another has been found, another ocean on the planet, given that our blood is just like the atlantic

there is a mouse. and this was yesterday.

well. lately. i have been getting a little down again.
i went a wholeeee week. :P
but i haven't really gone off the handle yet.
i'm trying this time.
i'm too busy to be doing things like that.
i looked up stuff.

positive thinking/telling myself positive things.
that didn't really work.
:S
XP

exercise.
-cough- well. if i'm really cold and can't move.
and my legs are killing me.
>> that's not always gonna work.
plus i'm lazy.
FAIL.

spending time with people.
well.
everyone seems busy.
maybe i need to try harder. :P


on this day. i woke up and watched two episodes of south park.
Berdie texted. :) he doesn't not like me. that's nice. :)

school kinda sucked. XP it was cold.
but all we had to do in ICT was play video games.
cuz we were done the stupid gif animations XP
I thought this was a grade eleven course??

at lunch i watched I.W. (band grey, pete, and _____ are in)
grey got his pedal the other day :)
he was so excited and happy :)
it was lovely. :) i love seeing him so happy.
XD it was like Christmas for him.
they were good. they've decided not to keep looking for singers.
because no matter what.
the singer won't feel part of the band.
or share the same ideas.
and also XP they can't find someone
that can actually sing.
at least not with their style.
so they are singing.
together.
and they learned the blitzkreg bop :P
I love that song XD
and their learning breed(nirvana)
and i think i few others.
:P i like their songs they've made.
they don't have lyrics.
but i think they sound awesome.

mr.B. apple's bf.(for now.. :S it's complicated XD)
XP he always rags on everyone. like.
he sounds serious but he's kidding usually.
but when he is serious even. it's kinda rude.
i unno.
he kept saying to turn down the bass.
i thought it sounded worse with the bass turned down XP
everything drowned it out.
>> I like the bass high.
cuz in the songs they play.
the bass is more dynamic usually.
so i like to hear the difference.
and how it comes together.
also his new pedal sounds sweet :P

apple is havin problems. XP it's effed.like. weird.

after school grey asked if i wanted to go to a movie.
the nick and norah's infinite playlist.
then he got told it was more of a chick flick.
so he was like
uhhhh. nevermind.
we'll see.
i unno.
ya i was kinda disappointed when said he didn't want to.
i mean. that movie wasn't playing. but two other sucky ones were.
and i just don't like going home.
but i also just like spending time with him.
so my plan was to freeze my ass off for two hours.
then maybe go see a movie anyways.
or go eat.
and get a taxi home.>>

i unno. he just didn't feel like going downtown.
:S but i didn't care where.
i just wanted to spend time with him.
even if it was at a crappy movie.
we could talk all through it?
i don't care. oro get something to eat.
but he likes his home more than i do..>>

i was all weird. and sitting on a bench across the street from Dairy Queen.
people stare at the yellow pants.
XP native guy said some comment.
that's why i chose that bench.
away from everyone.

i was just about to text grey.
and tell him that i kinda wanted him to come.
because it's not about what we do.
i just want to spend time with him.
and that, it sucks that he's not gonna spend time with me
or hang out. just because the movie isn't that great.
it's about being together. and it kinda made me feel
like he just didn't want to hang out.

XP but THEN before i even got past the first sentence.
he texted ME.
and asked if i wanted to come over. and bring a movie or something.

XP it made me happy to hear.
but i feel bad. because it's like
i guilted him into hangin out with me.
just cuz i'm all sad.
and he knows it.

