thriller

i went to the halloween concert tonight.
to support grey and pete ye kno.
XP but i got there late.
like. five minutes.
it was PACKED.
i see them right by the door :P
but they have to leave right away.

anyways, XP well..>> it was okay.
my feet were KILLING me.
i had to stand. the entire time.
but later, this chick was playing the piano.
i thought she was pretty good.
ahem. cept for one part.
but i saw grey and pete come in.
and i turned and smiled.
but i was gonna wait till after this one song
till i went and said hello and stood by them.
-COUGH-
the song ends. i turn,
and they start walking.
AHEM.
they walk right by me.
>:'
THANKs.
no tap to say hi.
BLEHHH
didn't even SEE me. i was RIGHT
beside them as they walked by XP
and i was about to say HELLO
but they KEPT WALKING.
to their seats.
THEIR SEATS.
so i sent grey a text.
says "pshh, you guys get seats XP"
i get no reply of course.
i think he didn't bring his cell.
or something.
i've sent him likek five texts.
anyways. i'm okay.
but my feet are really hurting.
i can't stand .. well. STANDING that long.
in just one spot.
so i go to sit outside.
:S there's annoying kids in the halls.
running around being loud.
and i find an empty bench by the band room.

it was kinda lonely.
surrounded by people,
but they can't even see you.

a couple people i knew didn't even see me XP

this chick from my socials did though :P
like, WHAT?? HER OF ALL PEOPLE??
:P it was funny... not really.
she commented on my hair.
--it was intermission when i got back :P
i was like WHAT'S GOING ON??--
her and her friend left really quick.
XP i think alot of people just left.
i think grey did.
i didn't even SEE HIM LEAVE :S
i was looking for him too.
his cousin came up to me
AND HE RECOGNIZED ME :P LOL
and grey's DAD came up XP
flashing the camera..>>
i kinda had a headache..

his mom even talked to me XP
she said, grey left with his cousin,
and her and his dad were leavin :P

XP i went back out.
kinda. sneakily checked the band room.
i saw pete.
and aMAN.
XP she was coming out the door.
:P why am i invisible? lol XD
everyones' busy.

it's their night.

i really wanted to see the jazz band.
but i was cold.
and alone.
everyone was leaving i think.
but there were no seats.
i could't STAND anymore :S




i think.
what if i stayed.


uhh. i just got a text from grey.
:S he says, ya see you here.
XP fuck my life.

Whatever.

"Whatever" stings like a rusty knife.

:S

i ate three burgers and a bagel when i came home from school today.

sometimes i think i have a problem.

you're the one for me, fatty. you're the one i really truly love.

i like when people pay attention when i'm trying to say something.
but sometimes i grab unwanted attention.
but maybe i'm trying to get that.

i dress with too much cleavage sometimes.

or i'm extra radical sometimes.

i think maybe it's to grab attention.
to grab his attention.
and like, snipe it from everyone else :P

maybe he'll get jealous when they pay attention to me.

maybe he'll stare, and know that that's his.
not that i think i'm great looking.
but..>> guys and boobs.
you know. LOL
and maybe when he knows that's his.
he'll stare. and maybe he'll stand next to me.
bein all possesive XD :P or something. maybe just standing even.


i try hard to impress people.
then i relax after a bit. if i think they like me.
then i say dumb stuff. and do dumb stuff
:P and then they think i'm a freak.

XP somebody giving you a slight smile
and like, nodding hello in the hall.
doesn't mean start waving your arms up and down
and cocking your head in weird directions
going "what? WHAT!?" because you think it's cool or funny >>
<<
apparantly.


of course it comes back to this but.
on saturday i went out.
with girls.
and like, ones brother and friend and ones friend.
they weren't expected though.

but anyways.
maybe he thought girls night.

grey COULD have come.
but i didn't ask.
because he always says.
how he doesn't want to hang with those people.

he's even said no before.

he'd rather not hang out with me.
than hang out with those people.
and that really sucks.
he'd rather not be around me.



lol :P i basically feel like i'm talking to you.
XD nobody else really reads my blog anyways
:P so i thought i'd say
I love you katt :)

jungle love, it's drivin me mad, your drivin me crazy

i got all dressed up to go out.
and i did.
i even got dressed up for you. and i went out.
but you didn't want to go out with me.

but i pretended i was waiting for someone.
by the way i was waiting for someone.
. i was waiting for something.




sometimes i think you don't want to go out with me.
sometimes you don't.

