if you don't like the movie then quit acting

only you have the recipe for your own happiness.

a famous quote.
cuz i say it's famous.
a good friend told me this.

it made me happy.
it made me feel confident and proud.
it made me feel like everything would be okay.

but then.
what if you don't have the ingredients?
what if someone forgot to pick up the eggs?
(to this bacon)

i was happy and proud.
that day was supposed to be "a perfect day" :)
:S then i got detentions. TWO. because of a misconception and rediculusness.
and probably some other things.
but that was most prominent.
just. that smile faded away.
and this new ugly face took it's place.
just. that was supposed to be a good day.
and how, he has the AUTHORITY to do that.
to just take it all away.
anything he wants.
just.
makes you feel helpless.

hanging on for hope?
when it's just to hard to cope the road out?

i have hope.
i hope i have hope.
sometimes i feel like there's none.
but then i find it.
a flake.
that's slowly melting.
even though the ground grows colder.

i just want to be happy.
like. not for just a few hours.
or minutes.
but days?
please?
it's not even big problems.
it's just too many little things to cope with.
i'm so stressed out.
and scared.
i'm scared...


the perfect day.
being taken from me.
maybe by myself in reality.
but still, being taken from me.
hasn't just happened once.
i think three or so times.
i told myself.
how i was going to be better.
how i was going to try harder.
how i was going to be happy.
because i would start making the things i wanted happen.

but then something happened. or i heard some comment.
and so.. XP it's a work in progress.

by the time i'm old enough for family and teachers to stop telling me
 how to live
how to breath,
it'll be a new game.
and that dye i wanted?
that external harddrive?
that xbox?
that trip?
that will now be controlled by bills. and debt.
and work.
and things will get pushed aside.

i've been thinking about the future alot lately.
but not at all at the same time.
i just feel helpless.
and like my life is over after it's hardly begun.
i feel like i'm in my dying days.
but i can't just be happy.
and smile and make it the best.
and i want to.
and i'll keep trying.

people like it when you smile.
in general. people like when people smile.
people like when people are happy.
people like when they don't have to deal with you.
but i understand.
it gets repetitive.
and annoying.
i suppose.

i miss just lying in the grass.
just staring.
and just it feeling like home.
but i moved away from that home too.
this year. i can't lie in that spot. and feel the same peace,
the same welcoming as i did the summer before.

some days i want to chuck my computer out my window.
then i won't feel disappointed when i sit here for hours.
not doing a thing.
and making myself invisible.
but still expecting someone to just say to me
"hey?" and for them to tell me all their problems.
to tell me all their secrets.
not just trivial stuff to make small talk.
and i could help them.
and i could listen to them.
i was really good at that.
i might still be.
and i'd feel accomplished knowing that,
i helped.
i made a difference.

maybe i'd forget about myself again?
i'd be more self-sacrificing.
with all my complaining.
and all my whining.
and all my crying.
i feel just. pitiful.
it's sad :S
and it's selfish.
i feel very selfish.
it's dumb.
and i used to be more quiet.
but now that i voice my opinions.
i also complain alot more.
:S
ALOT.

i hate being pissed off. it's not like me at all.
I hate it.


selfish.




oh mr. pitiful, who let you down. who let you down?
you still don't believe, and you're grievances show.
...
please come down from that cloud you're sitting on.

well now the blow's been softened since we are our own damn coffins.

today is Self-Pity day however.
or maybe my calendar is wrong.
i will celebrate anyways.



i'm not sexy, i'm not that pretty, i don't think i'm that fun. i'm not perfect.

and whenever i try i just fuck it up.

maybe if i just sat there. and didn't do anything. there wouldn't be anything worth noting.
nothing good. but nothing bad.
in a conversation. i'd only listen.
durring a movie. i'd just watch.
in school. i'd do both.
in human interaction i'd just smile slightly.
when someone touched me. i'd be still. or like an action figure.

then. i wouldn't make a mistake.
then maybe, i wouldn't have to worry.
then maybe. the only thing i'd have to think about in these times.
is the things that I made myself feel. or think.
the things that I caused to bring me down.
then when blaming myself. it wouldn't involve other people.
it wouldn't be an incident.
it would be me.
my imagination.
my paranoia.
my lonliness.
but not anything tangible.