XP so i didn't show alot of excitement.
cuz. i was too busy being guilty.

anyways. we went to movie gallery.
and we had a tough time choosing movies.
cuz.
i unno.
XP he doesn't wanna see a chick flick obv.
cuz he didn't wanna go to that other movie.
and he doesn't want a horror. cuz we looked at one
and he was like.
"no, i'm gonna save the horrors for halloween"
and i'm like "well how many movies do you think we'll watch?"
and he's like "probably like, one."
-cough-
well..>> this blog isn't about halloween. so i won't go on about that.

so i unno. i didn't really wanna choose something.
and now that i think of it XP
eternal sunshine of the spotless mind is kinda a chick flik XP
so. >> he asked me if I wanted to watch that.
and i felt dumb. and i said (which i honestly felt)
that it's kinda pointless to rent it.
when i have it downloaded and on a memory stick
at home XP
why waste the money?
i did see a couple movies that looked interesting.
but.>>
he's not as much of a beetles fan.
and i'm a chick.
like.
i saw something called
the assasination of john lennon.
i think it was called that.
and under it said
"i was a nobody, until i killed the biggest somebody in the world"
or something..>> XD
and thsi one called "2:47" i think.
and i think a coupl eothers looked good.
but i'm me.
and i just want him to be happy and enjoy the movie.

we got superbad.
and Big Fish.

we went to pick his sister up from the college.
cuz it's late enough.
and grey commented on how i was sad.
and he asked if it was because he didn't want to go downtown
and at that time not really.
but i contemplated telling him how i felt about it.
i can't remember if i did at one point.

after the college.
i got happier. i unno why.
:P i'm just like that.
XD he drove the jeep to the entrance :P
even though he wasn't supposed to.
and he phoned his mom to see what was taking so long
and she was like "i'm just STANDING here"
and there was laughter in the background. :P
and he wanted to ditch and drive up to mcDonalds.
and when she called. he'd be like "i'm just DRIVING"
and hang up. :P
anyways. they came up.
and he was gonna drive up a bit.,
but then there was this other car.
so he thought he might hit it XP
and was like ""SHIT"
and then it turned.
and he did it.
and then we all went to our seats.
his mother driving.

we went to mcDonalds after.
XD :P i used 12 of my dollar cupons.
-cough-... i coulda done a better job..>>
they bagged my food weird.
and my cinnamon melt had icing everywhere :'

>> the food was kinda gross.
i usually like it.
but.
it got cold.
and then you notice how bad it is XP
wel..>> it was kinda warm.
and i did like my snack wrap.
and i kinda liked my cinnamon melt.
XP but the burrito's and fries were sick XP

i threw most of it out.>>
and GM threw like, half of his out too surprisingly.
even he thought it was bad :P


we weren't able to finish either movie XP
the bass on his subwoofer. or whatever. :P
it was like. XP traveling through the house.
and we couldn't turn it off.
he was like "i'm gonna get bitched at"
and his mom came in once.
and we tried a couple things.
so we switched superbad with big fish.
that was pretty good as far as i saw it.
still bassey XP
and his mom waslike
"the taxi's leaving!!"
like..>> she is.
and i had to gooo.
i hate leaving.
if only i could stay foreverzz. :P
overall.
the night ended well.
i really wanted to go out that night.
and i had a great time.


reminding you we used to be three and not two,
and that's how the world began.
and that's how, the world will end.

if you don't like the movie then quit acting

only you have the recipe for your own happiness.

a famous quote.
cuz i say it's famous.
a good friend told me this.

it made me happy.
it made me feel confident and proud.
it made me feel like everything would be okay.

but then.
what if you don't have the ingredients?
what if someone forgot to pick up the eggs?
(to this bacon)

i was happy and proud.
that day was supposed to be "a perfect day" :)
:S then i got detentions. TWO. because of a misconception and rediculusness.
and probably some other things.
but that was most prominent.
just. that smile faded away.
and this new ugly face took it's place.
just. that was supposed to be a good day.
and how, he has the AUTHORITY to do that.
to just take it all away.
anything he wants.
just.
makes you feel helpless.

hanging on for hope?
when it's just to hard to cope the road out?

i have hope.
i hope i have hope.
sometimes i feel like there's none.
but then i find it.
a flake.
that's slowly melting.
even though the ground grows colder.

i just want to be happy.
like. not for just a few hours.
or minutes.
but days?
please?
it's not even big problems.
it's just too many little things to cope with.
i'm so stressed out.
and scared.
i'm scared...


