if you don't like the movie then quit acting

only you have the recipe for your own happiness.

a famous quote.
cuz i say it's famous.
a good friend told me this.

it made me happy.
it made me feel confident and proud.
it made me feel like everything would be okay.

but then.
what if you don't have the ingredients?
what if someone forgot to pick up the eggs?
(to this bacon)

i was happy and proud.
that day was supposed to be "a perfect day" :)
:S then i got detentions. TWO. because of a misconception and rediculusness.
and probably some other things.
but that was most prominent.
just. that smile faded away.
and this new ugly face took it's place.
just. that was supposed to be a good day.
and how, he has the AUTHORITY to do that.
to just take it all away.
anything he wants.
just.
makes you feel helpless.

hanging on for hope?
when it's just to hard to cope the road out?

i have hope.
i hope i have hope.
sometimes i feel like there's none.
but then i find it.
a flake.
that's slowly melting.
even though the ground grows colder.

i just want to be happy.
like. not for just a few hours.
or minutes.
but days?
please?
it's not even big problems.
it's just too many little things to cope with.
i'm so stressed out.
and scared.
i'm scared...


the perfect day.
being taken from me.
maybe by myself in reality.
but still, being taken from me.
hasn't just happened once.
i think three or so times.
i told myself.
how i was going to be better.
how i was going to try harder.
how i was going to be happy.
because i would start making the things i wanted happen.

but then something happened. or i heard some comment.
and so.. XP it's a work in progress.

by the time i'm old enough for family and teachers to stop telling me
 how to live
how to breath,
it'll be a new game.
and that dye i wanted?
that external harddrive?
that xbox?
that trip?
that will now be controlled by bills. and debt.
and work.
and things will get pushed aside.

i've been thinking about the future alot lately.
but not at all at the same time.
i just feel helpless.
and like my life is over after it's hardly begun.
i feel like i'm in my dying days.
but i can't just be happy.
and smile and make it the best.
and i want to.
and i'll keep trying.

people like it when you smile.
in general. people like when people smile.
people like when people are happy.
people like when they don't have to deal with you.
but i understand.
it gets repetitive.
and annoying.
i suppose.

i miss just lying in the grass.
just staring.
and just it feeling like home.
but i moved away from that home too.
this year. i can't lie in that spot. and feel the same peace,
the same welcoming as i did the summer before.

some days i want to chuck my computer out my window.
then i won't feel disappointed when i sit here for hours.
not doing a thing.
and making myself invisible.
but still expecting someone to just say to me
"hey?" and for them to tell me all their problems.
to tell me all their secrets.
not just trivial stuff to make small talk.
and i could help them.
and i could listen to them.
i was really good at that.
i might still be.
and i'd feel accomplished knowing that,
i helped.
i made a difference.

maybe i'd forget about myself again?
i'd be more self-sacrificing.
with all my complaining.
and all my whining.
and all my crying.
i feel just. pitiful.
it's sad :S
and it's selfish.
i feel very selfish.
it's dumb.
and i used to be more quiet.
but now that i voice my opinions.
i also complain alot more.
:S
ALOT.

i hate being pissed off. it's not like me at all.
I hate it.


selfish.




oh mr. pitiful, who let you down. who let you down?
you still don't believe, and you're grievances show.
...
please come down from that cloud you're sitting on.

the girl from mars

you know that feeling.
that feeling thats not that great.
and its because of SOMETHING.
i mean. it HAS to be something right?
right??.. :/

well. what if you tell that feeling. that ur gonna ditch it.
"you suck, im leaving!"
ya. :) :P
switch to neutral!
:P well.
so. you tell yourself to forget about it.
but.
what if you actually forget.
like.
you cant remember.
but. the feeling comes back.
and. you can't remember why you had it in the first place.
and it grows of course
its like yeast in dough.
bigger and bigger.
and then :P
well.
it can't just grow forever. it has to GO somewhere.
and it does.
eventually.
randomly.
:/ unwantedly.
now.
why was this again?



u kno. i think that i think that im more high and mighty than i am :P.
because. i get angry or upset at rly stupid things. but more than that.
im thinking about when it's things that, rly i SHOULD be all gung-ho about XP
i mean, if its okay for me, it should be okay for you.
:P whatever, jus another thought.



i think i'm too impulsive when it comes to shopping. i stop thinking about money :P
so i spend it all on stuff that i dont need XPP.


i probably over-react to everything. i actually get told alot by people that i take things too seriously XPP. but. even tho, like, 5 minutes ago, they were saying how easygoing, or how goofy i was :S.
well. if your going to tell me something. then. i'm probably going to beleive you :S. because i trust you. and so. don't laugh at me when i do take it to heart :/ .
but. some things. i take. and i run with it. i just dont let go. or . i dont let go QUICK enough.
so that sucks.

mouse.

everybody laugh, everybody sing, "its over"

so i'm still a little behind. XP we continue, at 6 days ago. :P
kill off the king, kill off the queen..


Mouse started the day slow. knowing it to be somewhat a repeat of the day before. the difference was. He had his sturdy rock. his Grey Matter. so of course, it should be a little easier.
but all day, mouse avoided the cave. When it came time to venture in. Mouse made it inside the mouth again. but the fear took hold again, and hurriedly he said to Grey Matter, "I can't do this, please, I don't want to be here." and again. he ran away.
sitting within sight of the cave, they sat. GM telling mouse how easy it should be, and asking why he couldn't do it. And as M shed a tear in his confusion. Grey started to say how "you don't have to do this."
but mouse knew. mouse knew what had to be done. and. really, it shouldn't have been so hard.
and ever since the day before, M had been kicking himself. and now so, even more.


the next day. mouse told Grey that he would just be out at work.
which was true.
except.
Mouse had to try one more time.

singing tunes to keep his mind busy, M marched right in and the two that were there, they were smiling and laughing at a joke. Reassured, Mouse smiled and stated the business he was there for. suddenly a solemn/serious look flowed across the ones face, and the other disappeared into some other room. :S M became nervous but the smile was still stapled to his face. and realized :P all he could do today was talk, which made things easier. but. :/ now he also realized he'd have to come back, they needed him to talk some more people. and maybe do tests! :( he'd become a LAB RAT.
but on the way out, Mouse was laughing. because. what a silly mouse :P.
makin such a big deal outa everything


typical rodent.