paint it black.

i want paint.

red paint.

and i want to splatter it everwhere like blood.

and then sit in the middle of the room.

and eat a sandwich.

and just stare.

well that sucks.

I want to go to dairy queen.

it's cold. it's winter.
but I want to sit, stirring ice cream
prolly just moping over things I can't change.

-sigh-

that is my mood. :P

Townsperson.
that is my life.

maybe if I didn't fumble over my line at first.
maybe if I didn't stop for a minute when they asked me to dance.
maybe if I didn't run in late.
maybe if I just was better.
:P maybe I just sucked.
and I wasn't as good as everyone else.
I'm not really good at alot of things anyways.

whatever.

obviously i'm dissappointed.

I just want a burger.
and some ice cream.

There's so many things i should do.
I don't really know if I deserved anything better anyways.

I should try to sit down and practice my guitar today.
but I'll prolly clean again, and do laundry instead.

BE HAPPY >:[ ! BEHAPPY! please. be happy.

i'm a party pooper.

phrased pete ever so elegantly.
and i am.
"sometimes we all are"
"sometimes"
"sometimes alot of the time"

:P well.
apparantly that doesn't mean "alot of the time"
that woulda been my next guess in the pattern.

i think me being depressed.
interferes with alot more things than i thought.
and i'm starting to worry about the effect it has on my relationship.

so i've been sorta depressed very recently.
grey mattter says it's kinda weird when i get depressed.

"
Greykiller: It's kind of unexpected
Greykiller: And it's like
Greykiller: I can do things
Greykiller: It makes you feel better for a bit
Greykiller: But
Greykiller: There's always something else
"

:S

he makes me feel better than anyone else could.
but i think i look for reasons to be sad after that.
just because i'm not quite over the initial feeling.
i have a hard time letting things go alot of the time.
and it sucks.

i need to learn how to make myself just be happy.
i'm worried i'll just turn to alcohol.
it seems easy.
it's not that i'm UNhappy.
just that i get sad.
i just want to stop getting so sad.
it's always about dumb things too.
stuff that i know the logical answer to.
stuff that i know i shouldn't even worry about.

either that. or i'm afraid i might just close myself off again.
i started opening up.
and people started to see that i was sad.
but if i close myself off.
people might think i'm always happy.
which is also a bad thing.
that means i'd prolly have to lie to GM.
lie to myself.
and i just can't put up that smile on command anymore.
not to GM. or the people close to me.

i just wish it would magically go away.
and i'd just be cheery and energetic all the time.
i'd be perfect all the time.

i'm just selfish.

i want to know your plans.

i had this spell.
the seven days.
a whole week.i just. couldn't control myself.
my emotions.
it sucked.
i was so happy. when it didn't turn to eight.
it's over.
that's over.

but now, two days after.
i'm kinda scared and freaked.
i had such a good time with him.
and i've been so much happier.
but he was sorta spacey.
today and yesterday.
mainly yesterday.
he wasn't really paying attention.
and i'd say his name, and he'd jump and come back for a bit.
i dunno.

i'm kinda freaked out.
and getting scared again.

i don't want this to be April all over again.
i want him to talk to me and tell me how he's feeling.
cuz before.
i kinda knew something was up.
but. maybe for like a week or something.

not like. almost a month :S
it totally blindsided me.

..i don't want that to happen again.
i love him so much.
he's perfect. with all his flaws.
which aren't many. i couldn't name one.
i can't lose my best friend.