well now the blow's been softened since we are our own damn coffins.

today is Self-Pity day however.
or maybe my calendar is wrong.
i will celebrate anyways.



i'm not sexy, i'm not that pretty, i don't think i'm that fun. i'm not perfect.

and whenever i try i just fuck it up.

maybe if i just sat there. and didn't do anything. there wouldn't be anything worth noting.
nothing good. but nothing bad.
in a conversation. i'd only listen.
durring a movie. i'd just watch.
in school. i'd do both.
in human interaction i'd just smile slightly.
when someone touched me. i'd be still. or like an action figure.

then. i wouldn't make a mistake.
then maybe, i wouldn't have to worry.
then maybe. the only thing i'd have to think about in these times.
is the things that I made myself feel. or think.
the things that I caused to bring me down.
then when blaming myself. it wouldn't involve other people.
it wouldn't be an incident.
it would be me.
my imagination.
my paranoia.
my lonliness.
but not anything tangible.

i put myself down enough without any outside help.





i beleive it was said something like this.
"why are you so worried about your esteem around me?"
and i didn't know then. not really. i didn't think much of it.
i thought maybe i shouldn't be.
but i care too much.
i care too much about what he thinks of me.
i could care less about most of the rest of the world.
he is probably one of the only people whose opinion i care most.
care absolutely.
and i probably shouldn't take things so seriously.
but when someone like that. says something.
i know they're kidding. but. i think.
maybe it's true. even if they don't know it really is.
and when i do something stupid.
it always comes back to bite me in the ass.
for months at a time.
and it never goes away.
and so i can't try anything.
new or different.
because i'm so afraid i'll be dumb.
and screw it up.
or get myself hurt.

:P physically or otherwise.

some phrases i live by.

it is always my fault.
I am always wrong.
and
"i'm just a sensitive girl"


today sucks.
i'm cold.
i was sick this morning.
pudding is a killer.
so i'm gonna blame it on that.


oh. and those shoes you showed me Blooze, :) kickass!!
i saw those, WORK OF ART.

look at the earth. it's just so green. perhapse it's envious of all the galaxies it's seen.

i was just thinking.
i expect so much out of things. and so i always get disappointed.
and so maybe if i started to expect to be disappointed more often.
i would have a better time.

point in case.

i hate birthdays.
i hate my birthdays.
and Christmas too i guess.
for one.
my birthdays always suck.
and i never had good parties.
and i never had alot of friends.

and nobody cares about birthdays.
so i learned not to care about birthdays.
i learned to try and not care about my birthday.
because i hate it.

i hate the holidays.

and i'm probably going to get really depressed around christmas time too.

and it's going to suck.

because it always does.

my family is annoying.

someone died today.

some kid didn't come home from his friends house till an hour late. and it was dark. and we live on the west side. FUN.

and i don't like gifts i prefer gestures .

gestures CAN be objects. but i just think they have more meaning.
sometimes not as much thought. but more meaning.
at least. what i consider a gesture.






gesture

Noun

1. a movement of the hands, head, or body to express or emphasize an idea or emotion

2. An act or a remark made as a formality or as a sign of intention or attitude: sent flowers as a gesture of sympathy.

or in what i'm thinking.
as an attitude of appreciation or generosity.




i think it's different.

and i should go to bed. i have to wake up early.

my mood.
UHG.

-mouse.

when you're living in a dreamworld.

we went to go get some food.
i assume this guy, that girl, him, and her were all there
but there was kaitlin :S
and then cashew and turtle shell.
(cashew is an old friend. whom i don't really talk to often anymore.
XP turtle shell. is a friend of hers. i don't know how close.
but i don't really like her particularly much.)
and of course Grey Matter.

so we wanted some food, so we went to dairy queen.
it was in a weird location though.
so we go to sit down. and the first set of people (whom i didn't ACTUALLY see)
go sit down. and kaitlin sits down at a table next to them. and GM
i think is across from her. or a table down and across. and then on the next
table. it's pretty long. could sit like 6 people
and cashew and turtle shell are relaxing with their feet on the seat.
for some reason i go to sit down at the very end. sorta near cashew against the wall.
and she moves her feet and i say "i can sit somewhere else if you want to put your
feet up?"and she smiles and puts her feet up on the other direction.

and we went to order (surprisingly small line though)
and kaitlyn was ahead of me. a dn she ordered some tariaki thing :P
without sauce with CINNAMON XP so i helped the guy look for cinnamon.
and there was a bit left. but we told her there was none. because he needed it.
and she pouted then turned to her cherry self and sat down.