... you could still play video games.
i don't mind watching.
i don't mind waiting.

as long as you come.
as long as i know you'll be there.

another has been found, another ocean on the planet, given that our blood is just like the atlantic

there is a mouse. and this was yesterday.

well. lately. i have been getting a little down again.
i went a wholeeee week. :P
but i haven't really gone off the handle yet.
i'm trying this time.
i'm too busy to be doing things like that.
i looked up stuff.

positive thinking/telling myself positive things.
that didn't really work.
:S
XP

exercise.
-cough- well. if i'm really cold and can't move.
and my legs are killing me.
>> that's not always gonna work.
plus i'm lazy.
FAIL.

spending time with people.
well.
everyone seems busy.
maybe i need to try harder. :P


on this day. i woke up and watched two episodes of south park.
Berdie texted. :) he doesn't not like me. that's nice. :)

school kinda sucked. XP it was cold.
but all we had to do in ICT was play video games.
cuz we were done the stupid gif animations XP
I thought this was a grade eleven course??

at lunch i watched I.W. (band grey, pete, and _____ are in)
grey got his pedal the other day :)
he was so excited and happy :)
it was lovely. :) i love seeing him so happy.
XD it was like Christmas for him.
they were good. they've decided not to keep looking for singers.
because no matter what.
the singer won't feel part of the band.
or share the same ideas.
and also XP they can't find someone
that can actually sing.
at least not with their style.
so they are singing.
together.
and they learned the blitzkreg bop :P
I love that song XD
and their learning breed(nirvana)
and i think i few others.
:P i like their songs they've made.
they don't have lyrics.
but i think they sound awesome.

mr.B. apple's bf.(for now.. :S it's complicated XD)
XP he always rags on everyone. like.
he sounds serious but he's kidding usually.
but when he is serious even. it's kinda rude.
i unno.
he kept saying to turn down the bass.
i thought it sounded worse with the bass turned down XP
everything drowned it out.
>> I like the bass high.
cuz in the songs they play.
the bass is more dynamic usually.
so i like to hear the difference.
and how it comes together.
also his new pedal sounds sweet :P

apple is havin problems. XP it's effed.like. weird.

after school grey asked if i wanted to go to a movie.
the nick and norah's infinite playlist.
then he got told it was more of a chick flick.
so he was like
uhhhh. nevermind.
we'll see.
i unno.
ya i was kinda disappointed when said he didn't want to.
i mean. that movie wasn't playing. but two other sucky ones were.
and i just don't like going home.
but i also just like spending time with him.
so my plan was to freeze my ass off for two hours.
then maybe go see a movie anyways.
or go eat.
and get a taxi home.>>

i unno. he just didn't feel like going downtown.
:S but i didn't care where.
i just wanted to spend time with him.
even if it was at a crappy movie.
we could talk all through it?
i don't care. oro get something to eat.
but he likes his home more than i do..>>

i was all weird. and sitting on a bench across the street from Dairy Queen.
people stare at the yellow pants.
XP native guy said some comment.
that's why i chose that bench.
away from everyone.

i was just about to text grey.
and tell him that i kinda wanted him to come.
because it's not about what we do.
i just want to spend time with him.
and that, it sucks that he's not gonna spend time with me
or hang out. just because the movie isn't that great.
it's about being together. and it kinda made me feel
like he just didn't want to hang out.

XP but THEN before i even got past the first sentence.
he texted ME.
and asked if i wanted to come over. and bring a movie or something.

XP it made me happy to hear.
but i feel bad. because it's like
i guilted him into hangin out with me.
just cuz i'm all sad.
and he knows it.

XP so i didn't show alot of excitement.
cuz. i was too busy being guilty.

anyways. we went to movie gallery.
and we had a tough time choosing movies.
cuz.
i unno.
XP he doesn't wanna see a chick flick obv.
cuz he didn't wanna go to that other movie.
and he doesn't want a horror. cuz we looked at one
and he was like.
"no, i'm gonna save the horrors for halloween"
and i'm like "well how many movies do you think we'll watch?"
and he's like "probably like, one."
-cough-
well..>> this blog isn't about halloween. so i won't go on about that.

