. become. a .. stickler for higene. it's just something i've developed. because. i feel gross when I don't shower for one day. because my hairs get really greasy really fast. and so does my skin. and i'm prone to getting dirty. because. :P i have no balance. and i know that i'll be able to clean up later.
well. at the Faye house. it's not the same. they live out of town. and their water is from a creek with water so filled with iron that it runs the color of rust... not safe to drink. and they run on solar panel's and a power plant. and it is a farm. and they don't say it. but they are poor. i believe it's their fault. but i still feel kind of bad. and .
now. i had a shower on the eleventh. but i haven't had a good shower since then. till.. maybe.. half hour from now? HOLY COW IT'S BEEN AN HOUR WRITING THIS!. kay well... maybe late LATE tonight i'll get my shower XP even though it's only nine. but. it's been three days since a decent shower.well.. three and a half since it was early morning. and the closest thing i had was two days ago when i was able to wash my hair. that is why i hate staying at the farm. it is hard to bath there. because they run on a weird schedule because they are lazy and watch tv. harsh. but true. my nose has been burning and itching since before i got inside their house. her mother smokes. and i find it to smell like shit. i will wash all my clothes tonight. even if they are clean. and the dogs are eating meat from god knows where. and licking you. and lying on the carpet. that hasn't been vacuumed since they had Anna's B-day. wich was like a month ago. at least i'm assuming. and we all know what assuming does... but i'd bet on it.
her mother is a smoker. gets those big cartons of nicotine and tubes. and then has this thing so put it in the tube. :P i don't know what it's called. so she basically rolls them herself. i guess they save money that way.
[mom just came in.. " so you getting caught up with everybody?" .... me, " kind of." lol if this counts as everybody? XD ]
but anyways.
another thing.. i must say. i MIGHT have been the only one washing their hands EVERY time they go to the washroom.. and THEN SOME. and i probably was the only one brushing their teeth too. because. A.F. got a new toothbrush on the day i got there. it hadn't moved from the spot it had been for the time i was there. and the toothbrush i used (because i accidentally left that at father(TRAP)'s) was one of her old ones that i cringed at because there was no hot water to wash off anything.) and i think i might have been the closest one out of me and her to have a shower. and she was the one going to tutoring. i just. i have a problem with that. because. she was technically ABLE to do that. i didn't really have a choice with my bathing. she wouldn't have been nervous to demand the power plant to go on at night. or optimize timings.
right. and i finished one book of the series i didn't mind, but then i started another. XP they're LONG books. ug. my eyes started to hurt on the bus ride home. that's all i've done for the past three days except play video games and watch t.v.
the one night. she didn't interupt too much. even though she was so BUSY reading HER OWN BOOk. of the same series XPP, she still had TONS of time to chat. and ask lots of questions. that wasn't so bad. because. for a couple hours she DID shut up. but the next night. AND DAY. she chattered so much. as SOON as i agreed that i would stay one more day. i swear. it made me want to not come back.
i certainly didn't eat the way i wanted to. or how much. or how often. or what. because. i'm a big eater. and she's a small eater. and i eat more times a day than probably alot of people even. (i heard it was good for your metabolism. like. more small meals than just fewer big meals. and it's true. but it just kind of stuck.) so. two waffles at like 10am. and then nothing cept a blizzard that contained wayy too much sugar for my system to handle around 4. then dinner at 5:30. that was annoying.
and. where we went to dinner one night. well. we were invited by relatives to join them at the salvation army for dinner. and it felt weird. i wore my sunglasses in. and i felt like a jerk. because. we didn't NEED to be there. well. maybe more than i would think. but. i know that I didn't. i'm not trying to sound all high and mighty. but. i felt bad. like i was freeloading off of the charity of others. and it was true. those relatives contributed to the church and stuff. but. we didn't. i'm not even that religious. and.... the food wasnt the best i've had. but i wasn't in much the mood for chicken and yellow rice that night.

