fated to pretend.

i hate trying so hard and being happy all the time.
knowing that DESPITE all the effort i put in..
anything i do probably doesn't change a single fucking thing.


if i thought it was helping more it wouldn't be so difficult.


(but i'm really not pretending....)

another has been found, another ocean on the planet, given that our blood is just like the atlantic

there is a mouse. and this was yesterday.

well. lately. i have been getting a little down again.
i went a wholeeee week. :P
but i haven't really gone off the handle yet.
i'm trying this time.
i'm too busy to be doing things like that.
i looked up stuff.

positive thinking/telling myself positive things.
that didn't really work.
:S
XP

exercise.
-cough- well. if i'm really cold and can't move.
and my legs are killing me.
>> that's not always gonna work.
plus i'm lazy.
FAIL.

spending time with people.
well.
everyone seems busy.
maybe i need to try harder. :P


on this day. i woke up and watched two episodes of south park.
Berdie texted. :) he doesn't not like me. that's nice. :)

school kinda sucked. XP it was cold.
but all we had to do in ICT was play video games.
cuz we were done the stupid gif animations XP
I thought this was a grade eleven course??

at lunch i watched I.W. (band grey, pete, and _____ are in)
grey got his pedal the other day :)
he was so excited and happy :)
it was lovely. :) i love seeing him so happy.
XD it was like Christmas for him.
they were good. they've decided not to keep looking for singers.
because no matter what.
the singer won't feel part of the band.
or share the same ideas.
and also XP they can't find someone
that can actually sing.
at least not with their style.
so they are singing.
together.
and they learned the blitzkreg bop :P
I love that song XD
and their learning breed(nirvana)
and i think i few others.
:P i like their songs they've made.
they don't have lyrics.
but i think they sound awesome.

mr.B. apple's bf.(for now.. :S it's complicated XD)
XP he always rags on everyone. like.
he sounds serious but he's kidding usually.
but when he is serious even. it's kinda rude.
i unno.
he kept saying to turn down the bass.
i thought it sounded worse with the bass turned down XP
everything drowned it out.
>> I like the bass high.
cuz in the songs they play.
the bass is more dynamic usually.
so i like to hear the difference.
and how it comes together.
also his new pedal sounds sweet :P

apple is havin problems. XP it's effed.like. weird.

after school grey asked if i wanted to go to a movie.
the nick and norah's infinite playlist.
then he got told it was more of a chick flick.
so he was like
uhhhh. nevermind.
we'll see.
i unno.
ya i was kinda disappointed when said he didn't want to.
i mean. that movie wasn't playing. but two other sucky ones were.
and i just don't like going home.
but i also just like spending time with him.
so my plan was to freeze my ass off for two hours.
then maybe go see a movie anyways.
or go eat.
and get a taxi home.>>

i unno. he just didn't feel like going downtown.
:S but i didn't care where.
i just wanted to spend time with him.
even if it was at a crappy movie.
we could talk all through it?
i don't care. oro get something to eat.
but he likes his home more than i do..>>

i was all weird. and sitting on a bench across the street from Dairy Queen.
people stare at the yellow pants.
XP native guy said some comment.
that's why i chose that bench.
away from everyone.

i was just about to text grey.
and tell him that i kinda wanted him to come.
because it's not about what we do.
i just want to spend time with him.
and that, it sucks that he's not gonna spend time with me
or hang out. just because the movie isn't that great.
it's about being together. and it kinda made me feel
like he just didn't want to hang out.

XP but THEN before i even got past the first sentence.
he texted ME.
and asked if i wanted to come over. and bring a movie or something.

XP it made me happy to hear.
but i feel bad. because it's like
i guilted him into hangin out with me.
just cuz i'm all sad.
and he knows it.

XP so i didn't show alot of excitement.
cuz. i was too busy being guilty.

anyways. we went to movie gallery.
and we had a tough time choosing movies.
cuz.
i unno.
XP he doesn't wanna see a chick flick obv.
cuz he didn't wanna go to that other movie.
and he doesn't want a horror. cuz we looked at one
and he was like.
"no, i'm gonna save the horrors for halloween"
and i'm like "well how many movies do you think we'll watch?"
and he's like "probably like, one."
-cough-
well..>> this blog isn't about halloween. so i won't go on about that.