so i unno. i didn't really wanna choose something.
and now that i think of it XP
eternal sunshine of the spotless mind is kinda a chick flik XP
so. >> he asked me if I wanted to watch that.
and i felt dumb. and i said (which i honestly felt)
that it's kinda pointless to rent it.
when i have it downloaded and on a memory stick
at home XP
why waste the money?
i did see a couple movies that looked interesting.
but.>>
he's not as much of a beetles fan.
and i'm a chick.
like.
i saw something called
the assasination of john lennon.
i think it was called that.
and under it said
"i was a nobody, until i killed the biggest somebody in the world"
or something..>> XD
and thsi one called "2:47" i think.
and i think a coupl eothers looked good.
but i'm me.
and i just want him to be happy and enjoy the movie.

we got superbad.
and Big Fish.

we went to pick his sister up from the college.
cuz it's late enough.
and grey commented on how i was sad.
and he asked if it was because he didn't want to go downtown
and at that time not really.
but i contemplated telling him how i felt about it.
i can't remember if i did at one point.

after the college.
i got happier. i unno why.
:P i'm just like that.
XD he drove the jeep to the entrance :P
even though he wasn't supposed to.
and he phoned his mom to see what was taking so long
and she was like "i'm just STANDING here"
and there was laughter in the background. :P
and he wanted to ditch and drive up to mcDonalds.
and when she called. he'd be like "i'm just DRIVING"
and hang up. :P
anyways. they came up.
and he was gonna drive up a bit.,
but then there was this other car.
so he thought he might hit it XP
and was like ""SHIT"
and then it turned.
and he did it.
and then we all went to our seats.
his mother driving.

we went to mcDonalds after.
XD :P i used 12 of my dollar cupons.
-cough-... i coulda done a better job..>>
they bagged my food weird.
and my cinnamon melt had icing everywhere :'

>> the food was kinda gross.
i usually like it.
but.
it got cold.
and then you notice how bad it is XP
wel..>> it was kinda warm.
and i did like my snack wrap.
and i kinda liked my cinnamon melt.
XP but the burrito's and fries were sick XP

i threw most of it out.>>
and GM threw like, half of his out too surprisingly.
even he thought it was bad :P


we weren't able to finish either movie XP
the bass on his subwoofer. or whatever. :P
it was like. XP traveling through the house.
and we couldn't turn it off.
he was like "i'm gonna get bitched at"
and his mom came in once.
and we tried a couple things.
so we switched superbad with big fish.
that was pretty good as far as i saw it.
still bassey XP
and his mom waslike
"the taxi's leaving!!"
like..>> she is.
and i had to gooo.
i hate leaving.
if only i could stay foreverzz. :P
overall.
the night ended well.
i really wanted to go out that night.
and i had a great time.


reminding you we used to be three and not two,
and that's how the world began.
and that's how, the world will end.

and the flower would give it's offering of love to the dessert.

I take things too seriously sometimes. XP obv.
 :P repeating myself. like always.

found something.

Cognitive behavioral therapy, which teaches depressed people ways of
fighting negative thoughts and recognizing them as symptoms, not the
truth about their world


ha.

:P i found it kinda funny.

kinda sad.

mother mouse said how I get manic and depressed when I don't take my vitamins. I always thought i might have manic depression. But because I didn't take my vitamins. :P sounds silly.
also. I'm stubborn. so. XP I don't really buy it.


and the rattlesnake said,"I wish i had hands, so I could hug you like a man."
and then the cactus said,"but don't you understand? My skin is covered in sharp spikes, that will stab you like a thousand knives. a hug would be nice but hug my flower with your eyes."

i will be your ferdinand and you my wayward girl.

this weekend. was a 4 day weekend for me.
i was gonna go to over the hill and haf fun.
XP but now. i only get one day.
:S the worst day too.
it like. broke my heart.
cuz i've been waiting so long.
i've planned this forever.
i saved JUST enough money.

made me really sad.
just.
like my world shattered XP

me and my mom had a talk.
and she didn't take it well.
when i said iw atned to leave friday morning.
instead of thursday night.
cuz she wants me to spend more time with my dad.
but there's nothing to do.
and.
i don't like him particularly.
and.
she was smug and bitchy about it.
said crap.
but now. i can go friday morning.
and.
grey is comming too.
kinda makes me happy.
makes it not so horrible.
but my week is still beeped up.
XP
i just.
i was just so excited. and happy.
i was looking forward to it so much.
:(

but grey matter will come keep me company.
it'll be okay.


it'll all be okay.



oh elope with me in private, and we'll set something ablaze
 a trail for the devil to erase.

i eat MY candy with pork and beans.

i want my computer to die.
the only thing i like.
is my blogger.
and talking to a couple people.
even if it's not all the time.
other than that.
i wish it would break.
i have like, this need for it.
and i hate it.
i just. need a life.


i almost started bawling my eyes out the other day.
like. not like normal crying. i was in a normal situation too.
i was sitting on the couch and i was watching "extreme makeover:home edition"
with all the fam.
and like.
you know those pre-cry breaths.
just randomly XP
i did that.
and i thought i was gonna burst into tears.
:S it wasn't even that sappy.
and like. usually the show jus annoys me.
XP
strange.
i'm fragile and weird :S
XP sucks.