another point i wrote down. was. about one night. well. every night actually.
when are you too old for dessert... never.
when are you too old to ask your parents for dessert...
more-so.
when are you too old to ask your parents if you can have cookies and milk for dessert.
when am I old enough to make my own decisions.
... i dont like white milk.
i don't always prefer cookies.
and. i don't want my popcorn portioned for me thanks. i'd rather have the cookies then mang.
i thought all of this the other night when Anna Faye went to the living room (and i heard through the paper-thin walls) and asked, " mummy? can me and mouse have some milk and cookies for dessert?" ... i had a deja-vu moment. for the second time on this trip. i remembered her probably phrasing it the exact same way... only when we were like. ten. and even then i think i might have thought it was kind of dumb. (XD didn't mean to confuse anyone.) the point is. we both grew at different speeds. considerably. even though i AM a year older. i didn't mean it like that. we are just. really different. and that might have been a reason we were friends when we were 3. maybe it was a reason i stayed friends with her when i was 6. and 11. and so on. but. we just headed down different paths. but i have to be the one that keeps backtracking to come see her.
maybe i want us to be in different places.
i want to grow up.
this was another point.
because. i don't want to GROW UP.
i want to

grow up

i just. feel uncomfortable around them. i don't trust her. and i don't approve of how her lifestyle is. i accept it. but. i no longer feel compatable.
i feel horrible.
for lying to someone for so long. trying to make the relationship work. when i don't want it to . because i pity her. i feel bad for her. she's had rough times. and it would kill her if i left.

and i left today. and i was happy. i didn't care that once again i had to ride home on the bus looking like i was a homeless grubby. i didn't care that i smelled like shit. i just wanted to leave. so i put on a smile. which i WAS happy. but for the wrong reasons. hugged her goodbye and left. :/ .

we had a few pitstops. but. those are borring.




back to the good part.





[ D A Y O N E : C O N T I N U E D ]

:) i found a Berdie.
):< a GOOD Berdie. that wasn't being a BERD. >:)
i missed sir Berdie. he meeted me at the bus stop. :/ sad. cuz Grey Matter couldn't come. and i know he wanted to meet Berd. but. i think I wanted him to meet Berd more :P.
anyways XP it's like an hour and a half walk from his house there. so i tried to talk him out of it the night before. but :P he got his grandpa to drive him. so it turned out good. :S it'd be weird waiting alone for .... 4 hours :P while everyone else was waking up. and just heading over to the EVENTT. >:). so. me and mr. "B" -nudge nudge sunny(D). :D -
we chatted lots. :) twas nice to joke around and catch up. never really have lots of quality time with the Berdie. told me bout what he did. which was BAD!! XP STEALING a waveboard. :P well.. i think they're cool. and it was hard not to laugh. so. upon leaving, we were talking food. cuz we hungry XD. u kno :P mcdonalds, and stuff. we never DID go to that little coffee shop with those amazing cakes. :P we walked right by. silly Berd. instead, he was on his way to the bank, so we went to Tim Horts. it's a nice little donut shop. you should try it. :P i secretly (well not so secretly so i voiced it later...) wanted to buy a twelve pack of the big donuts... instead of my measly ten pack of bits. :( and i wanted the glazed brown ones not the plain ones. i should've looked at the sign more carefully. :'
and i gotz OJ and a BGLLLL :) i likes bagelzz. and i freaked out when they only put the cream cheese on one side XPP, because, i always thought it was on both. but.. ahem.. the heat melts it to both of them.. and i felt silly. ( okay. i know. WAYYY too much detail XD but it's going to continue. i want to get back into my good mood.) we went to a nearby bus stop to eat. lol! a bus stopped ( i SO called it) and asked if we were going to go on. and i think he said "look scary!" XD so he like lowered his tooque (how the hell you spell it.) and i put on my shades. but i couldnt stop laughing. and the bus drove by. and i really wished i had a picture. because. it looked cool. the way we were reflected. and we looked radical XD eating tim hortons and hogging the bench. total kodac moment. DA material. then.. we went to the mall? ya.. no wait. :p we went to ... umm... the bank! XD
he could only take twenty out at a time XP it was dumbbb.
and we went to sears. for a camera memory card. but XP that kind was discontinued. so we like. walked across the mall to get to the source XD, :P cuz it moved. and we forgoted. and it was there XP right. i bought batteries that morning too. XP and GUESS WHAT. they had like, a free batterie pack with purchase! i said no at first. because. i'm like. i dont wanna buy more batteries. but then i found out it was FREE. and i was like, HEAK YES! and.. :/ i didnt... :' i didn't get my batteries.
hmm. what else.
we went to electron. :P Berd needed to buy a new pedal. he wanted a distortion one. the guy said that for his " modern rock " sound, he should try the metal core. :P sounded better. XP LOL we couldnt set it up XD it was so easy, but this amp was weird XPP, we had to get "assistance" LOL. and of course i embarassed myself when he asked B if he would like a chair and me on the floor saying " no thats okay i'm fine" . :PP
XP ACCORDING TO SOME BERD. AND SOME KATT. old man was hitting on my at one point. but ahem... i'd bet it was closer to hitting on Berd than ANYONE. :PP think he thought i was Berd's girl. lol, :P what a senile old man. :O i think he was making INNUENDO! >:[ now he's just rude. sorry. i just made a new conclusions :S he was saying weird things. and i just smiled politely.. and looked at buttons. and sat on a floor.... that yellow strap was kind of cool... cept it had words.
OFF TRACK.
ANYWAYS. punch line, Berd decided metal core sounded better :P lol, so he went to buy it XP and his card declined! he had the money. but he couldn't access it because his account is stupid. XD he'd have to withdraw money for a week before he could pay for it :PP. twenty at a time. because. technically he can withdraw 25 a day. but. ahem. YOU KNOW.

