I Think Better With Chicken Sauce.

on one fine day, I was to reunite with Kashew.
an old dear friend of mine.
things we did were less than exciting, but thrilled at the same time.
everything was an adventure
I love nostalgia.

I found myself pouring out things that even those closest to me had to nag for.
maybe it was the near anonymity? or the desire to rekindle what was once.
she sucked in my anecdotes like air. hanging off every word.
suddenly I was badgered to get the man to come whisk me away!
and to my surprise (of course after confusing technology and about 2 hours later)
it happened.
we walked and talked all the way to meet him.
my favorite part.

old friendships never die, if you leave them there to live on.

and after she got home. and we were driving around.
me and the man found ourselves back in the ole neighborhood.

holding hands in the park and kissing under the monkeybars.

since we were so close to kashew's, I decided to invite her on our adventuring.
we were tourists.
we went to every park and playground of my childhood.
and at the school with all those bad memories.
but all those good ones too,
it started raining.
pouring.
the moon looked like Meteor.


yes. Meteor. not A Meteor. just Meteor.

.... n00b.



after adventuring with kashew, we parted ways.
me and the man continued however.
hiding from the law. fugitives!
we looked for backroads, and shortcuts.
finding ourself getting nuggets at mcdonalds.
and seeing a stereotypical hooker on 20th.
where else? c'mon.

eating in fort george park and sharing deepest thoughts.

Kidnapping.
"Is it alright if I kidnap you?"
I love that he always asks. and so shyly.
right before heading to my house.
the fork between our two homes.
he whisks me away to the lake.
we're falling asleep on the ride back.
dangerous don'cha know
and we fall asleep immediately.

entangled in our magical night.

I don't want to worry whether we're gonna stay together till we die

Maybe This Time Is Different, I Mean, I Really Think You Like Me

My world was flipped upside down.

you were late. but I don't blame you.
pale but excited. I waited at Pony's work.
I saw you and it was magnetic.

I didn't catch on to how far that feeling might go.
At that point I was convinced it'd be impossible.

I'd never had so much fun at the mall. We went to Sears and pretended to be a couple.
We were looking for the perfect home.
our banana couch, which is good for sitting, smalltalk, and other things >>
but not a great sleeping couch. also leather-like. another minus for sleeping on.
and looking at stoves. i wanted chrome or black. to compliment our mahogany cabinets.
The sales lady didn't understand. but that was okay. it's our private joke.
treadmills. not so interesting.
we're a modern household. so only the flat-screens for us.
for over the fireplace.

and we lay in the grassy shade at Masich Place. just talking about random things. or nothing at all.
the white older woman who listened to mariah carrey and Beyoncè way too loud.
or the black hairless man excercizing on spot in the distance.

his sweat glistened and the world radiated from his hairless body.

we hung out at PGSS in the back.
we talked and talked.

and there just wasn't enough time in the world.
or maybe he just hadn't seen the world in awhile.
either way, he invited me to the lake where he lives.
we swam with his sister and her friends and mom :)
it was so much fun.

i had to borrow clothes. but even then i was still damp.

slowly we grew closer.
at first i thought it was for comfort.
and then it was for my comfort.

we watched south park and the matrix.
you'd never think of them as anything intimate.

you'd move cautiously.
testing the waters as you wrapped your arm around me.
I melted.

there were so many feelings and emotions.
but there wasn't regret.
"what a night..."

With these things there’s no telling
We just have to wait and see

that sense of home you lost when you left last year.

so i know i've basically fallen off the face of the interweb.
moving around alot
first stop. my dad's house.
things never change. him and my mom went into their same old patterns.
which was fine.
but i was there to visit him. him begging me.
and for the first two weeks he takes off fishing and we spend no time together.
then i go back to q-town, for the BBD.
which was full of twists and turns and inebreation.

fast rides are no longer my favorite >>

so when i get back to hometown. i finally get off my butt and arrange to spend time with human beings.
recconnecting with old friends :) it was swell.
pony, kat, greg.
my first rave ;)
no drugs etc. but it was awesome. marco is my favorite!
smeely was actually a decent rapper.
and walco was a crowd pleaser.
there were these few DBags. who thought they were hot shit.
but other than that it was good. met alot of people :)
merlin. called so because he's a wizard. i was getting everyone to dance and rock out
and this purpleshirtman.
he was aussie.
and while dancing with the merlin and purpleman.
just fun stuff. TWKYK style :p finger pointing, light bulb, lawn mower, sprinkler etc.
and apparently it took me FIFTEEN seconds to realize i was sneak-attack-grinded :P
goodness. so awkward. i tried to pretend it wasn't happening. and it just made things worse.