:P lol

and i AM borring.
otherwise.
we wouldn't need money or anything to have a good time.
really. with anyone.
you can't jus hang anymore.
or jus sit and talk.
it's dumb.


can i go back to being invisible?


everyone likes to dance to a happy song.
with a catchy chorus and beat, so they can sing along.

He says "unlikely"

i'm horrible at positive thoughts sometimes :P

maybe i am too attached... but i still think it's worth it.

my mom only pays attention when something bad happens.
at least that's what i think.
or when i have to ask for something.
which usually results in something bad happening XP
somehow.>>

i'm not doing so well in my classes. i've got below seventy in almost everything.
that's failing in this family. :S

i hear alot of chat.

apple is always sad or angry beneath the surface.
and talks about troubles in her relationship.
and of other men sometimes.
which i find kinda sad. well.. disheartening.

pony. her troubles with indecision.
and now it's too late to get out.
the hole is too deep.
she's got to stop worrying about other people.
about her decision.
if she picks what she thinks is best.
everything will work out how it's supposed to.

i always hear chats. about.
how this and this are going to happen.
they're gonna go to these places these times.
they  are going to do this.
see this band.
do this thing.
leave.

i just feel left out.
leaving me behind.
it's all about them.
and it is.
in reality it really is.
i don't know why i should be included.
but.
it's like, i'm not considered.
am i not expected to be around that long?
i guess. people make plans they don't complete.
but they're driven and determined people.
so maybe i'm just not going to be there.
cuz. i'm not supposed to apparantly.

two months.
a part of me doesn't want it to happen.
a part of me wishes i didn't support you.
but i have to. because i know it makes you happy.
i just want you to be happy.
but it's gonna be hard.
really hard.
it was tough.
with just two weeks.
even though.
afterwards.
you looked at me like i was a freak cuz i missed you so much XP
but i'm going to.
cuz you're like my world.
and i'm kinda scared.
because i know that there's a couple of girls.
who want you.
and i don't know what they'd do.
but i think.
two months.
maybe it would be good.
because. even though i'd be worried sick and miss you so much.
i'd know. that we could do it.
that we could get through that.
that you'd come back.
and you'd still be you.
lol funny.
how this is supposed to be in the summer.
but as soon as i heard.
just. :P i'm afraid.
:S i've never been two whole months without you.
longest was two and a half weeks.
and that was hard.
to you only cuz you didn't have video games XPP
but i just. i couldn't stand not seeing you for so long.
i just really missed you :P
caz i'm dumb like that XP


I love you.
always will.
never forget.

rest your bones. i am feeling weak again so please rest with me.

first.

nobody was gonna know. it was a secret. for a year even you said. and it felt kinda cool. our own little secret.

then.
you told someone. and okay. she lives in vacouver.
and someone else found out. and she lives in vancouver too.

and then you told some friends.
and ironically i found out the morning after i struggled with a lie.

and then it was okay if your friends knew.

and i knew.
that it would change too.

and like. other people would find out and it would spread.
caz you gots alotta friends.
it did.

and. i knew.

you changed your mind again.
because you realized that people laughed. and said things. and wanted too much.
and it's okay if your friends know, but no one else? XP that doesn't work.

everyone.
or no one.

like i said.
i don't even know the rules anymore.
they keep changing.
it stresses me out.
i don't think i like that people found out in the first place.

and i hate.
how you said.
you wouldn't do what he did.
you wouldn't.
and that it'd be different. you didn't want it to be like that.
but it did happen.

i wish you'd tell me more sometimes.
i hate being the last to know things.
especially when you're my best friend.
and i know i'm second best.



i did not ask, who's been helping you fall asleep. 

