this morning i woke up.
and i felt really guilty.
because i said some things the night before
that would probably be better left alone.
and i woke up. and i was sick for one.. minus one point.
and after i felt guilty.
i came to a disappointing realization.
i think i only have two years to live.
three years tops.
i don't really mean ilterally. though maybe.
but also figuratively.
i don't have a dream.
i don't have direction.
and i started too late on so many things.
why couldn't i have gotten a guitar when i asked through now to 10 YEARS ago?
why did i decide to go into certain classes NOW.
i'm a senior.
and after highschool.
i don't know if i'll have anything left.
i used to want to be a graphic designer.
or a struggling artist down in a big city.
working as a waitress to pay rent,
and buy food.
but i don't draw as much as i used to.
and i hardly know the basics of design.
except a bit of flash.
i get frustrated or uninterested in things after awhile.
and what used to be my passion.
or my direction is more like it.
is now something i hardly touch base with.
kinda like people in my life.
i don't want to be struggling all my life.
i don't want to work hard at something i hate
and have no time for things that i love.
for people i love.
i've been pissing around with a guitar for about ten months.
and i'm nowhere.
something i could have done in two or three.
i need lessons.
and i tried.
but it just failed.
and i started thinking.
after highschool.
what if i want to be in a band?
work on projects?
and just.
everything would be so much harder.
this is the time that people start those sorts of things.
this is what i think will happen after graduation.
it might start slow.
but.
everyone will get full time jobs.
people will move away.
people will lose touch.
i think i'm afraid of being alone.
of having nobody.
not like in the sort of community that surrounds a school.
i'll probably try and have a buch of fun.
with the people that choose to waste their life away
or the people that stay for the summer.
i'll probably drink and party.
maybe become an alchaholic.
pretend that everything will last forever.
enjoy the life of living at home.
and not going to school.
until september.
and then.
everyone will start their life.
and i won't know what to do.
and i'll be too lazy, and unmotivated to
WANT to do anything.
i'll end up working at a dead end job for years.
and then realize.
i wasted too much time.
maybe i'll pull an Elliott Smith??
maybe i'm wrong and everything will be okay?
after i thought about all this.
i decided.
if i only have three years.
i may as well make them damn good ones.
i put on my smile for the day.
and i already felt a bit better. :)
ahem... then i realized i had french first.
and that i had a detention.
and laundry.
and that i'm sick.
and that i have no plans or money.
so i'm stuck at home.
with family.
and a sleeping mother all weekend.
oh. and that womanly thing.
you know.
..i hate women. they suck.
acidddddd XPP yuckk
kill me now. -rolls eyes-
all control is now spiraling
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8 comments:
When i first read that you had 2 years to live, i thought,
that I hope you meant, you had 2 years to live it up.
it seems cynical, but i like this blog post, because its like, you went into my mind, and took the words i felt.
i dont think i have a direction,
and i still havent founded my 'roadmap'.
im finally taking steps into things i want to do,
but still.
Im not taking any classes, that can successfully get me into college in a major or anything.
and i dont think i'll have anything left.
i talked to tal recently.
hes in college, he taking graphic design classes :P
hes 23.
you still have time.
i understand what you mean, about losing touch with former passions, and friends.
it makes me sad, but i try to give what i can.
and i know after a while, i'll give up on guitar. i know.
Dont say you'll pull an Elliott Smith, that's the one thing that worried me, out all this.
"I HATE BEING A GIRL BECAUSE YOU KNOW YOU SUCK ALL THE TIME"
:P this is a long responce,
and i dont have the words to make it all better.
All I can tell you, is, even though it's crap,
we're still living .
If you haven't already, watch the movie 'Groundhog Day', if you have. Watch it again.
Re-think.
i feel really overwhelmed.
like i'm falling apart.
i have no job.
i have no money.
i have no time.
i have no space.
i'm always cold.
i have no energy.
and my mom's always asleep.
so i can't really come down and see you guys at the moment. which usually unwinds me. and cheers me up. and helps me relax and have fun.
i can't ever play my guitar. (cuz my mom's always sleeping by the time i go to play. which is like. 8pm) and i just signed up for lessons. but i'm kinda thinkin, "what's the point?"
i want to start yoga or somethign.(partially to DO something. and also because my scoliosis bothers me alot. like my back hurts more often.)
i want to get fit. and feel better about myself.
i want to do well in school. but i still never do anything.
if i get a job. i'll be even more exhausted. and i'll have LESS time.
i want to dye my hair rainbow. but i think that might screw my chances at a job. i KNOW it will. so i might have to post-pone that for QUITE awhile.. :(
half my teachers just ruin my day.
i can never listen to music anymore it seems.