the perfect day.
being taken from me.
maybe by myself in reality.
but still, being taken from me.
hasn't just happened once.
i think three or so times.
i told myself.
how i was going to be better.
how i was going to try harder.
how i was going to be happy.
because i would start making the things i wanted happen.

but then something happened. or i heard some comment.
and so.. XP it's a work in progress.

by the time i'm old enough for family and teachers to stop telling me
 how to live
how to breath,
it'll be a new game.
and that dye i wanted?
that external harddrive?
that xbox?
that trip?
that will now be controlled by bills. and debt.
and work.
and things will get pushed aside.

i've been thinking about the future alot lately.
but not at all at the same time.
i just feel helpless.
and like my life is over after it's hardly begun.
i feel like i'm in my dying days.
but i can't just be happy.
and smile and make it the best.
and i want to.
and i'll keep trying.

people like it when you smile.
in general. people like when people smile.
people like when people are happy.
people like when they don't have to deal with you.
but i understand.
it gets repetitive.
and annoying.
i suppose.

i miss just lying in the grass.
just staring.
and just it feeling like home.
but i moved away from that home too.
this year. i can't lie in that spot. and feel the same peace,
the same welcoming as i did the summer before.

some days i want to chuck my computer out my window.
then i won't feel disappointed when i sit here for hours.
not doing a thing.
and making myself invisible.
but still expecting someone to just say to me
"hey?" and for them to tell me all their problems.
to tell me all their secrets.
not just trivial stuff to make small talk.
and i could help them.
and i could listen to them.
i was really good at that.
i might still be.
and i'd feel accomplished knowing that,
i helped.
i made a difference.

maybe i'd forget about myself again?
i'd be more self-sacrificing.
with all my complaining.
and all my whining.
and all my crying.
i feel just. pitiful.
it's sad :S
and it's selfish.
i feel very selfish.
it's dumb.
and i used to be more quiet.
but now that i voice my opinions.
i also complain alot more.
:S
ALOT.

i hate being pissed off. it's not like me at all.
I hate it.


selfish.




oh mr. pitiful, who let you down. who let you down?
you still don't believe, and you're grievances show.
...
please come down from that cloud you're sitting on.

i look at pictures of myself as a small child

this morning i woke up.
and i felt really guilty.
because i said some things the night before
that would probably be better left alone.

and i woke up. and i was sick for one.. minus one point.

and after i felt guilty.
i came to a disappointing realization.

i think i only have two years to live.
three years tops.

i don't really mean ilterally. though maybe.
but also figuratively.

i don't have a dream.
i don't have direction.
and i started too late on so many things.
why couldn't i have gotten a guitar when i asked through now to 10 YEARS ago?
why did i decide to go into certain classes NOW.
i'm a senior.
and after highschool.
i don't know if i'll have anything left.

i used to want to be a graphic designer.
or a struggling artist down in a big city.
working as a waitress to pay rent,
and buy food.

but i don't draw as much as i used to.
and i hardly know the basics of design.
except a bit of flash.

i get frustrated or uninterested in things after awhile.
and what used to be my passion.
or my direction is more like it.
is now something i hardly touch base with.
kinda like people in my life.

i don't want to be struggling all my life.
i don't want to work hard at something i hate
and have no time for things that i love.
for people i love.

i've been pissing around with a guitar for about ten months.
and i'm nowhere.
something i could have done in two or three.
i need lessons.
and i tried.
but it just failed.
and i started thinking.
after highschool.
what if i want to be in a band?
work on projects?
and just.
everything would be so much harder.
this is the time that people start those sorts of things.

this is what i think will happen after graduation.
it might start slow.
but.
everyone will get full time jobs.
people will move away.
people will lose touch.

i think i'm afraid of being alone.
of having nobody.
not like in the sort of community that surrounds a school.

i'll probably try and have a buch of fun.
with the people that choose to waste their life away
or the people that stay for the summer.
i'll probably drink and party.
maybe become an alchaholic.
pretend that everything will last forever.
enjoy the life of living at home.
and not going to school.
until september.
and then.
everyone will start their life.
and i won't know what to do.
and i'll be too lazy, and unmotivated to
WANT to do anything.