(i was apparantly going to start work there, at the now "subway." the monitors
for ordering were exactly like mcDonalds except bigger. and kaitlyn ordered
from a kfc menu :S which magically appeared.)
i ordered a poutine and sat down.
(a DAIRY QUEEN item XP)
i was kind of sad. and felt left out.
well..
not even left out. more like.
i didn't belong.

i saw bberdie accross the highway (cuz in my dream it was by a highway)
(he looked exactly how i last saw him in the distance, because apparantly
i just got back like, the day before, and i only spent one day in "over the hill".)

so i was like "heyy! That's berdie!!" and i was happy. because i thought
maybe i would feel better after seeing him. because if i didn't
feel like i belonged there. then maybe i would feel more comfortable and like
i belong hanging with berd. even just for a few minutes. jsut to be reassured.

so i got up and said "hey, i'm gonna go out and say hi to berdie, :), i'll be
back in a few minutes" and grey was the only one that looked like he cared
and was like, "okay -insert nervous/concerned/perfect/iloveyou smile-"

so i ran out, because they were walking, and i had to run accross the highway.
and then XP they went up it. and then crossed at a different part...
i'll show you what it looked like.



^
^
| | |(towards the hill)|
| |
| | | (where i saw berd)
| \____.________
| | _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
| _____________
| | | | restaurant |
| | |_._________|






and so. i ran upwards. and i could hear danroth's voice. and Beaver was there :S
i saw him.
and i assumed then. that they could be high when i meet them.
but i kept running up the highway. and they were accross it in the trees.
but i could hear them.
and it got really steep.
and at the end. i couldnt reach the peak. like i JUST slid right before it.
but. so i sat down. right by there. and i didn't mean to. but i pivoted.
and XP i ended up sitting right on top of the peak.
and i had to get down now. they were heading back.
and as i got down. it was steep both ways behind me.
sorta like a corner of hill around me.
and i hung onto the grass to keep from falling.
:S and i see like. my desk. and my belongings from that square of my room. just sitting there. bye the highway.
at the base of the slope, right beside me.

anyways, i head back. and when we're almost into view of "dairy queen" there are some fences.
and they're back on my side of the road. and Berd's jumping fencess XP and getting over them... but well.
looking pretty dumb. and like he doesn't have alot of motor skills. but is trying to look cool..

so i whistle and call his name to get his attention.
(he's blonde now... XP and he's not wearing a hat. or a shirt :S
he's all sweaty. and . so you know. it wasn't attractive :S it was
kinda gross... just because. he looked really grubby.. i think it was his
eyes.. from being high.)

i was sorta disappointed. because he was high. but he was berd.
and he smiled and laughed. and i did still feel better than the gloom
of the restaurant.

XPP

so we walked into view of the restaurant. and so i reluctantly hugged him XPP
cuz he was sweaty. and smelled bad. because he was high.
and so i went back to the restaurant. and i took longer than i thought.
because i had to chase him. like a dog :S. it was kinda pathetic.
but i still did it.
and so. i get back. and then.
i wake up.
i suppose that they were all done eating.
i suppose that my poutine was sitting cold. on the corner i sat.
and i suppose they stared when i walked in.
and were ready to leave.
i would want to stay though
if they left.
i would want them to leave.
and stay.
i would hope that Grey would stay.
or even that berd would come in.
but. i wouldn't want Grey to stay. for only the fact.
that he wouldn't enjoy himself.
and that i'd be forcing him into my anti-social habits :P

that was a weird dream. :S
and I WAS EXPECTED to work at a dairyqueen/subway/KFC???!! INSANE.
AND THERE WERE POPCORN TOPPINGS IN THAT CUPBOARD WITH THE CINNAMON! XP

everything looks perfect from far away

there is no beautiful garbage, they cleared it up already

i feel like i need a cigar.


i don't think the comforting part about a cigarette. is that it simply calms you down. because of the nicotine and stuff. (proven that i actually makes you more nervous in the long run. XP but like people can believe that.)
i really think.
that it's the act of smoke.
filling your lungs.
ya.
it's s***.
and it's gross.

but when you feel like you can't breathe.
or like. you've gone through something like something that scared you
or shook up your nerves.
even a non-smoker will light one up.

my point is.
its the feeling of tangible substance filling your lungs.
because. when you feel like you can't breathe.
the air seems really invisible.or even when it's like. hot out.
you can't feel the air fill your lungs.
so it's comforting to know that there's something there.
and it's actually doing something.

and that your going to be okay.




(from another post i read. it was beautiful. but it's true. after you cough. or inhale smoke :S, the air. it tastes sweet. and beautiful.)





i don't smoke.
i don't plan on it any time soon.
i don't like this feeling.
i feel better now though.

wanna go to the movies or link arms as we skip down the sidewalk anyone?

no?

