if you don't like the movie then quit acting

only you have the recipe for your own happiness.

a famous quote.
cuz i say it's famous.
a good friend told me this.

it made me happy.
it made me feel confident and proud.
it made me feel like everything would be okay.

but then.
what if you don't have the ingredients?
what if someone forgot to pick up the eggs?
(to this bacon)

i was happy and proud.
that day was supposed to be "a perfect day" :)
:S then i got detentions. TWO. because of a misconception and rediculusness.
and probably some other things.
but that was most prominent.
just. that smile faded away.
and this new ugly face took it's place.
just. that was supposed to be a good day.
and how, he has the AUTHORITY to do that.
to just take it all away.
anything he wants.
just.
makes you feel helpless.

hanging on for hope?
when it's just to hard to cope the road out?

i have hope.
i hope i have hope.
sometimes i feel like there's none.
but then i find it.
a flake.
that's slowly melting.
even though the ground grows colder.

i just want to be happy.
like. not for just a few hours.
or minutes.
but days?
please?
it's not even big problems.
it's just too many little things to cope with.
i'm so stressed out.
and scared.
i'm scared...


the perfect day.
being taken from me.
maybe by myself in reality.
but still, being taken from me.
hasn't just happened once.
i think three or so times.
i told myself.
how i was going to be better.
how i was going to try harder.
how i was going to be happy.
because i would start making the things i wanted happen.

but then something happened. or i heard some comment.
and so.. XP it's a work in progress.

by the time i'm old enough for family and teachers to stop telling me
 how to live
how to breath,
it'll be a new game.
and that dye i wanted?
that external harddrive?
that xbox?
that trip?
that will now be controlled by bills. and debt.
and work.
and things will get pushed aside.

i've been thinking about the future alot lately.
but not at all at the same time.
i just feel helpless.
and like my life is over after it's hardly begun.
i feel like i'm in my dying days.
but i can't just be happy.
and smile and make it the best.
and i want to.
and i'll keep trying.

people like it when you smile.
in general. people like when people smile.
people like when people are happy.
people like when they don't have to deal with you.
but i understand.
it gets repetitive.
and annoying.
i suppose.

i miss just lying in the grass.
just staring.
and just it feeling like home.
but i moved away from that home too.
this year. i can't lie in that spot. and feel the same peace,
the same welcoming as i did the summer before.

some days i want to chuck my computer out my window.
then i won't feel disappointed when i sit here for hours.
not doing a thing.
and making myself invisible.
but still expecting someone to just say to me
"hey?" and for them to tell me all their problems.
to tell me all their secrets.
not just trivial stuff to make small talk.
and i could help them.
and i could listen to them.
i was really good at that.
i might still be.
and i'd feel accomplished knowing that,
i helped.
i made a difference.

maybe i'd forget about myself again?
i'd be more self-sacrificing.
with all my complaining.
and all my whining.
and all my crying.
i feel just. pitiful.
it's sad :S
and it's selfish.
i feel very selfish.
it's dumb.
and i used to be more quiet.
but now that i voice my opinions.
i also complain alot more.
:S
ALOT.

i hate being pissed off. it's not like me at all.
I hate it.


selfish.




oh mr. pitiful, who let you down. who let you down?
you still don't believe, and you're grievances show.
...
please come down from that cloud you're sitting on.

i look at pictures of myself as a small child

this morning i woke up.
and i felt really guilty.
because i said some things the night before
that would probably be better left alone.

and i woke up. and i was sick for one.. minus one point.

and after i felt guilty.
i came to a disappointing realization.

i think i only have two years to live.
three years tops.

i don't really mean ilterally. though maybe.
but also figuratively.

i don't have a dream.
i don't have direction.
and i started too late on so many things.
why couldn't i have gotten a guitar when i asked through now to 10 YEARS ago?
why did i decide to go into certain classes NOW.
i'm a senior.
and after highschool.
i don't know if i'll have anything left.

i used to want to be a graphic designer.
or a struggling artist down in a big city.
working as a waitress to pay rent,
and buy food.

but i don't draw as much as i used to.
and i hardly know the basics of design.
except a bit of flash.

