that sense of home you lost when you left last year.

so i know i've basically fallen off the face of the interweb.
moving around alot
first stop. my dad's house.
things never change. him and my mom went into their same old patterns.
which was fine.
but i was there to visit him. him begging me.
and for the first two weeks he takes off fishing and we spend no time together.
then i go back to q-town, for the BBD.
which was full of twists and turns and inebreation.

fast rides are no longer my favorite >>

so when i get back to hometown. i finally get off my butt and arrange to spend time with human beings.
recconnecting with old friends :) it was swell.
pony, kat, greg.
my first rave ;)
no drugs etc. but it was awesome. marco is my favorite!
smeely was actually a decent rapper.
and walco was a crowd pleaser.
there were these few DBags. who thought they were hot shit.
but other than that it was good. met alot of people :)
merlin. called so because he's a wizard. i was getting everyone to dance and rock out
and this purpleshirtman.
he was aussie.
and while dancing with the merlin and purpleman.
just fun stuff. TWKYK style :p finger pointing, light bulb, lawn mower, sprinkler etc.
and apparently it took me FIFTEEN seconds to realize i was sneak-attack-grinded :P
goodness. so awkward. i tried to pretend it wasn't happening. and it just made things worse.

so after the night was over. aussie gave me a ride home :)
and we got to talking. and he gave me his number.
he works at great white. likes dungeons and dragons lol.
he's a swimmer. and just some random cool stuff.
and anyways. i end up at his house. and this flirting takes hours. before i leave i finally just kiss him.
gosh. indecisiveness :P
anyways.. that happened twice. i mean.... extensively.
;) i like aussie's.
yum. and was mentioning this to PONY. and probably the most innocent of all my friends. she says to me

"omg. you need to get laid."

this same day. while hanging out at great white with purpleman and his friend that worked in the mall as well.
i see from afar, an aquaintace from highschool walk in.
he's from q-town and i go to say hi.

"Leif Nellll"

usual smalltalk. hey how ya doin, parol officer eh? warhammer looks cool.
etc. :P

and he gives me his number so we can meet up and hang out the next day.
purpleman had stuff to do anyways.

that next morning is when pony's words came in.
not literally.


i never expected that things would change so much.
but i guess they already were. since the rave. since before then.
in good and bad ways. but mostly good :)

i have needs too

my dreams are screaming at me.

to let loose and have fun.
and i really would! if life permitted it.
i wanna pick up men! ;)
have a fling!
just have fun with someone for as long as it happens to be.

holy beep.
i'm happy?
at least sorta :P

sigh.

i remember when you cared.
when i cried.
when i was sad.
when i was angry.

i remembered when you'd answer my simple questions.

explain yourself.

i'm getting tired of feeling like you don't wanna hang around anymore.

Is There Any Point Of This Hanging Around?

(twas AWOL. it's okay.)

i had no idea what i was after. i'm just preparing for disaster

i think i'm starting to be okay.
the other day i cried when i thought about it too hard.
5 minute slip. I swear.
just some details. that make me ramble. not good.
but I'm getting through this.

why don't you give my feet a break.... and come back

He's still my best friend.
which is weird. but i'm glad he's still in my life.
i'm not even sure that i'd rather it any other way.
so maybe it did turn out for the best.
friends usually hang around alot longer ;)

but we'll see.

i just won't think about how he "doesn't see me in that light anymore"
ya... not thinking is good :P

i'm pretty optimistic though. and confident in my decisions.
something i saw from a friend.
quote.
Marylin Monroe said it.
it was about. people change so you learn to let go.
but anyways.
it reminded me. how much more independent i am now.
how much more confident in my decisions i am.
not that i don't miss being vulnerable.
it has its upsides.

i miss working out my problems instead of pushing them away.
but. i guess that pushed him away.
-not thinking-

i am/was a really depressed and easily stressed person. and i can't change that.
but even if nobody else can... i think i can accept it.

cuz it's moments like this. where i sit and just smile. even when the world may be crumbling.
isn't it always?

i remember in the kitchen when you told me your grandma died. that's when i realized it gets worse.




i don't think i discussed this with anyone.
love scares me. what's happened to my view.

i think i tried to tell him.
but he got confused. and was like "wouldn't it just make you think that it doesn't last forever?"

i want to wish things last forever.

but no..

see.. suddenly not loving me.
(and i gave him every excuse he was oblivious to. not even love as a friend. not even a changed love. just no love.)

i'm not even sure what to believe... i think..
once you love someone. you'll always love them.
you're love may change, but it doesn't just disappear...

and in one lifetime, you could fall in love a million different ways with many people. if you happen to find them. or even with the same person.

if you don't love me... i doubt you ever did..
but i don't believe that. he's just an uneducated man in a loveless world.

ironically... imitating his dad... except in the way, he actually told me.
but i think it was an excuse. to get out.
fear.

but once you're out... sometimes you're out for good.
and this might be the case.
unless we meet each other all over again in a few years.
but that's not something to hold on to... that's not how i found him in the first place.
dwelling on an idea.



won't you thicken my soft skin. Comfort me so - and I remember remember.
When I walk through that door. I won't hear the happy sounds anymore. this year took so much away, and won't give it back.

fated to pretend.

i hate trying so hard and being happy all the time.
knowing that DESPITE all the effort i put in..
anything i do probably doesn't change a single fucking thing.


if i thought it was helping more it wouldn't be so difficult.


(but i'm really not pretending....)

Borne On The FM Waves Of My Heart

well i'm definitely not in control of the situation.

my relationship depends on me getting into, or not getting into BCIT..

my relationship is being ruined by my arthritis.
all of them are..

if i died two weeks ago like i said i should've.
i would've died happy.
and knowing i was loved.

i just hate not knowing.
and not feeling like anything i do is helping..
like it can't be helped..


too many angles. to many factors to cover.
waiting for a signal. searching for a network.

nothing is forever

i'm not quite sure what to say anymore.
i feel like everybody's hinting that It's better if i don't.
say anything that is.

does love last forever?
is forever really something anyone wants to think about?

i wonder if it really would fix things if i just sat back.
and relaxed..
ha.
relax.
you don't know me at all.


then what makes love so special