... ya. i thought as much.

you're a part time lover and a full time friend

we sure are cute for two ugly people.

[ D A Y O N E : C O N T I N U E D ]

okay so :P upon arriving at the fair. mouse(TRAP)'s PARENTS were sitting on a blue bench waiting beyond the gates XP.
it was weird. because. my parents look funny in contrast. my mom medium sized and native. and my scrawny cowboy dad. :P

anyways, i got popcorn that i didn't want XP we ditched it at the horse place. lol :P
well, that was after. ahem, so we get there, and i chat up about my plans of action that night, and then, Katt and Berd and I can't find the ticket line up :( we didn't know where it was!!.
well XP Quiche beat us to the punch. while i chatted and we scavenged, he was almost at the front of the line. :S i always feel bad when i budge. because. i hate it when people save spots for their friends in line and they're right in front of me..

so we got our wristbands. :P and then Blondie and Gameboy show up XPP JUST when we get ours XD, so we meet them and sit in line again :P,
and miss Pony(TOEZ) comes out of her day job to see us :P she was busy with well... ponies XD all through the fair :P, she had some time so she hung with us for awhile.
okay. now the FIRST RIDE we went on :) (well.. together XP i went on a ride with Pony's brother before that :P) it was AWESOME XD me katt and sam i beleive, we went on it again laterz XD. :P we watched it in the line, and were like, "what the heak? it only drops you once?". see, it's like the Hellevator at the PNE :PP cept... not so high. and. not so long XP. but it was TOTALLY WORTH IT. :D twas awesome. suspence kills you! and it's not tooooo long like some rides XP.

omg XPP mouse and Quiche went on the zipper :( , it was CRAZY XD. okay :P now . i was kind of dumb. and had things in my pockets... so XD we were on there. and :P Quiche is screaming like crazy lol, and my tic-tac's fly out of my pocket and bounced around the ENTIRE time XPP, and MY NEW CELL PHONE! it and it's case unclip from my pocket! it starts bouncing around AND QUICHE CATCHES IT! XD, and so he LOST GRIP!! it lands on the floor! and he WEDGES IT UNDER HIS FOOT. we are flipping :' and i feel something fly off me!!! :(, well, the phone flips to the top again, and quiche catches it again, THEN i grab it :P and i shove it in my shirt so that i know it won't go too far XDD THEN. the ride is basically over..... XD lol. :P it was a blast. then. i realize. my ipod nano. third gen. :( eight gig. :'. it was what flew out. MY TIC-TAC's EVEN MADE IT THOUGH! :( the carny guy found it. it works though. has like, a crack running through thefront and it's eternally on shuffle. until it runs out of songs..... :PP but.. it works :'

oh. either before or after i met sam :P
... well.. sam hung out with us. but mr Roberto and Cornelius showed up too :P but Blondie and them kinda disappeared lots.

(LOLoL! i just got a txt. said "No, your a horrible f***!" LOL :P and because of T9 it said that. and i got another and it's like "er... liar.")

ANYWAYS XD. :P we went to see Pony's pony :P, and Katt doesn't like ponies. and :P Pony chased her wif the pony. and Katt and Berd said sick things. and then Katt called ME the perv >:S
and pony had a show at 330. :P and we wanted to go on rides XP, so we left :PP for awhile. oh. XD and before that. KATT accidentallY STOLE A BALLOON FROM A CHILD XD!!!!
:P Gameboy ended up wif it. gameboy's funny. i never really hung out with him. he's pretty cool.

gameboy lent sam ten bucks so that he could go on rides :P, and THEN XP sam gives his bracelet to a friend :PP lol. silly sam.

(i had a stuffed poodle from my great aunt. :P his name was Sam-boy. lol.)

OH. we went on the spinning strawberries XP, mannn. i love those. those must be right up there with the ferrace wheel. and SAMM!!! XD he THROWS A WATERBOTTLE! INTO THE STRAWBERRY!!! XD WHILE IT"S SPINNING!!!
silly sam.
:P it just kind of flew in. kind of random. XD and when it was over the ride guy was like, "you guys alright?? i wanted to punch that guy!" AHAHAHA!
:) it's good you were with us Sam-boy.

:P we saw these awesome dudes. they were like, old ragtime guys. like, golden age music :P stuff you'd hear in saloons. jazz? ya :PP, it was awesome though. they were great. :) we sat for awhile. got some pics :P. they old. LOL.

IT RAINED SO HARD FOR AWHILE!!!! XP was right after Pony's show. only me and Katt were able to go XPP, Gameboy was disappointed that we weren't going on more rides :P.
PONY GOT FIRST! :P then she got second in the next one!! :) she's very good.