i get frustrated or uninterested in things after awhile.
and what used to be my passion.
or my direction is more like it.
is now something i hardly touch base with.
kinda like people in my life.

i don't want to be struggling all my life.
i don't want to work hard at something i hate
and have no time for things that i love.
for people i love.

i've been pissing around with a guitar for about ten months.
and i'm nowhere.
something i could have done in two or three.
i need lessons.
and i tried.
but it just failed.
and i started thinking.
after highschool.
what if i want to be in a band?
work on projects?
and just.
everything would be so much harder.
this is the time that people start those sorts of things.

this is what i think will happen after graduation.
it might start slow.
but.
everyone will get full time jobs.
people will move away.
people will lose touch.

i think i'm afraid of being alone.
of having nobody.
not like in the sort of community that surrounds a school.

i'll probably try and have a buch of fun.
with the people that choose to waste their life away
or the people that stay for the summer.
i'll probably drink and party.
maybe become an alchaholic.
pretend that everything will last forever.
enjoy the life of living at home.
and not going to school.
until september.
and then.
everyone will start their life.
and i won't know what to do.
and i'll be too lazy, and unmotivated to
WANT to do anything.

i'll end up working at a dead end job for years.
and then realize.
i wasted too much time.



maybe i'll pull an Elliott Smith??
maybe i'm wrong and everything will be okay?




after i thought about all this.
i decided.
if i only have three years.
i may as well make them damn good ones.

i put on my smile for the day.
and i already felt a bit better. :)


ahem... then i realized i had french first.
and that i had a detention.
and laundry.
and that i'm sick.
and that i have no plans or money.
so i'm stuck at home.
with family.
and a sleeping mother all weekend.
oh. and that womanly thing.
you know.

..i hate women. they suck.
acidddddd XPP yuckk


kill me now. -rolls eyes-

all control is now spiraling

you don't like to touch me in 'public'. so i'm trying to learn how to hold myself.

i ammmm a lizard.
in the sun sweating,
and shivering in the shade.

i like to walk in the night.
but rarely do i have the opportunity.
and now it's getting colder.
and that tiny window gets smaller.

and i say stupid things lots.
so don't mind me.
and i cry for no reason at all.
so don't mind me.
when i tell you i love you. (and only you).
well. :P you can listen then, okay?

everything i complain about.
and everything i get down about.
i wish i didn't say.
because.
after awhile
i realize.
that it's my fault to begin with.
XP
caz i'm jus dumb.
and now.
i just suck at being amazing.

So if i seem a little out of it, sorry. But why should i lie?

i always have less to say when things are going right.
:)

well.
today.
it was photo day. and i had fun in socials. attempting to get a fudgcicle. :P and joking around with Mr PM cuz G-lolz stuck hand cream up his nose XD :P i was nice to himmm.. when this girl called him a loser. and he was mean :' he's like "OH, so you were sticking UP for me" and i said, "i can be nice!!" and he's like, "sometimes" XP
freeking stephen harper (prime minister). cuz he's the leader. in socials. and we're the conservatives. we're gonna have to do a debate XPP that sucks.
when pictures were supposed to be taken. i was done early. and sat in line for forever trying to get a fudgcicle with AppleChimp. after awhile. we agreed at the end of ten minute break. we'll FINALLY get ours.



anyways. so when we're standing infront of class waiting for the break to be over.
mr. Grey stood up fer me. which is nice. and MANLY. LOL :Panyways. this kid Earnest, who's in mine and GM's ICT class, walked by me and SMELLED ME :Swhich is weird. REALLY weird... :' i don't smell badd...and so. G. Matter got him in his placeand then Peter(z-kcus) cracks a joke and kills the atmosphere. :P




after that. Grey was all p-o'ed :P and all, in the corner, by Pete, so. like. i was standing by that kid. that sniffs people LOL.
and i see Apple walkin down the hall wif RumpleStiltzkin, her bf, and i rememberz that we have a fudge date :P and like, GM's doin his thing, and the situation seemed to calm, no one'll miss me :P it'll be like 3 minutes, lol :P i leave with them quickly, and yell over my shoulder
so we get there, and Meowboy is workin consession :P and he asks me what i'm want. and ahem.. apple already payed. umm. ya.. nothing >> .....
XP but NO FUDGCICLES, so we got frozen yogurt.