i'll end up working at a dead end job for years.
and then realize.
i wasted too much time.



maybe i'll pull an Elliott Smith??
maybe i'm wrong and everything will be okay?




after i thought about all this.
i decided.
if i only have three years.
i may as well make them damn good ones.

i put on my smile for the day.
and i already felt a bit better. :)


ahem... then i realized i had french first.
and that i had a detention.
and laundry.
and that i'm sick.
and that i have no plans or money.
so i'm stuck at home.
with family.
and a sleeping mother all weekend.
oh. and that womanly thing.
you know.

..i hate women. they suck.
acidddddd XPP yuckk


kill me now. -rolls eyes-

all control is now spiraling

well now the blow's been softened since we are our own damn coffins.

today is Self-Pity day however.
or maybe my calendar is wrong.
i will celebrate anyways.



i'm not sexy, i'm not that pretty, i don't think i'm that fun. i'm not perfect.

and whenever i try i just fuck it up.

maybe if i just sat there. and didn't do anything. there wouldn't be anything worth noting.
nothing good. but nothing bad.
in a conversation. i'd only listen.
durring a movie. i'd just watch.
in school. i'd do both.
in human interaction i'd just smile slightly.
when someone touched me. i'd be still. or like an action figure.

then. i wouldn't make a mistake.
then maybe, i wouldn't have to worry.
then maybe. the only thing i'd have to think about in these times.
is the things that I made myself feel. or think.
the things that I caused to bring me down.
then when blaming myself. it wouldn't involve other people.
it wouldn't be an incident.
it would be me.
my imagination.
my paranoia.
my lonliness.
but not anything tangible.

i put myself down enough without any outside help.





i beleive it was said something like this.
"why are you so worried about your esteem around me?"
and i didn't know then. not really. i didn't think much of it.
i thought maybe i shouldn't be.
but i care too much.
i care too much about what he thinks of me.
i could care less about most of the rest of the world.
he is probably one of the only people whose opinion i care most.
care absolutely.
and i probably shouldn't take things so seriously.
but when someone like that. says something.
i know they're kidding. but. i think.
maybe it's true. even if they don't know it really is.
and when i do something stupid.
it always comes back to bite me in the ass.
for months at a time.
and it never goes away.
and so i can't try anything.
new or different.
because i'm so afraid i'll be dumb.
and screw it up.
or get myself hurt.

:P physically or otherwise.

some phrases i live by.

it is always my fault.
I am always wrong.
and
"i'm just a sensitive girl"


today sucks.
i'm cold.
i was sick this morning.
pudding is a killer.
so i'm gonna blame it on that.


oh. and those shoes you showed me Blooze, :) kickass!!
i saw those, WORK OF ART.

there is no beautiful garbage, they cleared it up already

i feel like i need a cigar.


i don't think the comforting part about a cigarette. is that it simply calms you down. because of the nicotine and stuff. (proven that i actually makes you more nervous in the long run. XP but like people can believe that.)
i really think.
that it's the act of smoke.
filling your lungs.
ya.
it's s***.
and it's gross.

but when you feel like you can't breathe.
or like. you've gone through something like something that scared you
or shook up your nerves.
even a non-smoker will light one up.

my point is.
its the feeling of tangible substance filling your lungs.
because. when you feel like you can't breathe.
the air seems really invisible.or even when it's like. hot out.
you can't feel the air fill your lungs.
so it's comforting to know that there's something there.
and it's actually doing something.

and that your going to be okay.




(from another post i read. it was beautiful. but it's true. after you cough. or inhale smoke :S, the air. it tastes sweet. and beautiful.)





i don't smoke.
i don't plan on it any time soon.
i don't like this feeling.
i feel better now though.

wanna go to the movies or link arms as we skip down the sidewalk anyone?

no?