OH. :P we sat in teh bus for awhile. XD and ate mini donuts :P Gameboy bought so many XD LOL. i got a snapshot of him stuffing his face so that i can sit and giggle :) gonna post it on facebook. :)

oh, i gots Katt a Katt In The Hatt hat. :) it's awesome :P loloL! don't even know if she still has it XD, i basically just payed for it :P since i didn't get ANY of the darts in :S neither did Berd..

i MUST note. that. "SAM IS A PERV" because. he is. and he was showing off that fact >:( just because he LIKED being called that ):<

:) mouse and Katt got face painted as a mouse and a cat. :) :P mice have triangle noses and cat's have circle noses XP DUHHH :P nobody seemed to REALIZE that. can't make EVERYONE see when you let down your façade. i GUESS NOT. :P

saw DERBY. :P daphne loves derby. but not that fa(mouse)..... :P he buds wif sam. :P LOL we accidentally ditched him :P he said he'd be right back... and.. we kinda left XD lol, oh well we found them later :P(his brother and this chick with blue hair... it suited her :), she was pretty cool :PP, i guess. :P she was nice).

well. we missed the PG idol XD LOLOL :P that woulda been funny. i saw the commercial XD AHAHAHAHA. :P
and there was a cool ABBA cover band we passed :P they were RLY good from what I saw.

LC34 didn't play on the day we were there :P they decided to pick two nights with really good times instead of all of them with crappy ones XP oh well.

well LOTS HAPPENED.

last ride was teh ferrace wheel :)
mouse and Quiche
and Berd and Gameboy went :)
i love the ferrace wheel :P
took a bunch of pointless pics XD :P
and my MOTHER was down there :PP
yellow and all.
so XP
my time was up.
and SAMBOY! in GLASSES :P lol he funny.
silly sam.
so i hugged and goodbye'd
XP and just when we thought we got away with the whole day wifout her.
theres this miss _______ that came up and hugged me XP.
she's biking up to my villiage.
XP
and she's doing bad things. with fromented apples ...
and i don't like her.
and so. i'm going to try and get a job before then :P LOL.
it's bad. but. :/ i like to be as honest as i can without hurting someones feelings.


other than the last part.

:P hell, even with that last part.



:D that day was pretty radical.

:) -mouse at the fair. 2008-08-09

everything looks perfect from far away

see next blog for day at fair. :P this be book talk 'round 'ere

i am in a pretty good mood.
for once i am so glad to be in this room.
usually this isn't my favorite place, more like my only place.

i just finished another annoying book that got passed off to me by Anna Faye.
I think that i started to go into it. but i forgot halfway. well. this series. i just finished it. it at least caught my attention for that long. and got me up till two thirty in the morning. so i can't call it horrible. and i found that as i got through the book it got less and less annoying. XD and it got more and MORE annoying for A.F. though.
i made a point on my writings to talk about this.
well. by about 3/4 of the way through this series. and hell. mostly through the rest. i felt a likeness to the protagonist. but in a bad way. because i had always thought her as pathetic, needy, and of course, a stupid klutz. and what was worse. I didn't just feel a LIKENESS. but i felt that she was yet better. I felt envious to her self-control. and some situations she handled that I feel I would make more of a deal out of than necessary.
well. towards the end of the last book. I kind of stopped thinking like that. because. well the whole story changed XP the author did some weird stuff. and so. I ended up admiring her. and. I guess really relating to some stuff. well.. in a better way than before. ANYWAYS.
book was stupid.
made me feel good.
made me feel bad.
made me cry :S ONCE. for like TWO SECONDS.
<<
>>
.........
it was still dumb.
so. i'm not going to refer it to anyone.
caz it sux majorz.

GROW /-up-/

mouse came to write on zee blogzz here.
but. u know. good ole auto sign in. and i had a message.
now mouse is being a freak.
it was such a sweet thing to come home to. and now i can't keep my focus.
mouse has to leave the comp for a bit.
(million yearz later. after mouse is focuzed. ...
... okay. billion yearz.)

okay. well. my day just turned from shit to rainbows.
and now that kind of makes it hard to recount my days.

well. i will start off with the beginning. then skip some :P and come back to it. cuz let's leave on a happy note.

well. this day was the ninth of august 2008, and mouse had to walk to the bus depo.
(there's really nothing else to call it.)
there was a young man drinking what i believe to be orange juice. people in this town are generally nice. with generally good intentions. so it pleased me when he said good morning. and i back at him. because. sometimes it's nice to know that the world doesn't hate everyone so much as to be rude.
the night before i had almost four hours of sleep, which helped me wake up for my crisp walk. it was nice. foggy. but kind of like a dream. alone. but not lonely.
well.. cept for that guy on the bike. :S what the hell WAS he doing at six in the morning riding around town??? ... ANYWAYS.
took the bus to "over the hill". and. T O B E C O N T I N U E D lol.

i made NOTES :PP .
that night. (cuz i'll talk about the good day later.)

ahem. [ D A Y O N E ]
(setting. father(TRAP)'s house. mother(TRAP)&mouse(TRAP) visiting.)
" i'm right back where i started.
in a trailer.
he gets drunk.
they fight. (about the stupidest things.)
... i'm waiting for the part where she cries..
and also. i can't really hide in my room.. 'cuz that doesn't exist here."
"went to bed early. exhausted. tired. alone. bored.
.. no service sucks.."


