you put the sun to shame.

someone today.
someone special told me.

"I think you should make the most of it.
Something nice will happen to you,
and you have to treat every day like that."

and i think something nice happened to me today.
:)

and i think i'll try my best.

i think i'm gonna be okay.

i'm okay. :)


i think the funk is over.
i hope so :P
it was dumb.

i'm eating rat poison for dinner.

you ever just feel relatable to older times?
i was staring around the classroom and
i noticed a poster of the Hitler-Nazi
regime. and i thought.
if i was living in that area
in that era
i would definitely be part of the
Hitler youth.
or try to serve Hitler in some way.
though i don't have natural blond hair,
or the right color of blue in my eyes.

but i bet.
that, that sense of purpose,
of fulfillment,
and the feeling
that i did something 'right',
worth of praise
or gratitude.
those boys must have been
at least happy.
satisfied.
or accomplished,
with being part of that.
something bigger.

it's like. why people join teams.
or why they join the army.
or become part of a stereotype or group.
religion.
so many things.

I'm not saying that i support
the persecution of the Jew's.

just that.
those people.
forced into the Hitler youth.
even though they were forced.
they probably were happy to be part of it.
even though they were basically brainwashed.
i think anyone is happy. when they're
part of something bigger.


I Heart Hitler

ya..
i know i keep linking to ian(chicago)
XP but
they are REALLY GOOD.
his writing could make a book.
and he might be a millionaire one day.
because i helped link to his brain :P

and hey.
XP it just reminded me of this. OKAY.

chocolate cow alive??? what???

man. i've been thinking about all the BEEP i eat.
and put into my body. like XP those
"chocolate covered coffee beans"
nudge nudge everyone :D :P even if you don't remember
and like. how i've been stuffing myself lately.
and with what.
and i'm really unhappy with my new habits.
i should have been named claire.
:P
"CLAIRE?!?!. that's a FAT girls' name."
" >:[ i'm NOT fat."
"well.. not yet. but you'll squeeze out a few puppys then
-makes bloating noises-
you see. there are two types of fat people in this world.
people who are fat their whole lives...
and then there are the people who were once skinny.
so when you look at them. you can still see the small
person inside of them..."
(BRKFST CLB)

:P

i need to stop procrastinating.
and stop complaining after i procrastinate.
and stop complaining that i'm a procrastinator XD

i don't have the discipline or anyone to support me
if i started to go to the gym.

options i thought up:
belly dancing
yoga
swimming
jogging
biking
ashamed to say that i SLIGHTLY .. possibly JOKINGLY
thought up getting an eating disorder. XP but the side effects
and unpleasantness... and lack of food. and discipline. XP
was just too much. i like food. :P
doing nothing and wishing it away.



well. XP there are downsides and unlikelyness to all of these options.
belly dancing - nobody would support it, i'd be alone, "people in it are retards", XP well.. i probably wouldn't relate to them and have annoying aquaintances :S, money :( (i hope that can be fixed soon) XP

yoga - people from different generations would be in the class, i'd feel dumb and alone, i'd feel like a condescending beephole for saying i go to "yoga". even though it seems kinda cool, money.

swimming - i'd get bored, i'd be alone, i'd smell like chlorine all the time, i'd slack off and probably not do what i set out to, moneyyy >:[

jogging - need good shoes, likely to ruin my joints/foot, XP i'd slack off easily, oh, and winter is comming soon :S

biking - winter is coming soon, i'd slack (like i have all summer)
doing nothing and wishing it away. - get lazier, might not work :P, costs money actually XD

any ideas?? choices??





groups of people intimidate mice. :S

i wrote this the other day.
"i felt like an obligation. or an afterthought. more than i did a priority.
and at parties. i felt like i'm being babysat. especially because.
i'm not good at interacting with people really. i've always been a loner.
i want to talk to people. i want to be ABLE to talk to people.
and i want to WANT to talk to people in a way too.
when i open up to anyone. i just. feel like they don't wanna hear it.
because nobody really does. nobody wants to listen to someone so pitiful.
nobody want to feel obligated to help. or get drawn too far into it.
and nobody wants to see that you're sad. nobody wants to realize there
isn't a sun.
mann i'm an oversensitive little ****."




ever notice when someone is politely asking you to leave?
or you think they are?
:S it's weird.
especially if you don't know.
and it probably would hurt if they just plain asked you to leave.
like being thrown away.
but when they're polite. XP then it's awkward. because you're not sure.
is there a way to tell someone that they should leave nicely?
:P i don't really think so.
and i suck with hints XPP



forever competing for that moment of self-grandizing glory.

wait to grow old, like we've been told, go bald go west and crazy

it gets better.
you know.
as time goes on.
she was right :P and i believed.
and i smiled. and i think it will
come true
you'll notice it.
if you look back.
usually
and you learn from your mistakes.
and i have no regrets.
none at all.
everything is worth it.

i thought for a bit. that life was at it's greatest.
in the sandbox.
with my two best friends in the world.
XPP basically my only ones.
but still.
and almost every day.
we'd hang. and play.

and i realized.
i wouldn't trade the heartache
for anything.
(:P the boys didn't really break my heart.
it was the girls.
the big people.
and the "lovely's".
ahem.. before i called them lovely's.
like i now do.)

and the older i got.
the more intelligent.
the more cultured.
and the more opinionated i got.
and the more knowledge i gained
the better i understood people.
and i'm still learning.

and i learned of love.
and i love, love.

i wonder sometimes.
when i'll learn to be the initiator
if i will.
if i really want to.




and he told me, "if you want to live.
you've got to start breathing."
and i did.
and i was human.
and we walked together until the sun came up.

september 4th Social Studies 11

I love history. I find it fascinating. Today is my third day in this class. I can't stand it. Every other class is at least attempting to start the curriculum. I still don't have text books in both Biology 12 and this one. In Bio I at least got an excuse.there wasn't enough books for the kids. And she still found a way to start us on something.
If I just had the resources I would definitely have a better chance at learning. We have a provincial this year, and from what I've witnessed, I don't feel confident about teaching methods. I also don't feel like an equal...
and I know that in a classroom I will never gain full equality, especially because of the heirarchy, but I don't respect people who won't respect me. The different generations of upbringing is really noticeable. 9times out of 10, teachers who are younger (I find) are more easily relatable, and I respect them more. I usually get more out of the course too. I understand the position of authority, but I don't appreciate people (teachers or people of authority) who are arrogand or rude towards me, and I especially can't stand people who put up a transparent facade .



Express your opinions with confidence and truth.
if you want to be heard.

don't deconstruct and the fill me in.

this post.. here is by ian. ian is a cool guy. ian is a friend of a friend.
and this post is really.... relatable.
read it. because. it says things perfectly.
it's kinda cynical.
and i couldn't say it better.
but it better suits my mood for other days.
but i had to find it today o course :P


I can drive myself

i'm an emo kid non-conforming as can be :'

:'( i think i'm emoooooooo
i'm gonnna go BLAST MY DASHBOARD CONFESSIONAL IN MY ROOM AND CRY NOW
XD LOLOL
:P right now it's more like moneen and gob though.... :S
XPP
still love me? :'