... ya. i thought as much.

the girl from mars

you know that feeling.
that feeling thats not that great.
and its because of SOMETHING.
i mean. it HAS to be something right?
right??.. :/

well. what if you tell that feeling. that ur gonna ditch it.
"you suck, im leaving!"
ya. :) :P
switch to neutral!
:P well.
so. you tell yourself to forget about it.
but.
what if you actually forget.
like.
you cant remember.
but. the feeling comes back.
and. you can't remember why you had it in the first place.
and it grows of course
its like yeast in dough.
bigger and bigger.
and then :P
well.
it can't just grow forever. it has to GO somewhere.
and it does.
eventually.
randomly.
:/ unwantedly.
now.
why was this again?



u kno. i think that i think that im more high and mighty than i am :P.
because. i get angry or upset at rly stupid things. but more than that.
im thinking about when it's things that, rly i SHOULD be all gung-ho about XP
i mean, if its okay for me, it should be okay for you.
:P whatever, jus another thought.



i think i'm too impulsive when it comes to shopping. i stop thinking about money :P
so i spend it all on stuff that i dont need XPP.


i probably over-react to everything. i actually get told alot by people that i take things too seriously XPP. but. even tho, like, 5 minutes ago, they were saying how easygoing, or how goofy i was :S.
well. if your going to tell me something. then. i'm probably going to beleive you :S. because i trust you. and so. don't laugh at me when i do take it to heart :/ .
but. some things. i take. and i run with it. i just dont let go. or . i dont let go QUICK enough.
so that sucks.

mouse.

This Time, Its the Same Old Story

"seeing you cry makes me feel like saying sorry"

This mouse.
is dramatic
blows things out of proportion
is paranoid
sometimes has depression issues (self-diagnosed XP its mostly self esteem+anxiety)
changes its fur color too much
makes bad choices
will listen
needs a hug sometimes
wants to be told everythings gonna be okay every once in awhile
is trying to be open.
was planning on showing more affection (XP i think it kinda failed so far... )
thinks too much
wants people to be able to open up to mouse.
wants to make everyone happy.

takes forever to get ready XPP
wants to be perfect
probably wears too much makeup.
(i think sometimes i cross the line between radical and slutty XP )
always forgets SOMETHING.
likes lots o pickles olives and mayo on a sub :P
doesnt like the taste of straight white milk XPP
likes crappy bands XD
is a morning person aproximately 1-3 times a month :P
gets cold in movie theatres.
XP heak, is always cold.
fave color is hiding. :P possibly yellow. but probably secretly green.

(-!! IS FLAT FOOTED ON HER LEFT. CREATING A LIMP. !!-)-->> thank you :P

oh hey. :P
you know what. somebody asked me about that .
and for once.
it didnt bother me :) .
and it was the second time i told him.
:) but . it didnt bother me at all. i think it was the pure fact that he asked
:PP well, he asked if it was okay if he asked about it XD .
:P i read this thing awhile ago, about how, like... the best touch this person has felt.
and. this one girl. made this realization. that hers, were all when the guys asked permission first.
made sure it was okay with her. and just, to be given that opportunity made it better.
and i think thats sweet.
:P though. personally. i havent decided :PP
id say %80 percent of the time thatd b true XPP
:P

everything looks perfect from far away

everybody laugh, everybody sing, "its over"

so i'm still a little behind. XP we continue, at 6 days ago. :P
kill off the king, kill off the queen..


Mouse started the day slow. knowing it to be somewhat a repeat of the day before. the difference was. He had his sturdy rock. his Grey Matter. so of course, it should be a little easier.
but all day, mouse avoided the cave. When it came time to venture in. Mouse made it inside the mouth again. but the fear took hold again, and hurriedly he said to Grey Matter, "I can't do this, please, I don't want to be here." and again. he ran away.
sitting within sight of the cave, they sat. GM telling mouse how easy it should be, and asking why he couldn't do it. And as M shed a tear in his confusion. Grey started to say how "you don't have to do this."
but mouse knew. mouse knew what had to be done. and. really, it shouldn't have been so hard.
and ever since the day before, M had been kicking himself. and now so, even more.