[ D A Y T W O ]
(setting. same as day one.)
"not quite alone.. last night i had my cuddle buddy Newt. he cheers me up with his smile.
when my mom told me that the place was closed on Sundays, I realized that I could have went to Pony's.
I almost didn't leave the bed today. after I ate, it was too cold to stay in the company of them . as a unit they shouldn't be mentioned. They fail horribly. and I think it's sad how they pretend their marriage still exists. It's only a piece of paper still saying so.
It's hard to stay in bed all day. but it's about 3:15 pm. not long before I can come back for sleep at night. maybe i'll take a shower. that'll use up my 2 hours."
.... and then. mouse was a freak that night. BUG ON COMP.. ew. XD. sry. :P ,
well, i wrote alot that night. and now mouse is mad at self for being dumb. :P mice arent that smart. that's why they're common in labs. no one cares about... NVM.
well anyways. mouse droned on about stupid stuff that doesn't matter anymore. and then worked herself up. and was sad. cuz her cuddle buddy didn't come that night.
well..
" (lalalalalalaalalala)... ends 11:15 pm.
okay I lied., like, a half hour later (from that time). Newt finally came to see me."

[ D A Y T H R E E ]
(setting. the same. morning. leaving soon.)
" so far. i feel better. more neutral.
I just am excited to leave. but. not excited at where i'm headed.
upside.
I probably won't -beep- again till i'm gone."(XD everyone who reads that beep will take it the wrong way.)


okay. and for days. that's all i wrote down. but other things i noted on my way out.
kay... ninth is day one. tenth.. eleventh.
okay. so the eleventh, twelfth, and thirteenth.... :/ and fourteenth.
i spent at Anna Faye's .
she always gets me to read stupid books. that i don't really want to read 19 times out of 20. and I always come back with about half the books completely untouched. and worst. if i DO read the book. it's usually part of a series. usually a LONG series.
well anyways. this time. it was a book that I actually no longer MINDED reading. but. i mean. i didn't really love the book. and it's hard. because. she kept asking me my critique on every. single. LITTLE. aspect. and scenarios. and who vs. who.
and then her OWN stories that she writes. which aren't half bad. but they're like the book she READS.. so i'm not totally into it. and then. it's a rerun with the questions. even though i don't know anything. and BASICALLY. its. exasperating. and quite. annoying.