Derby. Daphne loves you.

this band. called the matinees. they came to our school (cool indie band.) and this slam poet. ( badler.ca) and they came with reach out or something. "psychosis sucks" :P they talked about it. it was cool.

this morning.
like every once in awhile.
things start to go really fast.
and get like. loud. ish.
but i know that everything is the same.
but it doesn't feel like it.
like everythings speeding up.
and i used to.
hear like.
this woman screaming.
and you know taz's voice/growl??
well. something like that too.
and it would grow louder as things went faster.
and i used to look for ways to make it stop.
and sometimes it worked.
sometimes it lasted awhile.
after it almost climaxed it would die down or something.
like. i'd forget about it all of a sudden.
i don't really hear the screams.
but it still happens sometimes.
and it bugs me.
even when listening to music. like.
the music wouldn't go faster.
but i it felt like it. and even listening to it.
the music felt faster too.
i always thought i might be bipolar.
with how i'm happy and sad in seconds.
and like. i unno.
:P
or like. maybe i have depression issues?

but.
i don't take it seriously.

i don't think i have psychosis.

but it's funny.

that it happened today.

i can't beleive that you would send your love to me now
even though i don't deserve it.

i'll sing the last song for you

morning. i wake up. i'm so stiff i can hardly move.
when i do at almost seven.
my knees shake.
and my arms are weak.
i'm weak.
and getting to the laundry room was a chore.
let alone turning on the dryer.
and it was so loud.
i then realized i might end up with a timeline to do my LAUNDRY.
i already had one for my showers :S
it took forever. and all today. i just.
pain? XP kinda.
i sat down alot.
tried not to move.
i was a b****.
maybe i am in a mood. i hope it's not permanent.
caz. i'm always in a mood then it seems :S
and when i hear that.
my mood gets sad. and i feel horrible.
anyways.
my knuckles are bruised.
i couldn't punch things today.
but i did.. a lil.
i have a new problem.
i punch things.
it's not good.
it's just.
hurting myself. without much damage.



today i had a detention.
today i skipped the first block.
first time. EVER.
i sat on the sidewalk. on a corner. and i just sat there.
waiting for it to be over.
and i was happy.ER.
than i would have been if i went to class.
god i hate that class.
i speak English. not french.

people ask me if i'm okay.
people ask me if i'm depressed.
people say that i look sad.
but i'm happier than i've ever been.
with some things.
just.
not my mother.
and not that class.

some people. can just bring you down with a word.
and some people. make it their job to tear you down.
just cause they can.
(the latter. is the worse i've come to find)

i don't have time for anything. yet i have too much alone. and like. i need to do more.
i need to fill up the space where i can sit and think.
i can't think. it's not good.

i need a trip to over the hill.
i wanted to go up with Grey.but.. XP i don't even know if he's interested.
and we both don't have money :S
maybe we'd hang wif berdie.
i hope he'd like hangin wif katt too.
pete would come. caz he's been talking forever about goin to pg with him.
but.
:S
i think i'm jealous.
i think i'm jealous of pete.
sometimes i feel he gets all the spotlight.
i get the kiss.
but he gets everything else sometimes XP

but mice are dumb.
you ignore those rodents.

kay?

mom freaked at me.
not cuz i missed class. (told her i was jus late though)
caz i wanted to drop french.
even though i'd take it up in grade 12.
and randomly she brought up piercings and tatoo's.
ahem. i want some. of both.
like. nothing major.
cept like. a lip ring i guess is kinda major. XP
everything else would be acceptable and small.
but she says.
she sez.
"you want it for the attention? you think it'd be cool?"
and i thought about it.
and maybe i do.
maybe that's why i color my hair and stuff.
i always tell myself that's not it.
that it's because I wanted to do it because I liked it.
but maybe it's deeper in my head. and like.
subconciously. maybe down there.
i want to be noticed.
i want to be liked.
i want to be loved.
even though. :S i get all weird when people compliment me.
and gifts too XPP.

nobody can do anything for me.
i must be aiming for self-misery.
because i can't do it alone.
but i don't think i deserve more.

am i as good at pretending as i seem?
or am i believing my own horrible lie?

when i smile. it's usually honest.
but sometimes. it's to make everyone else happy.
but it seems that i'm not as good at it anymore XP
or maybe i want people to worry.
maybe i want them to know.
maybe i'm one of those people. who cry out. and then start to cry out so much. everyone just hates them. caz they so whiney. i'm whiney. hate me?


i'm not ready for my guitar lesson tomorrow.
i'm not ready. i need to practice more. i'm not perfect.
i'm never perfect.
i need to be perfect.

i have to grin and bear it.
i hate it.

i hope i cut myself shaving tomorrow.
i hope it bleeds all day long.
our friends say it's darkest
before the sun rises.
we're pretty sure they're all wrong.
i hope it stays dark forever.