sigh.

i remember when you cared.
when i cried.
when i was sad.
when i was angry.

i remembered when you'd answer my simple questions.

explain yourself.

i'm getting tired of feeling like you don't wanna hang around anymore.

Is There Any Point Of This Hanging Around?

(twas AWOL. it's okay.)

i had no idea what i was after. i'm just preparing for disaster

i think i'm starting to be okay.
the other day i cried when i thought about it too hard.
5 minute slip. I swear.
just some details. that make me ramble. not good.
but I'm getting through this.

why don't you give my feet a break.... and come back

He's still my best friend.
which is weird. but i'm glad he's still in my life.
i'm not even sure that i'd rather it any other way.
so maybe it did turn out for the best.
friends usually hang around alot longer ;)

but we'll see.

i just won't think about how he "doesn't see me in that light anymore"
ya... not thinking is good :P

i'm pretty optimistic though. and confident in my decisions.
something i saw from a friend.
quote.
Marylin Monroe said it.
it was about. people change so you learn to let go.
but anyways.
it reminded me. how much more independent i am now.
how much more confident in my decisions i am.
not that i don't miss being vulnerable.
it has its upsides.

i miss working out my problems instead of pushing them away.
but. i guess that pushed him away.
-not thinking-

i am/was a really depressed and easily stressed person. and i can't change that.
but even if nobody else can... i think i can accept it.

cuz it's moments like this. where i sit and just smile. even when the world may be crumbling.
isn't it always?

i remember in the kitchen when you told me your grandma died. that's when i realized it gets worse.




i don't think i discussed this with anyone.
love scares me. what's happened to my view.

i think i tried to tell him.
but he got confused. and was like "wouldn't it just make you think that it doesn't last forever?"

i want to wish things last forever.

but no..

see.. suddenly not loving me.
(and i gave him every excuse he was oblivious to. not even love as a friend. not even a changed love. just no love.)

i'm not even sure what to believe... i think..
once you love someone. you'll always love them.
you're love may change, but it doesn't just disappear...

and in one lifetime, you could fall in love a million different ways with many people. if you happen to find them. or even with the same person.

if you don't love me... i doubt you ever did..
but i don't believe that. he's just an uneducated man in a loveless world.

ironically... imitating his dad... except in the way, he actually told me.
but i think it was an excuse. to get out.
fear.

but once you're out... sometimes you're out for good.
and this might be the case.
unless we meet each other all over again in a few years.
but that's not something to hold on to... that's not how i found him in the first place.
dwelling on an idea.



won't you thicken my soft skin. Comfort me so - and I remember remember.
When I walk through that door. I won't hear the happy sounds anymore. this year took so much away, and won't give it back.

fated to pretend.

i hate trying so hard and being happy all the time.
knowing that DESPITE all the effort i put in..
anything i do probably doesn't change a single fucking thing.


if i thought it was helping more it wouldn't be so difficult.


(but i'm really not pretending....)

Borne On The FM Waves Of My Heart

well i'm definitely not in control of the situation.

my relationship depends on me getting into, or not getting into BCIT..

my relationship is being ruined by my arthritis.
all of them are..

if i died two weeks ago like i said i should've.
i would've died happy.
and knowing i was loved.

i just hate not knowing.
and not feeling like anything i do is helping..
like it can't be helped..


too many angles. to many factors to cover.
waiting for a signal. searching for a network.

nothing is forever

i'm not quite sure what to say anymore.
i feel like everybody's hinting that It's better if i don't.
say anything that is.

does love last forever?
is forever really something anyone wants to think about?

i wonder if it really would fix things if i just sat back.
and relaxed..
ha.
relax.
you don't know me at all.


then what makes love so special

Broken Promises

what's a promise worth.
if you can take it back whenever you want?

Not perfect. And never will be.

What would happen if I just didn't wake up one morning?