i. have. become. a .. stickler for higene. it's just something i've developed. because. i feel gross when I don't shower for one day. because my hairs get really greasy really fast. and so does my skin. and i'm prone to getting dirty. because. :P i have no balance. and i know that i'll be able to clean up later.
well. at the Faye house. it's not the same. they live out of town. and their water is from a creek with water so filled with iron that it runs the color of rust... not safe to drink. and they run on solar panel's and a power plant. and it is a farm. and they don't say it. but they are poor. i believe it's their fault. but i still feel kind of bad. and .
now. i had a shower on the eleventh. but i haven't had a good shower since then. till.. maybe.. half hour from now? HOLY COW IT'S BEEN AN HOUR WRITING THIS!. kay well... maybe late LATE tonight i'll get my shower XP even though it's only nine. but. it's been three days since a decent shower.well.. three and a half since it was early morning. and the closest thing i had was two days ago when i was able to wash my hair. that is why i hate staying at the farm. it is hard to bath there. because they run on a weird schedule because they are lazy and watch tv. harsh. but true. my nose has been burning and itching since before i got inside their house. her mother smokes. and i find it to smell like shit. i will wash all my clothes tonight. even if they are clean. and the dogs are eating meat from god knows where. and licking you. and lying on the carpet. that hasn't been vacuumed since they had Anna's B-day. wich was like a month ago. at least i'm assuming. and we all know what assuming does... but i'd bet on it.
her mother is a smoker. gets those big cartons of nicotine and tubes. and then has this thing so put it in the tube. :P i don't know what it's called. so she basically rolls them herself. i guess they save money that way.
[mom just came in.. " so you getting caught up with everybody?" .... me, " kind of." lol if this counts as everybody? XD ]
but anyways.
another thing.. i must say. i MIGHT have been the only one washing their hands EVERY time they go to the washroom.. and THEN SOME. and i probably was the only one brushing their teeth too. because. A.F. got a new toothbrush on the day i got there. it hadn't moved from the spot it had been for the time i was there. and the toothbrush i used (because i accidentally left that at father(TRAP)'s) was one of her old ones that i cringed at because there was no hot water to wash off anything.) and i think i might have been the closest one out of me and her to have a shower. and she was the one going to tutoring. i just. i have a problem with that. because. she was technically ABLE to do that. i didn't really have a choice with my bathing. she wouldn't have been nervous to demand the power plant to go on at night. or optimize timings.
right. and i finished one book of the series i didn't mind, but then i started another. XP they're LONG books. ug. my eyes started to hurt on the bus ride home. that's all i've done for the past three days except play video games and watch t.v.
the one night. she didn't interupt too much. even though she was so BUSY reading HER OWN BOOk. of the same series XPP, she still had TONS of time to chat. and ask lots of questions. that wasn't so bad. because. for a couple hours she DID shut up. but the next night. AND DAY. she chattered so much. as SOON as i agreed that i would stay one more day. i swear. it made me want to not come back.
i certainly didn't eat the way i wanted to. or how much. or how often. or what. because. i'm a big eater. and she's a small eater. and i eat more times a day than probably alot of people even. (i heard it was good for your metabolism. like. more small meals than just fewer big meals. and it's true. but it just kind of stuck.) so. two waffles at like 10am. and then nothing cept a blizzard that contained wayy too much sugar for my system to handle around 4. then dinner at 5:30. that was annoying.
and. where we went to dinner one night. well. we were invited by relatives to join them at the salvation army for dinner. and it felt weird. i wore my sunglasses in. and i felt like a jerk. because. we didn't NEED to be there. well. maybe more than i would think. but. i know that I didn't. i'm not trying to sound all high and mighty. but. i felt bad. like i was freeloading off of the charity of others. and it was true. those relatives contributed to the church and stuff. but. we didn't. i'm not even that religious. and.... the food wasnt the best i've had. but i wasn't in much the mood for chicken and yellow rice that night.

another point i wrote down. was. about one night. well. every night actually.
when are you too old for dessert... never.
when are you too old to ask your parents for dessert...
more-so.
when are you too old to ask your parents if you can have cookies and milk for dessert.
when am I old enough to make my own decisions.
... i dont like white milk.
i don't always prefer cookies.
and. i don't want my popcorn portioned for me thanks. i'd rather have the cookies then mang.
i thought all of this the other night when Anna Faye went to the living room (and i heard through the paper-thin walls) and asked, " mummy? can me and mouse have some milk and cookies for dessert?" ... i had a deja-vu moment. for the second time on this trip. i remembered her probably phrasing it the exact same way... only when we were like. ten. and even then i think i might have thought it was kind of dumb. (XD didn't mean to confuse anyone.) the point is. we both grew at different speeds. considerably. even though i AM a year older. i didn't mean it like that. we are just. really different. and that might have been a reason we were friends when we were 3. maybe it was a reason i stayed friends with her when i was 6. and 11. and so on. but. we just headed down different paths. but i have to be the one that keeps backtracking to come see her.
maybe i want us to be in different places.
i want to grow up.
this was another point.
because. i don't want to GROW UP.
i want to

grow up

i just. feel uncomfortable around them. i don't trust her. and i don't approve of how her lifestyle is. i accept it. but. i no longer feel compatable.
i feel horrible.
for lying to someone for so long. trying to make the relationship work. when i don't want it to . because i pity her. i feel bad for her. she's had rough times. and it would kill her if i left.

and i left today. and i was happy. i didn't care that once again i had to ride home on the bus looking like i was a homeless grubby. i didn't care that i smelled like shit. i just wanted to leave. so i put on a smile. which i WAS happy. but for the wrong reasons. hugged her goodbye and left. :/ .

we had a few pitstops. but. those are borring.




back to the good part.