GM bought me new headphones. big ones, cuz my other ones started to beep up XPP. and i can't even WEAR them. that's how strict two of my teachers are with the electronics ban.
and i don't think i'm gonna do that great in school this year :S.
my teachers are beepholes. cept one. my bio teacher. and i think i've only got C+'s in all my classes. at most.
teachers have even made me cry(it sucks to cry in class.). just by saying some comment. or like, pissing me off.
i want to drop french. or skip class most days. but if i do. my mom threatens. that i can't have a job. or go out. or get any money from her. but that class. like. ruins my day. he pisses me off. and i don't want to be there. and he always talks in french. and there's never any notes. so i don't understand a thing he's teaching.
and like you said. none of my courses have any specific direction either.
and if i think this semester is hard. my next one. is just. gonna kill me.
i've always been a really sensitive person. and i've seriously thought maybe i should see a therapist. or someone. because i feel insane. or bi-polar or something.
but i'm always unhappy when i'm alone.
but i don't particularly like people.
only because.
i don't want more casual aquaintances.
i want real people if i'm going to have any in my life.
i still don't feel like i have alot of opportunity. i'm afraid i've wasted too much time.
i'll watch the movie sometime soon. :P either i'll download it. or on the internet. ya i've seen it. :) your comment made me cry. in a good way. happy cry. :)
i feel really restricted. i'm allowed out till ten on weekdays.
but if i stay in.
i can't do anything. i'm trapped.
and i feel blamed for everything. even though i guess nobody says that they blame me.
and i can't handle the slightest bit of agression or frustration anyone gestures towards me.
sometimes life just sucks.
but it sucks hardcore. because i'm afraid that this. could ruin my future.
now this. should have been an email :P cuz it's WAYY too long lol
:P i'm sorryy
and i REALLY need to comment on your posts! AND TELL YOU ALL MY BEAUTIFUL WORDS ABOUT YOUR BEAUTIFUL WORDS!! :D
XP but i'm really tired. :( and i'm sick. XP and i haven't been at home a whole lot this week.
but i haven't forgotten.
gots to stop feelin sorry for mahself! :P LOL
LOVE YOUU!!!! :D you are the sunshine kitt-katt :)
night!
I honestly think you're proablly the only one who understands what i meant by 'not knowing eachother's names and being inlove', because i didnt mean it in a literal sence, that we didn't know eachothers name,
when it was cool mackin' in the drama room, but as well as just talking about things, and him playing me songs i fell asleep to.
i LAUGHEd when you mentioned the seducing workers!
did you know prima's a dick?
and the shy ones are the ones that i love. maybe it is because, there is something hidden about them, and I want to be the one to find it out you know? maybe it is why i love wolf so much, even though it pisses me off sometimes that he dosn't reveal things. But maybe in time.
why do you understand everything?
sorry for long responce.
I didn't know you had scolosis.
Wolf has that too.
and life seems to be crazy for you.
like, just wow.
i wish i knew what to say to you.
or recomend something.
all i can do, is say,
watch Groundhog Day,
listen to Elliott Smith,
and cry as much as you can.
and i forget my username, to log in, haha.. ha..
I was actually thinking about how Beck mentioned back in summer how you couldnt visit this month.
Its okay.
When you come down, sometime, we'll have a fun day.
See a movie and be obnoxious?
;) ;) ;)
large popcorn.
sorry for making you cry :D
you know what you need?
When you have a spare day off.
Take a bath,
but not only when you take a bath.
Treat yourself out.
Like, put bubbles in there,
and
grab a bunch of your mom's body lotions she never uses, and use them in the shower.
Use pumice stones, shave your leg ONLY wif shaving gel, and do all that nice stuff at the spa.
it'll make you feel good.
eat some chocolate that will melt in your mouth (AERO always does the trick for me)
capping it off would be a movie or
writing a poem for me :) like, you
writing
a
poem
for me.
a new band i've been listening for awhile, and have downloaded all the songs preetty much is 'Magnetic Fields'.
Fave songs: I don't believe you AND Papa was a rodeo.
here is your email responce :P
Mannn :P i haven't seen groundhog day in YEARSSS :P like, when it would play on tv and stuff. i wonder if we have it :/ hmm. i hope so. video streaming suckzz XP and i couldn't find a download.
:P i have been listening to alot of elliot smith. it's been nice.
but i don't want to cry anymore. over dumb things. XPP. i need to suck it up. or something. but i probably will XD lol
:) your ideas sounds really nice.
they should be good days. :D
D: i might get a job at DQuuuuuuuu. :' i want it. but the people are beeps. but i still want them to call XPP
and i don't understand everything. but i'm open-minded. and i understand YOU. and you understand me. :D i think it's awesome!!! :D XD
lol!
and i think your "knowing - names, and inlove" line is just beautiful. it's the perfect metaphor.
and it feels acomplishing when you find out what's beneath that shy person. and knowing that YOU are the one they reveal themselves to.
it was gamer.
if you know who that is.
GAMER.
i didnt tell anyone.
not blondie, berd or beck
i didnt want anyone to get jealous
or envious
or mad
or try to tell him other wise that i suck
but it was him
i thought he was friends with all them too though?? :O
whoaa
intense!
HE PICKED YOU! :D
i hope it's the right person i'm thinking about. :PP
well, he kinda is friends with him.
berdie, has a gf, so ignores us All.
blondie, hangs with me most times.
hossy.. um, dosnt talk :)
but sometimes they talk.
gamer and i have a class together, and sit together, and we laugh.. profusely. there is no one that makes me laugh more than him.
not who i hang with at school anyway. . .
and i unno, me and him hang alot, and he makes food for me in his foods class and saves some for me.
i dont know, its nice :D
and i hope he's the right person.
hmm.
he would make a great chef.
for some reason i thought you were thinking of Sam, but its not sam, right.
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