Broken Promises

what's a promise worth.
if you can take it back whenever you want?

Not perfect. And never will be.

What would happen if I just didn't wake up one morning?

paint it black.

i want paint.

red paint.

and i want to splatter it everwhere like blood.

and then sit in the middle of the room.

and eat a sandwich.

and just stare.

well that sucks.

I want to go to dairy queen.

it's cold. it's winter.
but I want to sit, stirring ice cream
prolly just moping over things I can't change.

-sigh-

that is my mood. :P

Townsperson.
that is my life.

maybe if I didn't fumble over my line at first.
maybe if I didn't stop for a minute when they asked me to dance.
maybe if I didn't run in late.
maybe if I just was better.
:P maybe I just sucked.
and I wasn't as good as everyone else.
I'm not really good at alot of things anyways.

whatever.

obviously i'm dissappointed.

I just want a burger.
and some ice cream.

There's so many things i should do.
I don't really know if I deserved anything better anyways.

I should try to sit down and practice my guitar today.
but I'll prolly clean again, and do laundry instead.

BE HAPPY >:[ ! BEHAPPY! please. be happy.

i'm a party pooper.

phrased pete ever so elegantly.
and i am.
"sometimes we all are"
"sometimes"
"sometimes alot of the time"

:P well.
apparantly that doesn't mean "alot of the time"
that woulda been my next guess in the pattern.

i think me being depressed.
interferes with alot more things than i thought.
and i'm starting to worry about the effect it has on my relationship.

so i've been sorta depressed very recently.
grey mattter says it's kinda weird when i get depressed.

"
Greykiller: It's kind of unexpected
Greykiller: And it's like
Greykiller: I can do things
Greykiller: It makes you feel better for a bit
Greykiller: But
Greykiller: There's always something else
"

:S

he makes me feel better than anyone else could.
but i think i look for reasons to be sad after that.
just because i'm not quite over the initial feeling.
i have a hard time letting things go alot of the time.
and it sucks.

i need to learn how to make myself just be happy.
i'm worried i'll just turn to alcohol.
it seems easy.
it's not that i'm UNhappy.
just that i get sad.
i just want to stop getting so sad.
it's always about dumb things too.
stuff that i know the logical answer to.
stuff that i know i shouldn't even worry about.

either that. or i'm afraid i might just close myself off again.
i started opening up.
and people started to see that i was sad.
but if i close myself off.
people might think i'm always happy.
which is also a bad thing.
that means i'd prolly have to lie to GM.
lie to myself.
and i just can't put up that smile on command anymore.
not to GM. or the people close to me.

i just wish it would magically go away.
and i'd just be cheery and energetic all the time.
i'd be perfect all the time.

i'm just selfish.

i want to know your plans.

i had this spell.
the seven days.
a whole week.i just. couldn't control myself.
my emotions.
it sucked.
i was so happy. when it didn't turn to eight.
it's over.
that's over.

but now, two days after.
i'm kinda scared and freaked.
i had such a good time with him.
and i've been so much happier.
but he was sorta spacey.
today and yesterday.
mainly yesterday.
he wasn't really paying attention.
and i'd say his name, and he'd jump and come back for a bit.
i dunno.

i'm kinda freaked out.
and getting scared again.

i don't want this to be April all over again.
i want him to talk to me and tell me how he's feeling.
cuz before.
i kinda knew something was up.
but. maybe for like a week or something.

not like. almost a month :S
it totally blindsided me.

..i don't want that to happen again.
i love him so much.
he's perfect. with all his flaws.
which aren't many. i couldn't name one.
i can't lose my best friend.

I'll fake it through the day, with some help from johnny walker red

I don't really remember what happened in the begining.
excpet how we just fell in love.
we were friends for a little while. not too long. but long enough.
and it was wonderful.

one day.

well. he and his best friend are a little different.
here we are richer.
money rich.

his best friend has very wealthy parents.
"sophisticated".

but the boys like to play in the dirt.

he. his family. is upper middle class.
but it seems like they are poor.

but we are all. more moneyrich than we are now.


his best friend had just gone away. far away.
it is my belief. that his parents forced him into some college.
or something of the sort.
far away.


he told me of how he first met his best friend.
how they wen't camping on the sandy beach in a tent.
think Miami or something.
and how they were so close.
and one day.  they saw this dog in the store window barking.
they went to a pet store, and saw some strays that were caught.
they were on pedestals. Trying to make the sad beasts look glamorous.  anyways. they saw this black cat that looked familiar.
and they looked at it, and asked where it came from. she said Ontario. so no. it couldn't be theirs. and they picked it up. and there was a different sorta white patch on it's chest.
ha. his best friend made a joke
of how "naw, it hasn't got it's pussy removed"

because. backwards, like another whole story, it was like a school.
and this girl. applied this cat. which was then a boy. to get neutered. and put his name down instead of hers.

back to story.

they also found a dog. which they took. it must have run away quite recently. they knew it. part of one of their families. part of their family.

i don't know where they put the dog.

but they are back at the tent.
and they are talking.
of how they could go around
just rescuing strays.
and they'd be like heroes.
they'd be heroes.

we are on steam. sort of like msn.

and he tells me of how him and his dad went on this camping trip.
the same like his best friend and him did.
same tent.
same spot.



he tells me..
"My ex came there while me and my dad were camping."

I respond, "oh yeah?"

and i think he talked. about how it was nice seeing her.
there's a flash to them talking. and then of them in their relationship
arguing and yelling.
but then calm.

he tells me.
"I think I want to marry her."

i'm sort of shocked.
but i take it well so far.

and he says sort of quickly
"This doesn't mean I never fell for you. And that I don't still care about you"   or something along that line.

and he says
"but I'm going to be away for awhile.. to think about this."

I think I start to get scared at this point.
it starts to hit me.

he continues
"don't save a message on the forums."

I tell him
"but then how will you know how I feel?"

"Greykiller is watching YouTube"



^Dream

everything looks perfect from far away