right LOl and by electron, on our way XD i'm surprised it didn't happen sooner, :P but we ran into one of the MOST RECENT ex-gf's of his. :P they were polite. maybe stoned. :S cuz they obviously were the kind that would be all cheery to him then make comments when they were out of earshot. XP
:P and Berd. and his MIND. and him needing to TELL ME THINGS. like. aherm. getting the whim of an idea to do something. just like it was like saying " hey, we should go to starbucks and get frapps!" .. which we did. :) strawberry. :( orange is discontinued :'
he had chai. it was good :/ i should have it next time. or maybe i'll try green tea....
BACK TO IT. XP mr Berd and him going " hey, i should kiss ___! :) she wouldn't mind. she'd be cool with it." sometimes. mouse isn't the only freak :S XD lol. it was kind of funny. how he sounded almost child-like. and also :PP how it worked out. oh well. weird things.
found a pocket knife.... slash shaver XD LOL, you know, those old fashioned ones. :P i have it. Berd put it in mah bag and i forgotted to give it back to him before i left XP.
after the call of nature-all stonesssssssssss-coffeehouse. we started walking to the EVENT. :P miss sunshine blooze said that if they saw us walking on the road they would stop and pick us up. and XD we got picked up :P
my mother told me not to roll with strangers yo.

OWCH! XD do sneezes ever hurt YOUR pelvis? XPP mine did. i just did a giant convultion.

anyways. mr. ... what shall we call him. mr. G-STEAM. ??? i'll work on it. and have to remember to edit it if it changes. was in his facade of mr. big and mighty. :P for some reason. i still think he's soft on the inside. just like everyone else. he just acts tough. he knows how to love. :) he seems like a good big brother to sunny Daize. and her other big brother (not by tooo much, like a year) mr, quiche :), he's just so happy :) smiles lots. makes the atmosphere really relaxed :).
anyways, mr G ( LOL!) dropped all us'n's off at LE FAIR!! :) twas going to be a good day. lol mr G is a funny guy. always so angry :PP. he's silly.
but. XD i have been writing this for like. two and a half hours. everyone is going to be dead when they finished. and that is IF they ever finish. :P

i would like to thank you for taking all time for those of you who read it ALL. all my boring, detailed, angry, sad, happy, stupid life happenings of the last few days. :P
i must say i'm proud of the surviors. because. :P the happenings AT the fair, will be for tomorrow XP, because i've been typing for a long time :( and i don't even know if i have enogh time... OR ENERGY for a shower. so i'm gonna make my bed and sleep in it... and make it stinky XPP.