[ D A Y O N E : C O N T I N U E D ]

:) i found a Berdie.
):< a GOOD Berdie. that wasn't being a BERD. >:)
i missed sir Berdie. he meeted me at the bus stop. :/ sad. cuz Grey Matter couldn't come. and i know he wanted to meet Berd. but. i think I wanted him to meet Berd more :P.
anyways XP it's like an hour and a half walk from his house there. so i tried to talk him out of it the night before. but :P he got his grandpa to drive him. so it turned out good. :S it'd be weird waiting alone for .... 4 hours :P while everyone else was waking up. and just heading over to the EVENTT. >:). so. me and mr. "B" -nudge nudge sunny(D). :D -
we chatted lots. :) twas nice to joke around and catch up. never really have lots of quality time with the Berdie. told me bout what he did. which was BAD!! XP STEALING a waveboard. :P well.. i think they're cool. and it was hard not to laugh. so. upon leaving, we were talking food. cuz we hungry XD. u kno :P mcdonalds, and stuff. we never DID go to that little coffee shop with those amazing cakes. :P we walked right by. silly Berd. instead, he was on his way to the bank, so we went to Tim Horts. it's a nice little donut shop. you should try it. :P i secretly (well not so secretly so i voiced it later...) wanted to buy a twelve pack of the big donuts... instead of my measly ten pack of bits. :( and i wanted the glazed brown ones not the plain ones. i should've looked at the sign more carefully. :'
and i gotz OJ and a BGLLLL :) i likes bagelzz. and i freaked out when they only put the cream cheese on one side XPP, because, i always thought it was on both. but.. ahem.. the heat melts it to both of them.. and i felt silly. ( okay. i know. WAYYY too much detail XD but it's going to continue. i want to get back into my good mood.) we went to a nearby bus stop to eat. lol! a bus stopped ( i SO called it) and asked if we were going to go on. and i think he said "look scary!" XD so he like lowered his tooque (how the hell you spell it.) and i put on my shades. but i couldnt stop laughing. and the bus drove by. and i really wished i had a picture. because. it looked cool. the way we were reflected. and we looked radical XD eating tim hortons and hogging the bench. total kodac moment. DA material. then.. we went to the mall? ya.. no wait. :p we went to ... umm... the bank! XD
he could only take twenty out at a time XP it was dumbbb.
and we went to sears. for a camera memory card. but XP that kind was discontinued. so we like. walked across the mall to get to the source XD, :P cuz it moved. and we forgoted. and it was there XP right. i bought batteries that morning too. XP and GUESS WHAT. they had like, a free batterie pack with purchase! i said no at first. because. i'm like. i dont wanna buy more batteries. but then i found out it was FREE. and i was like, HEAK YES! and.. :/ i didnt... :' i didn't get my batteries.
hmm. what else.
we went to electron. :P Berd needed to buy a new pedal. he wanted a distortion one. the guy said that for his " modern rock " sound, he should try the metal core. :P sounded better. XP LOL we couldnt set it up XD it was so easy, but this amp was weird XPP, we had to get "assistance" LOL. and of course i embarassed myself when he asked B if he would like a chair and me on the floor saying " no thats okay i'm fine" . :PP
XP ACCORDING TO SOME BERD. AND SOME KATT. old man was hitting on my at one point. but ahem... i'd bet it was closer to hitting on Berd than ANYONE. :PP think he thought i was Berd's girl. lol, :P what a senile old man. :O i think he was making INNUENDO! >:[ now he's just rude. sorry. i just made a new conclusions :S he was saying weird things. and i just smiled politely.. and looked at buttons. and sat on a floor.... that yellow strap was kind of cool... cept it had words.
OFF TRACK.
ANYWAYS. punch line, Berd decided metal core sounded better :P lol, so he went to buy it XP and his card declined! he had the money. but he couldn't access it because his account is stupid. XD he'd have to withdraw money for a week before he could pay for it :PP. twenty at a time. because. technically he can withdraw 25 a day. but. ahem. YOU KNOW.

right LOl and by electron, on our way XD i'm surprised it didn't happen sooner, :P but we ran into one of the MOST RECENT ex-gf's of his. :P they were polite. maybe stoned. :S cuz they obviously were the kind that would be all cheery to him then make comments when they were out of earshot. XP
:P and Berd. and his MIND. and him needing to TELL ME THINGS. like. aherm. getting the whim of an idea to do something. just like it was like saying " hey, we should go to starbucks and get frapps!" .. which we did. :) strawberry. :( orange is discontinued :'
he had chai. it was good :/ i should have it next time. or maybe i'll try green tea....
BACK TO IT. XP mr Berd and him going " hey, i should kiss ___! :) she wouldn't mind. she'd be cool with it." sometimes. mouse isn't the only freak :S XD lol. it was kind of funny. how he sounded almost child-like. and also :PP how it worked out. oh well. weird things.
found a pocket knife.... slash shaver XD LOL, you know, those old fashioned ones. :P i have it. Berd put it in mah bag and i forgotted to give it back to him before i left XP.
after the call of nature-all stonesssssssssss-coffeehouse. we started walking to the EVENT. :P miss sunshine blooze said that if they saw us walking on the road they would stop and pick us up. and XD we got picked up :P
my mother told me not to roll with strangers yo.