so i unno. i didn't really wanna choose something.
and now that i think of it XP
eternal sunshine of the spotless mind is kinda a chick flik XP
so. >> he asked me if I wanted to watch that.
and i felt dumb. and i said (which i honestly felt)
that it's kinda pointless to rent it.
when i have it downloaded and on a memory stick
at home XP
why waste the money?
i did see a couple movies that looked interesting.
but.>>
he's not as much of a beetles fan.
and i'm a chick.
like.
i saw something called
the assasination of john lennon.
i think it was called that.
and under it said
"i was a nobody, until i killed the biggest somebody in the world"
or something..>> XD
and thsi one called "2:47" i think.
and i think a coupl eothers looked good.
but i'm me.
and i just want him to be happy and enjoy the movie.

we got superbad.
and Big Fish.

we went to pick his sister up from the college.
cuz it's late enough.
and grey commented on how i was sad.
and he asked if it was because he didn't want to go downtown
and at that time not really.
but i contemplated telling him how i felt about it.
i can't remember if i did at one point.

after the college.
i got happier. i unno why.
:P i'm just like that.
XD he drove the jeep to the entrance :P
even though he wasn't supposed to.
and he phoned his mom to see what was taking so long
and she was like "i'm just STANDING here"
and there was laughter in the background. :P
and he wanted to ditch and drive up to mcDonalds.
and when she called. he'd be like "i'm just DRIVING"
and hang up. :P
anyways. they came up.
and he was gonna drive up a bit.,
but then there was this other car.
so he thought he might hit it XP
and was like ""SHIT"
and then it turned.
and he did it.
and then we all went to our seats.
his mother driving.

we went to mcDonalds after.
XD :P i used 12 of my dollar cupons.
-cough-... i coulda done a better job..>>
they bagged my food weird.
and my cinnamon melt had icing everywhere :'

>> the food was kinda gross.
i usually like it.
but.
it got cold.
and then you notice how bad it is XP
wel..>> it was kinda warm.
and i did like my snack wrap.
and i kinda liked my cinnamon melt.
XP but the burrito's and fries were sick XP

i threw most of it out.>>
and GM threw like, half of his out too surprisingly.
even he thought it was bad :P


we weren't able to finish either movie XP
the bass on his subwoofer. or whatever. :P
it was like. XP traveling through the house.
and we couldn't turn it off.
he was like "i'm gonna get bitched at"
and his mom came in once.
and we tried a couple things.
so we switched superbad with big fish.
that was pretty good as far as i saw it.
still bassey XP
and his mom waslike
"the taxi's leaving!!"
like..>> she is.
and i had to gooo.
i hate leaving.
if only i could stay foreverzz. :P
overall.
the night ended well.
i really wanted to go out that night.
and i had a great time.


reminding you we used to be three and not two,
and that's how the world began.
and that's how, the world will end.

well now the blow's been softened since we are our own damn coffins.

today is Self-Pity day however.
or maybe my calendar is wrong.
i will celebrate anyways.



i'm not sexy, i'm not that pretty, i don't think i'm that fun. i'm not perfect.

and whenever i try i just fuck it up.

maybe if i just sat there. and didn't do anything. there wouldn't be anything worth noting.
nothing good. but nothing bad.
in a conversation. i'd only listen.
durring a movie. i'd just watch.
in school. i'd do both.
in human interaction i'd just smile slightly.
when someone touched me. i'd be still. or like an action figure.

then. i wouldn't make a mistake.
then maybe, i wouldn't have to worry.
then maybe. the only thing i'd have to think about in these times.
is the things that I made myself feel. or think.
the things that I caused to bring me down.
then when blaming myself. it wouldn't involve other people.
it wouldn't be an incident.
it would be me.
my imagination.
my paranoia.
my lonliness.
but not anything tangible.

i put myself down enough without any outside help.





i beleive it was said something like this.
"why are you so worried about your esteem around me?"
and i didn't know then. not really. i didn't think much of it.
i thought maybe i shouldn't be.
but i care too much.
i care too much about what he thinks of me.
i could care less about most of the rest of the world.
he is probably one of the only people whose opinion i care most.
care absolutely.
and i probably shouldn't take things so seriously.
but when someone like that. says something.
i know they're kidding. but. i think.
maybe it's true. even if they don't know it really is.
and when i do something stupid.
it always comes back to bite me in the ass.
for months at a time.
and it never goes away.
and so i can't try anything.
new or different.
because i'm so afraid i'll be dumb.
and screw it up.
or get myself hurt.

:P physically or otherwise.

some phrases i live by.

it is always my fault.
I am always wrong.
and
"i'm just a sensitive girl"


today sucks.
i'm cold.
i was sick this morning.
pudding is a killer.
so i'm gonna blame it on that.


oh. and those shoes you showed me Blooze, :) kickass!!
i saw those, WORK OF ART.

although i didnt mention.. i prayed for you that day.