i go back to class.
and i can't quite remember the mood GM was in.
if he was back to joking.
or still pissed :P



at lunch. i went home for once, and AC came with me,
and we had food.
and she's like the second one of ANY of my friends to set FOOT in my house XPP
it was weird.
and the dog didn't bite her. or bark much.
which is good.
that dog i think, jus hates men :PP lol.
anyways. we had food.
and we went back to the school.
:S there was almost a fight.
i had fun.
it was kinda nice.


my most remembered thing of the last couple days though.
was how he kissed me on the cheek.
just the cheek.
inbetween last two classes.
when i was at my locker.
i hardly had a chance to see him fly by.
and it seemed out of his way. a little. not much. but still.
and it was nice.
just.
nice.




But why should i lie?
Everything reminds me of him.
everything reminds me of him.

you put the sun to shame.

someone today.
someone special told me.

"I think you should make the most of it.
Something nice will happen to you,
and you have to treat every day like that."

and i think something nice happened to me today.
:)

and i think i'll try my best.

i think i'm gonna be okay.

i'm okay. :)


i think the funk is over.
i hope so :P
it was dumb.

i'm eating rat poison for dinner.

you ever just feel relatable to older times?
i was staring around the classroom and
i noticed a poster of the Hitler-Nazi
regime. and i thought.
if i was living in that area
in that era
i would definitely be part of the
Hitler youth.
or try to serve Hitler in some way.
though i don't have natural blond hair,
or the right color of blue in my eyes.

but i bet.
that, that sense of purpose,
of fulfillment,
and the feeling
that i did something 'right',
worth of praise
or gratitude.
those boys must have been
at least happy.
satisfied.
or accomplished,
with being part of that.
something bigger.

it's like. why people join teams.
or why they join the army.
or become part of a stereotype or group.
religion.
so many things.

I'm not saying that i support
the persecution of the Jew's.

just that.
those people.
forced into the Hitler youth.
even though they were forced.
they probably were happy to be part of it.
even though they were basically brainwashed.
i think anyone is happy. when they're
part of something bigger.


I Heart Hitler

ya..
i know i keep linking to ian(chicago)
XP but
they are REALLY GOOD.
his writing could make a book.
and he might be a millionaire one day.
because i helped link to his brain :P

and hey.
XP it just reminded me of this. OKAY.

chocolate cow alive??? what???

man. i've been thinking about all the BEEP i eat.
and put into my body. like XP those
"chocolate covered coffee beans"
nudge nudge everyone :D :P even if you don't remember
and like. how i've been stuffing myself lately.
and with what.
and i'm really unhappy with my new habits.
i should have been named claire.
:P
"CLAIRE?!?!. that's a FAT girls' name."
" >:[ i'm NOT fat."
"well.. not yet. but you'll squeeze out a few puppys then
-makes bloating noises-
you see. there are two types of fat people in this world.
people who are fat their whole lives...
and then there are the people who were once skinny.
so when you look at them. you can still see the small
person inside of them..."
(BRKFST CLB)

:P

i need to stop procrastinating.
and stop complaining after i procrastinate.
and stop complaining that i'm a procrastinator XD

i don't have the discipline or anyone to support me
if i started to go to the gym.

options i thought up:
belly dancing
yoga
swimming
jogging
biking
ashamed to say that i SLIGHTLY .. possibly JOKINGLY
thought up getting an eating disorder. XP but the side effects
and unpleasantness... and lack of food. and discipline. XP
was just too much. i like food. :P
doing nothing and wishing it away.



well. XP there are downsides and unlikelyness to all of these options.
belly dancing - nobody would support it, i'd be alone, "people in it are retards", XP well.. i probably wouldn't relate to them and have annoying aquaintances :S, money :( (i hope that can be fixed soon) XP

yoga - people from different generations would be in the class, i'd feel dumb and alone, i'd feel like a condescending beephole for saying i go to "yoga". even though it seems kinda cool, money.