the next day. mouse told Grey that he would just be out at work.
which was true.
except.
Mouse had to try one more time.

singing tunes to keep his mind busy, M marched right in and the two that were there, they were smiling and laughing at a joke. Reassured, Mouse smiled and stated the business he was there for. suddenly a solemn/serious look flowed across the ones face, and the other disappeared into some other room. :S M became nervous but the smile was still stapled to his face. and realized :P all he could do today was talk, which made things easier. but. :/ now he also realized he'd have to come back, they needed him to talk some more people. and maybe do tests! :( he'd become a LAB RAT.
but on the way out, Mouse was laughing. because. what a silly mouse :P.
makin such a big deal outa everything


typical rodent.

the perfect crime

tis Mouse(trap) here.
jus gonna babble a bit.

today was the first time in awhile (that i noticed) that, well, that i didn't feel like jumping in front of moving traffic. or doing something stupid enough that could seriously injure/kill me. :P today was also sunday. which i spent part of my morning waiting at a bus stop until realizing it wouldn't come XP.
and mann do i have busy week. It's the busiest time of the year, lots of work. Only lasts this week tho. well. and campers going through till the end of summer XP

oh, and i am working on getting a pic of lil ol' mouse up there soon. :) featuring, Grey Matter <3>:)

right. may 08 XP well, i am SO glad that i journeyed to "Over The Hill" at the beginning of this month.
IOU here was in a slump. :/ . that trip really fixed things up :). i saw my sunshine.(who is an ACTUAL dog) i really missed her. And who knew a mouse could play billiards! XD well. this one can't .. but I tried for the first time :) . saw a hylarious movie. but most importantly. i caught up. and i got away for awhile. which is tough. but so much nicer when you go back :) .
XP the first part of my trip was borring. T'was at Anna Faye's for couple days XP it sucked, but other than that it was refreshing.

ANYWAYS. May. well. and June. aherm.
>>
<<>>
<<
that seems pretty bad.
:P need some prozzac or somthing lol
umm.
thats it?

SNAP. mouse(trap).


(TYPOOO :P turns out that may wasnt recorded. so i consider it false. only june :P )

this is something i have to do for myself.

Five days ago. almost a week ago. I watched the late twilight twist back into brightness. Never have I witnessing such a thing, I played with time for four hours.
Coincidentally, since the cold winter months ended in July, it was my first visit back to the sea. Though I cannot swim (and never have), I did not cringe as the cold water hit my feet, but embraced the waves.
but it was Three in the afternoon, And after only almost two hours of my new found
____, the stars were out. The Mouse marched home.



When the sun rose. Mouse knew what he had to do.
The ocean did not come without a price.
scared and fragile. Mouse journeyed deep and was almost there.
but terrified, the mouse hid behind the truck. and sat.
inside the mouse shivered, and panicked. Though, on the outside he was silent.
finally. after a half hour of waiting. He plucked the courage to go inside.
but at the mouth of the entrance, it was silent. but being a mouse. even that scared him.
Mouse(trap) turned tail and ran. He ran wildly away, and collapsed out of breath on the dirt.
Wallowing in his sorrow he sat again. Ashamed and alone.
Mouse trailed home, sulking. but sleep flooded easily as he whispered to himself, "i just want a hug..."

change your lover.

"nothing's really wrong around here."

So, heart pounding, hands shaking. He jumped into a vast new world awaiting him. With the click of a mouse(trap), it was set. He knew what might await him, yet at the same time, fear and adrenaline taking grasp of his throat. for the unknown. He knew that there was no turning back. There were only sidesteps, which he wasn't about to chance upon. Head held high, he set out creating a home in this new world. A light that would beckon forth [hopefully] growth and self-realization.
As if reborn. M awakes confused, and not knowing anything. Only surviving on instinct.
Opportunity takes hold.

With this new world. He was given a new name. mouse(trap) IOU.




I am "M".
i like pants .. and shoes.
imma REAL MAN. :) :P

this will be something.
this will be change.