i put myself down enough without any outside help.





i beleive it was said something like this.
"why are you so worried about your esteem around me?"
and i didn't know then. not really. i didn't think much of it.
i thought maybe i shouldn't be.
but i care too much.
i care too much about what he thinks of me.
i could care less about most of the rest of the world.
he is probably one of the only people whose opinion i care most.
care absolutely.
and i probably shouldn't take things so seriously.
but when someone like that. says something.
i know they're kidding. but. i think.
maybe it's true. even if they don't know it really is.
and when i do something stupid.
it always comes back to bite me in the ass.
for months at a time.
and it never goes away.
and so i can't try anything.
new or different.
because i'm so afraid i'll be dumb.
and screw it up.
or get myself hurt.

:P physically or otherwise.

some phrases i live by.

it is always my fault.
I am always wrong.
and
"i'm just a sensitive girl"


today sucks.
i'm cold.
i was sick this morning.
pudding is a killer.
so i'm gonna blame it on that.


oh. and those shoes you showed me Blooze, :) kickass!!
i saw those, WORK OF ART.

the girl from mars

you know that feeling.
that feeling thats not that great.
and its because of SOMETHING.
i mean. it HAS to be something right?
right??.. :/

well. what if you tell that feeling. that ur gonna ditch it.
"you suck, im leaving!"
ya. :) :P
switch to neutral!
:P well.
so. you tell yourself to forget about it.
but.
what if you actually forget.
like.
you cant remember.
but. the feeling comes back.
and. you can't remember why you had it in the first place.
and it grows of course
its like yeast in dough.
bigger and bigger.
and then :P
well.
it can't just grow forever. it has to GO somewhere.
and it does.
eventually.
randomly.
:/ unwantedly.
now.
why was this again?



u kno. i think that i think that im more high and mighty than i am :P.
because. i get angry or upset at rly stupid things. but more than that.
im thinking about when it's things that, rly i SHOULD be all gung-ho about XP
i mean, if its okay for me, it should be okay for you.
:P whatever, jus another thought.



i think i'm too impulsive when it comes to shopping. i stop thinking about money :P
so i spend it all on stuff that i dont need XPP.


i probably over-react to everything. i actually get told alot by people that i take things too seriously XPP. but. even tho, like, 5 minutes ago, they were saying how easygoing, or how goofy i was :S.
well. if your going to tell me something. then. i'm probably going to beleive you :S. because i trust you. and so. don't laugh at me when i do take it to heart :/ .
but. some things. i take. and i run with it. i just dont let go. or . i dont let go QUICK enough.
so that sucks.

mouse.

the perfect crime

tis Mouse(trap) here.
jus gonna babble a bit.

today was the first time in awhile (that i noticed) that, well, that i didn't feel like jumping in front of moving traffic. or doing something stupid enough that could seriously injure/kill me. :P today was also sunday. which i spent part of my morning waiting at a bus stop until realizing it wouldn't come XP.
and mann do i have busy week. It's the busiest time of the year, lots of work. Only lasts this week tho. well. and campers going through till the end of summer XP

oh, and i am working on getting a pic of lil ol' mouse up there soon. :) featuring, Grey Matter <3>:)

right. may 08 XP well, i am SO glad that i journeyed to "Over The Hill" at the beginning of this month.
IOU here was in a slump. :/ . that trip really fixed things up :). i saw my sunshine.(who is an ACTUAL dog) i really missed her. And who knew a mouse could play billiards! XD well. this one can't .. but I tried for the first time :) . saw a hylarious movie. but most importantly. i caught up. and i got away for awhile. which is tough. but so much nicer when you go back :) .
XP the first part of my trip was borring. T'was at Anna Faye's for couple days XP it sucked, but other than that it was refreshing.

ANYWAYS. May. well. and June. aherm.
>>
<<>>
<<
that seems pretty bad.
:P need some prozzac or somthing lol
umm.
thats it?

SNAP. mouse(trap).


(TYPOOO :P turns out that may wasnt recorded. so i consider it false. only june :P )