to be continued LOL.

everything looks perfect from far away

everything looks perfect from far away

i think i'm PARanoiddd

i think i might scrap the fairy tales for now.

he said "I've always been a dick! You never really cared till now" .
ouch. you're not just that. you are wonderful. you care. you have fascinating opinions. you're funny. you can be modest. and i love you. but it always hurt me when people said things. i just. want to be more honest. and open. and i don't even know if that's the problem.
i love him so much. but i'm scared my dramatics might push him away.
i'm scared my tendancy to want to know his every move, and every past movement might push him away. i mean. i tell him EVERYTHING. it's just kind of weird i don't get the same opportunity of knowledge. well. i think there's one secret left. but that's it. and :P it's just embarassing. and i didn't like the last reaction i got. because i take it seriously.
i take everything TOO seriously apparantly. that kind of hurts to hear sometimes. because, i'm. i dont know. it just does. and so does so much.

i feel like peach sometimes.
i bruise easy.
in more ways than one.
i was like, happier than ever two days ago. and now i feel like shit. i think i just have some issues. u kno.. up there.
i swing sometimes.
cept, the wonder of flying kind of, wore off after a bit.
and for some reason, i jump off at the peak. and i bruise my knees.
haven't done that in awhile though. so it seems to hurt more than i remember.

I wonder if it could be called an episode? yes??

using this blog. even if people don't read it. it really helps me just, talk to people. without having to talk to anyone. i'm still able to say anything. hopefully without too much consequence XP, then again...

he's going on vacation.
two weeks i believe.
if he reads this. even if he doesn't.
i'm really going to miss him.

... maybe that's all this really was .
cuz, ya i'm a "sensitive whoaaaMAN".
but. that might not have been it.
maybe i'm just sad he's leaving.
maybe i'm just going to miss him

rly. i think thats all it is.


.. mouse is a freak :S
:PP
(don't know why i'm publishing this. i changed my entire mood and mind like, half way through XPP)

the girl from mars

you know that feeling.
that feeling thats not that great.
and its because of SOMETHING.
i mean. it HAS to be something right?
right??.. :/

well. what if you tell that feeling. that ur gonna ditch it.
"you suck, im leaving!"
ya. :) :P
switch to neutral!
:P well.
so. you tell yourself to forget about it.
but.
what if you actually forget.
like.
you cant remember.
but. the feeling comes back.
and. you can't remember why you had it in the first place.
and it grows of course
its like yeast in dough.
bigger and bigger.
and then :P
well.
it can't just grow forever. it has to GO somewhere.
and it does.
eventually.
randomly.
:/ unwantedly.
now.
why was this again?



u kno. i think that i think that im more high and mighty than i am :P.
because. i get angry or upset at rly stupid things. but more than that.
im thinking about when it's things that, rly i SHOULD be all gung-ho about XP
i mean, if its okay for me, it should be okay for you.
:P whatever, jus another thought.



i think i'm too impulsive when it comes to shopping. i stop thinking about money :P
so i spend it all on stuff that i dont need XPP.


i probably over-react to everything. i actually get told alot by people that i take things too seriously XPP. but. even tho, like, 5 minutes ago, they were saying how easygoing, or how goofy i was :S.
well. if your going to tell me something. then. i'm probably going to beleive you :S. because i trust you. and so. don't laugh at me when i do take it to heart :/ .
but. some things. i take. and i run with it. i just dont let go. or . i dont let go QUICK enough.
so that sucks.

mouse.