"old times always sound so bad. the calendar was the saddest thing, that i ever read."
"I hope you always know. that youll ALWAYS be the LIFE OF THE PARTY."



Mouse traveled down the lane, ducking and hiding from fierce james (Mouse's brother) to see dear Grey Matter. this day was spent with fun and games, like snakes and 'adders+ mortal combat on the sega.
and one game Mouse is a sore loser about. Mouse doesn't like this game..
It's the bug game.
you know.
where you tickle.
and pinch.
and take embarassing pictures.
or make the other feel bad for amusement.
or. well. the list goes on XP.

and then the second part of thsi game.
is the victim. either enraged or in a fit, does something back.

then a cycle begins.

until one, (usually the victim) gets SO ANGRY.
or cries.
or something rly dramatic happens.

and the game ends.

.. sometimes.

XP .
this game is fine.
rly.
in.
VERY GOOD.
MODERATION
>>...

.. i think we all need to learn some limits tho.

ANYWAYS.....
>>
<<
..

you see.
Mouse(trap) is too impulsive sometimes.
and.
Mouse bit Grey Matter. Which probably wasn't a very smart idea.
actually.
it probably was a very bad one.
:/ Mouse shouldnt bite people.
do unto others as they unto you.
or something.
so.
if Mouse bites people.
xP Mouse will get bit back.
or somethign worse will happen.

:/ games. have rules.
for a good reason too.
so that game... is not advised to play often.

... not when you're a mouse.


.... and your trying to wrestle a lion.

everybody laugh, everybody sing, "its over"

so i'm still a little behind. XP we continue, at 6 days ago. :P
kill off the king, kill off the queen..


Mouse started the day slow. knowing it to be somewhat a repeat of the day before. the difference was. He had his sturdy rock. his Grey Matter. so of course, it should be a little easier.
but all day, mouse avoided the cave. When it came time to venture in. Mouse made it inside the mouth again. but the fear took hold again, and hurriedly he said to Grey Matter, "I can't do this, please, I don't want to be here." and again. he ran away.
sitting within sight of the cave, they sat. GM telling mouse how easy it should be, and asking why he couldn't do it. And as M shed a tear in his confusion. Grey started to say how "you don't have to do this."
but mouse knew. mouse knew what had to be done. and. really, it shouldn't have been so hard.
and ever since the day before, M had been kicking himself. and now so, even more.


the next day. mouse told Grey that he would just be out at work.
which was true.
except.
Mouse had to try one more time.

singing tunes to keep his mind busy, M marched right in and the two that were there, they were smiling and laughing at a joke. Reassured, Mouse smiled and stated the business he was there for. suddenly a solemn/serious look flowed across the ones face, and the other disappeared into some other room. :S M became nervous but the smile was still stapled to his face. and realized :P all he could do today was talk, which made things easier. but. :/ now he also realized he'd have to come back, they needed him to talk some more people. and maybe do tests! :( he'd become a LAB RAT.
but on the way out, Mouse was laughing. because. what a silly mouse :P.
makin such a big deal outa everything


typical rodent.

the perfect crime

tis Mouse(trap) here.
jus gonna babble a bit.

today was the first time in awhile (that i noticed) that, well, that i didn't feel like jumping in front of moving traffic. or doing something stupid enough that could seriously injure/kill me. :P today was also sunday. which i spent part of my morning waiting at a bus stop until realizing it wouldn't come XP.
and mann do i have busy week. It's the busiest time of the year, lots of work. Only lasts this week tho. well. and campers going through till the end of summer XP

oh, and i am working on getting a pic of lil ol' mouse up there soon. :) featuring, Grey Matter <3>:)

right. may 08 XP well, i am SO glad that i journeyed to "Over The Hill" at the beginning of this month.
IOU here was in a slump. :/ . that trip really fixed things up :). i saw my sunshine.(who is an ACTUAL dog) i really missed her. And who knew a mouse could play billiards! XD well. this one can't .. but I tried for the first time :) . saw a hylarious movie. but most importantly. i caught up. and i got away for awhile. which is tough. but so much nicer when you go back :) .
XP the first part of my trip was borring. T'was at Anna Faye's for couple days XP it sucked, but other than that it was refreshing.

ANYWAYS. May. well. and June. aherm.
>>
<<>>
<<
that seems pretty bad.
:P need some prozzac or somthing lol
umm.
thats it?

SNAP. mouse(trap).


(TYPOOO :P turns out that may wasnt recorded. so i consider it false. only june :P )