BE HAPPY >:[ ! BEHAPPY! please. be happy.

i'm a party pooper.

phrased pete ever so elegantly.
and i am.
"sometimes we all are"
"sometimes"
"sometimes alot of the time"

:P well.
apparantly that doesn't mean "alot of the time"
that woulda been my next guess in the pattern.

i think me being depressed.
interferes with alot more things than i thought.
and i'm starting to worry about the effect it has on my relationship.

so i've been sorta depressed very recently.
grey mattter says it's kinda weird when i get depressed.

"
Greykiller: It's kind of unexpected
Greykiller: And it's like
Greykiller: I can do things
Greykiller: It makes you feel better for a bit
Greykiller: But
Greykiller: There's always something else
"

:S

he makes me feel better than anyone else could.
but i think i look for reasons to be sad after that.
just because i'm not quite over the initial feeling.
i have a hard time letting things go alot of the time.
and it sucks.

i need to learn how to make myself just be happy.
i'm worried i'll just turn to alcohol.
it seems easy.
it's not that i'm UNhappy.
just that i get sad.
i just want to stop getting so sad.
it's always about dumb things too.
stuff that i know the logical answer to.
stuff that i know i shouldn't even worry about.

either that. or i'm afraid i might just close myself off again.
i started opening up.
and people started to see that i was sad.
but if i close myself off.
people might think i'm always happy.
which is also a bad thing.
that means i'd prolly have to lie to GM.
lie to myself.
and i just can't put up that smile on command anymore.
not to GM. or the people close to me.

i just wish it would magically go away.
and i'd just be cheery and energetic all the time.
i'd be perfect all the time.

i'm just selfish.