swimming - i'd get bored, i'd be alone, i'd smell like chlorine all the time, i'd slack off and probably not do what i set out to, moneyyy >:[

jogging - need good shoes, likely to ruin my joints/foot, XP i'd slack off easily, oh, and winter is comming soon :S

biking - winter is coming soon, i'd slack (like i have all summer)
doing nothing and wishing it away. - get lazier, might not work :P, costs money actually XD

any ideas?? choices??





groups of people intimidate mice. :S

i wrote this the other day.
"i felt like an obligation. or an afterthought. more than i did a priority.
and at parties. i felt like i'm being babysat. especially because.
i'm not good at interacting with people really. i've always been a loner.
i want to talk to people. i want to be ABLE to talk to people.
and i want to WANT to talk to people in a way too.
when i open up to anyone. i just. feel like they don't wanna hear it.
because nobody really does. nobody wants to listen to someone so pitiful.
nobody want to feel obligated to help. or get drawn too far into it.
and nobody wants to see that you're sad. nobody wants to realize there
isn't a sun.
mann i'm an oversensitive little ****."




ever notice when someone is politely asking you to leave?
or you think they are?
:S it's weird.
especially if you don't know.
and it probably would hurt if they just plain asked you to leave.
like being thrown away.
but when they're polite. XP then it's awkward. because you're not sure.
is there a way to tell someone that they should leave nicely?
:P i don't really think so.
and i suck with hints XPP



forever competing for that moment of self-grandizing glory.

wait to grow old, like we've been told, go bald go west and crazy

it gets better.
you know.
as time goes on.
she was right :P and i believed.
and i smiled. and i think it will
come true
you'll notice it.
if you look back.
usually
and you learn from your mistakes.
and i have no regrets.
none at all.
everything is worth it.

i thought for a bit. that life was at it's greatest.
in the sandbox.
with my two best friends in the world.
XPP basically my only ones.
but still.
and almost every day.
we'd hang. and play.

and i realized.
i wouldn't trade the heartache
for anything.
(:P the boys didn't really break my heart.
it was the girls.
the big people.
and the "lovely's".
ahem.. before i called them lovely's.
like i now do.)

and the older i got.
the more intelligent.
the more cultured.
and the more opinionated i got.
and the more knowledge i gained
the better i understood people.
and i'm still learning.

and i learned of love.
and i love, love.

i wonder sometimes.
when i'll learn to be the initiator
if i will.
if i really want to.




and he told me, "if you want to live.
you've got to start breathing."
and i did.
and i was human.
and we walked together until the sun came up.

september 4th Social Studies 11

I love history. I find it fascinating. Today is my third day in this class. I can't stand it. Every other class is at least attempting to start the curriculum. I still don't have text books in both Biology 12 and this one. In Bio I at least got an excuse.there wasn't enough books for the kids. And she still found a way to start us on something.
If I just had the resources I would definitely have a better chance at learning. We have a provincial this year, and from what I've witnessed, I don't feel confident about teaching methods. I also don't feel like an equal...
and I know that in a classroom I will never gain full equality, especially because of the heirarchy, but I don't respect people who won't respect me. The different generations of upbringing is really noticeable. 9times out of 10, teachers who are younger (I find) are more easily relatable, and I respect them more. I usually get more out of the course too. I understand the position of authority, but I don't appreciate people (teachers or people of authority) who are arrogand or rude towards me, and I especially can't stand people who put up a transparent facade .



Express your opinions with confidence and truth.
if you want to be heard.

don't deconstruct and the fill me in.

this post.. here is by ian. ian is a cool guy. ian is a friend of a friend.
and this post is really.... relatable.
read it. because. it says things perfectly.
it's kinda cynical.
and i couldn't say it better.
but it better suits my mood for other days.
but i had to find it today o course :P


I can drive myself

i'm an emo kid non-conforming as can be :'

:'( i think i'm emoooooooo
i'm gonnna go BLAST MY DASHBOARD CONFESSIONAL IN MY ROOM AND CRY NOW
XD LOLOL
:P right now it's more like moneen and gob though.... :S
XPP
still love me? :'