so after the night was over. aussie gave me a ride home :)
and we got to talking. and he gave me his number.
he works at great white. likes dungeons and dragons lol.
he's a swimmer. and just some random cool stuff.
and anyways. i end up at his house. and this flirting takes hours. before i leave i finally just kiss him.
gosh. indecisiveness :P
anyways.. that happened twice. i mean.... extensively.
;) i like aussie's.
yum. and was mentioning this to PONY. and probably the most innocent of all my friends. she says to me

"omg. you need to get laid."

this same day. while hanging out at great white with purpleman and his friend that worked in the mall as well.
i see from afar, an aquaintace from highschool walk in.
he's from q-town and i go to say hi.

"Leif Nellll"

usual smalltalk. hey how ya doin, parol officer eh? warhammer looks cool.
etc. :P

and he gives me his number so we can meet up and hang out the next day.
purpleman had stuff to do anyways.

that next morning is when pony's words came in.
not literally.


i never expected that things would change so much.
but i guess they already were. since the rave. since before then.
in good and bad ways. but mostly good :)

i have needs too

my dreams are screaming at me.

to let loose and have fun.
and i really would! if life permitted it.
i wanna pick up men! ;)
have a fling!
just have fun with someone for as long as it happens to be.

holy beep.
i'm happy?
at least sorta :P

sigh.

i remember when you cared.
when i cried.
when i was sad.
when i was angry.

i remembered when you'd answer my simple questions.

explain yourself.

i'm getting tired of feeling like you don't wanna hang around anymore.

Is There Any Point Of This Hanging Around?

(twas AWOL. it's okay.)

i had no idea what i was after. i'm just preparing for disaster

i think i'm starting to be okay.
the other day i cried when i thought about it too hard.
5 minute slip. I swear.
just some details. that make me ramble. not good.
but I'm getting through this.

why don't you give my feet a break.... and come back

He's still my best friend.
which is weird. but i'm glad he's still in my life.
i'm not even sure that i'd rather it any other way.
so maybe it did turn out for the best.
friends usually hang around alot longer ;)

but we'll see.

i just won't think about how he "doesn't see me in that light anymore"
ya... not thinking is good :P

i'm pretty optimistic though. and confident in my decisions.
something i saw from a friend.
quote.
Marylin Monroe said it.
it was about. people change so you learn to let go.
but anyways.
it reminded me. how much more independent i am now.
how much more confident in my decisions i am.
not that i don't miss being vulnerable.
it has its upsides.

i miss working out my problems instead of pushing them away.
but. i guess that pushed him away.
-not thinking-

i am/was a really depressed and easily stressed person. and i can't change that.
but even if nobody else can... i think i can accept it.

cuz it's moments like this. where i sit and just smile. even when the world may be crumbling.
isn't it always?

i remember in the kitchen when you told me your grandma died. that's when i realized it gets worse.




i don't think i discussed this with anyone.
love scares me. what's happened to my view.

i think i tried to tell him.
but he got confused. and was like "wouldn't it just make you think that it doesn't last forever?"

i want to wish things last forever.

but no..

see.. suddenly not loving me.
(and i gave him every excuse he was oblivious to. not even love as a friend. not even a changed love. just no love.)

i'm not even sure what to believe... i think..
once you love someone. you'll always love them.
you're love may change, but it doesn't just disappear...

and in one lifetime, you could fall in love a million different ways with many people. if you happen to find them. or even with the same person.

if you don't love me... i doubt you ever did..
but i don't believe that. he's just an uneducated man in a loveless world.

ironically... imitating his dad... except in the way, he actually told me.
but i think it was an excuse. to get out.
fear.

but once you're out... sometimes you're out for good.
and this might be the case.
unless we meet each other all over again in a few years.
but that's not something to hold on to... that's not how i found him in the first place.
dwelling on an idea.



won't you thicken my soft skin. Comfort me so - and I remember remember.
When I walk through that door. I won't hear the happy sounds anymore. this year took so much away, and won't give it back.

fated to pretend.

i hate trying so hard and being happy all the time.
knowing that DESPITE all the effort i put in..
anything i do probably doesn't change a single fucking thing.


if i thought it was helping more it wouldn't be so difficult.


(but i'm really not pretending....)