OWCH! XD do sneezes ever hurt YOUR pelvis? XPP mine did. i just did a giant convultion.

anyways. mr. ... what shall we call him. mr. G-STEAM. ??? i'll work on it. and have to remember to edit it if it changes. was in his facade of mr. big and mighty. :P for some reason. i still think he's soft on the inside. just like everyone else. he just acts tough. he knows how to love. :) he seems like a good big brother to sunny Daize. and her other big brother (not by tooo much, like a year) mr, quiche :), he's just so happy :) smiles lots. makes the atmosphere really relaxed :).
anyways, mr G ( LOL!) dropped all us'n's off at LE FAIR!! :) twas going to be a good day. lol mr G is a funny guy. always so angry :PP. he's silly.
but. XD i have been writing this for like. two and a half hours. everyone is going to be dead when they finished. and that is IF they ever finish. :P

i would like to thank you for taking all time for those of you who read it ALL. all my boring, detailed, angry, sad, happy, stupid life happenings of the last few days. :P
i must say i'm proud of the surviors. because. :P the happenings AT the fair, will be for tomorrow XP, because i've been typing for a long time :( and i don't even know if i have enogh time... OR ENERGY for a shower. so i'm gonna make my bed and sleep in it... and make it stinky XPP.

to be continued LOL.

everything looks perfect from far away

everything looks perfect from far away

i think i'm PARanoiddd

i think i might scrap the fairy tales for now.

he said "I've always been a dick! You never really cared till now" .
ouch. you're not just that. you are wonderful. you care. you have fascinating opinions. you're funny. you can be modest. and i love you. but it always hurt me when people said things. i just. want to be more honest. and open. and i don't even know if that's the problem.
i love him so much. but i'm scared my dramatics might push him away.
i'm scared my tendancy to want to know his every move, and every past movement might push him away. i mean. i tell him EVERYTHING. it's just kind of weird i don't get the same opportunity of knowledge. well. i think there's one secret left. but that's it. and :P it's just embarassing. and i didn't like the last reaction i got. because i take it seriously.
i take everything TOO seriously apparantly. that kind of hurts to hear sometimes. because, i'm. i dont know. it just does. and so does so much.

i feel like peach sometimes.
i bruise easy.
in more ways than one.
i was like, happier than ever two days ago. and now i feel like shit. i think i just have some issues. u kno.. up there.
i swing sometimes.
cept, the wonder of flying kind of, wore off after a bit.
and for some reason, i jump off at the peak. and i bruise my knees.
haven't done that in awhile though. so it seems to hurt more than i remember.

I wonder if it could be called an episode? yes??

using this blog. even if people don't read it. it really helps me just, talk to people. without having to talk to anyone. i'm still able to say anything. hopefully without too much consequence XP, then again...

he's going on vacation.
two weeks i believe.
if he reads this. even if he doesn't.
i'm really going to miss him.

... maybe that's all this really was .
cuz, ya i'm a "sensitive whoaaaMAN".
but. that might not have been it.
maybe i'm just sad he's leaving.
maybe i'm just going to miss him

rly. i think thats all it is.


.. mouse is a freak :S
:PP
(don't know why i'm publishing this. i changed my entire mood and mind like, half way through XPP)

the girl from mars

you know that feeling.
that feeling thats not that great.
and its because of SOMETHING.
i mean. it HAS to be something right?
right??.. :/

well. what if you tell that feeling. that ur gonna ditch it.
"you suck, im leaving!"
ya. :) :P
switch to neutral!
:P well.
so. you tell yourself to forget about it.
but.
what if you actually forget.
like.
you cant remember.
but. the feeling comes back.
and. you can't remember why you had it in the first place.
and it grows of course
its like yeast in dough.
bigger and bigger.
and then :P
well.
it can't just grow forever. it has to GO somewhere.
and it does.
eventually.
randomly.
:/ unwantedly.
now.
why was this again?



u kno. i think that i think that im more high and mighty than i am :P.
because. i get angry or upset at rly stupid things. but more than that.
im thinking about when it's things that, rly i SHOULD be all gung-ho about XP
i mean, if its okay for me, it should be okay for you.
:P whatever, jus another thought.



i think i'm too impulsive when it comes to shopping. i stop thinking about money :P
so i spend it all on stuff that i dont need XPP.


i probably over-react to everything. i actually get told alot by people that i take things too seriously XPP. but. even tho, like, 5 minutes ago, they were saying how easygoing, or how goofy i was :S.
well. if your going to tell me something. then. i'm probably going to beleive you :S. because i trust you. and so. don't laugh at me when i do take it to heart :/ .
but. some things. i take. and i run with it. i just dont let go. or . i dont let go QUICK enough.
so that sucks.

mouse.