well now the blow's been softened since we are our own damn coffins.

today is Self-Pity day however.
or maybe my calendar is wrong.
i will celebrate anyways.



i'm not sexy, i'm not that pretty, i don't think i'm that fun. i'm not perfect.

and whenever i try i just fuck it up.

maybe if i just sat there. and didn't do anything. there wouldn't be anything worth noting.
nothing good. but nothing bad.
in a conversation. i'd only listen.
durring a movie. i'd just watch.
in school. i'd do both.
in human interaction i'd just smile slightly.
when someone touched me. i'd be still. or like an action figure.

then. i wouldn't make a mistake.
then maybe, i wouldn't have to worry.
then maybe. the only thing i'd have to think about in these times.
is the things that I made myself feel. or think.
the things that I caused to bring me down.
then when blaming myself. it wouldn't involve other people.
it wouldn't be an incident.
it would be me.
my imagination.
my paranoia.
my lonliness.
but not anything tangible.

i put myself down enough without any outside help.





i beleive it was said something like this.
"why are you so worried about your esteem around me?"
and i didn't know then. not really. i didn't think much of it.
i thought maybe i shouldn't be.
but i care too much.
i care too much about what he thinks of me.
i could care less about most of the rest of the world.
he is probably one of the only people whose opinion i care most.
care absolutely.
and i probably shouldn't take things so seriously.
but when someone like that. says something.
i know they're kidding. but. i think.
maybe it's true. even if they don't know it really is.
and when i do something stupid.
it always comes back to bite me in the ass.
for months at a time.
and it never goes away.
and so i can't try anything.
new or different.
because i'm so afraid i'll be dumb.
and screw it up.
or get myself hurt.

:P physically or otherwise.

some phrases i live by.

it is always my fault.
I am always wrong.
and
"i'm just a sensitive girl"


today sucks.
i'm cold.
i was sick this morning.
pudding is a killer.
so i'm gonna blame it on that.


oh. and those shoes you showed me Blooze, :) kickass!!
i saw those, WORK OF ART.

the girl from mars

you know that feeling.
that feeling thats not that great.
and its because of SOMETHING.
i mean. it HAS to be something right?
right??.. :/

well. what if you tell that feeling. that ur gonna ditch it.
"you suck, im leaving!"
ya. :) :P
switch to neutral!
:P well.
so. you tell yourself to forget about it.
but.
what if you actually forget.
like.
you cant remember.
but. the feeling comes back.
and. you can't remember why you had it in the first place.
and it grows of course
its like yeast in dough.
bigger and bigger.
and then :P
well.
it can't just grow forever. it has to GO somewhere.
and it does.
eventually.
randomly.
:/ unwantedly.
now.
why was this again?



u kno. i think that i think that im more high and mighty than i am :P.
because. i get angry or upset at rly stupid things. but more than that.
im thinking about when it's things that, rly i SHOULD be all gung-ho about XP
i mean, if its okay for me, it should be okay for you.
:P whatever, jus another thought.



i think i'm too impulsive when it comes to shopping. i stop thinking about money :P
so i spend it all on stuff that i dont need XPP.


i probably over-react to everything. i actually get told alot by people that i take things too seriously XPP. but. even tho, like, 5 minutes ago, they were saying how easygoing, or how goofy i was :S.
well. if your going to tell me something. then. i'm probably going to beleive you :S. because i trust you. and so. don't laugh at me when i do take it to heart :/ .
but. some things. i take. and i run with it. i just dont let go. or . i dont let go QUICK enough.
so that sucks.

mouse.

This Time, Its the Same Old Story

"seeing you cry makes me feel like saying sorry"

This mouse.
is dramatic
blows things out of proportion
is paranoid
sometimes has depression issues (self-diagnosed XP its mostly self esteem+anxiety)
changes its fur color too much
makes bad choices
will listen
needs a hug sometimes
wants to be told everythings gonna be okay every once in awhile
is trying to be open.
was planning on showing more affection (XP i think it kinda failed so far... )
thinks too much
wants people to be able to open up to mouse.
wants to make everyone happy.

takes forever to get ready XPP
wants to be perfect
probably wears too much makeup.
(i think sometimes i cross the line between radical and slutty XP )
always forgets SOMETHING.
likes lots o pickles olives and mayo on a sub :P
doesnt like the taste of straight white milk XPP
likes crappy bands XD
is a morning person aproximately 1-3 times a month :P
gets cold in movie theatres.
XP heak, is always cold.
fave color is hiding. :P possibly yellow. but probably secretly green.

(-!! IS FLAT FOOTED ON HER LEFT. CREATING A LIMP. !!-)-->> thank you :P

oh hey. :P
you know what. somebody asked me about that .
and for once.
it didnt bother me :) .
and it was the second time i told him.
:) but . it didnt bother me at all. i think it was the pure fact that he asked
:PP well, he asked if it was okay if he asked about it XD .
:P i read this thing awhile ago, about how, like... the best touch this person has felt.
and. this one girl. made this realization. that hers, were all when the guys asked permission first.
made sure it was okay with her. and just, to be given that opportunity made it better.
and i think thats sweet.
:P though. personally. i havent decided :PP
id say %80 percent of the time thatd b true XPP
:P

everything looks perfect from far away